


Dodging Bullets and Fading Scars

by that_beautiful_tragedy



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Don't Like Don't Read, Hurt/Comfort, Protective Avengers, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Steve Rogers, Recovery, Self-Harm, Social Anxiety, Team as Family, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2018-07-15 23:08:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 52,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7242586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/that_beautiful_tragedy/pseuds/that_beautiful_tragedy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anastasia has spent years trying to run from her past.  Eventually, she begins coping in the worst way possible.  When her best friends find out, they are determined to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why Can't Secrets Stay Secrets?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first publicly uploaded fanfic. I have written it sort of as therapy for myself. I am not in any way romanticizing or recommending self harm. Many things in this story are based off of my own personal experiences. Please leave comments on what you like, or what I may be able to do better, constructive criticism is appreciated!

Everyone has secrets. I happen to have many. The first is I am a member of the Avengers. I try to keep my identity hidden from the public as much as possible. My own family and any friends I had before I ran away have no idea what I've been doing for the past five years. I used to be a gun for hire. That's how I came to be in my current line of work, if you take my meaning. I was on a rooftop in D.C., overlooking a crowd of people, scanning for my target. I positioned myself with my rifle, ready to pull the trigger on some big-name politician I'd never even heard of, when an arrow pierced my thigh. The World's Greatest Marksman himself, Hawkeye, had shot me with a tranquilizing arrow. And that was my not-so-polite invitation into the avengers. Even though the Avengers were extremely welcoming and understanding, I still felt the need to cover up anything I could of my past. I know all of us have seen more than we care to, but everyone is always telling each other they are the most normal person on the team. Even though we were all friends as well as allies, I still hadn't shared much with them, and I never intended to.

Steve and Bucky were undoubtedly my best friends in the tower; in the world, actually. Bucky had been the one to convince me to join the avengers, and Steve had been so reassuring of the benefits that I couldn't say no. When I was first recruited, I was terrified. I'd spent years being completely alone, and now I was moving in with a bunch of people I didn't know. After a while though, it became normal. Clint and Natasha appointed themselves as my Superior Officers and mentors, and even Tony showed affection in his own weird way (Mostly by teasing me or building things for me). However, Steve and Bucky formed a bond with me that was different. They were astonished that I was so young but still had more experience. They became my guardians. They watched out for me even when I insisted I didn't need it. It was amazing to me, how even though we had become so close, I still kept so much from them.

My darkest secret yet, runs in parallel lines of red across my stomach, thighs, shoulders, and sometimes my wrists. Before joining the Avengers; I hid beneath my long sleeved shirts keeping the cuts hidden from wandering eyes. After years the secrecy became natural. The very first time I cut myself, was in high school. I was angry, sad, and afraid, the typical emotions of an adolescent girl, though they came in waves and hit me all at once; each time it became harder to recover. The moment I felt the cool blade glide across my skin, I felt a release, like all the chaos was resolved in that second. The pain was nothing to the sheer euphoria of being almost absolutely free of my emotions that all but dragged me further down into the depths of depression; a place I would never escape once consumed. I found myself doing it again… and again… and again just to feel that freedom. Years later, somethings in my life began to change, while others remained constant. There I was still breaking skin to feel any kind of relief at all; my tools had gone from broken glass to metal blades of all kinds. Pencil sharpeners, razors, box-cutters, scissors, X-acto blades, anything sharp enough to draw blood. So I sat on the cold bathroom floor, making line after line on my sickly pale skin, when my phone rang. I jumped in surprised, which made the razor blade I gripped tightly pierce my skin a little faster and deeper than I wanted. "OW!" I yelped in surprise. Dropping my blade, I reached for my phone. It was Steve.

"Hello… ?" I said as normally as I could, even though tears were stinging my eyes.

"Ana, did you forget training? You're five minutes late."

"No, I didn't forget." I said, trying to sound convincing, "I'm on my way. I had to get a file to Nat."

"Okay, hurry up." Steve said. He didn't sound too upset, but he didn't like when I was late.

After hanging up, I cleaned the bathroom in record time, quickly taping gauze over the extra deep cut on my side. Then I grabbed my gym clothes and pulled my hair back into a pathetic excuse of a braid, and ran for the elevator. 

When I arrived at the training floor, Bucky and Steve were already sparring each other. Bucky smiled when he saw me. "Cute hair." He said, referring to my messy braid with locks of my brown hair sticking out in random places. I stuck my tongue out at him. "Who do you want to spar first?" he asked. I shrugged, "Does it matter?" I said with a smirk, "I'll win either way."  
Bucky laughed, "Okay, punk, you can fight me first."

The spar had had a good start, meaning I threw the first punch and nailed him right in jaw. He looked stunned for a moment. "You been training with Romanoff?" he asked. "Maybe." I said, aiming a swift kick at his ribs, which he dodged. He tried to knock me off balance by hitting my feet, but I blocked his foot, sending him stumbling back. I tried to get him to the ground before he could regain his balance, but he caught my arm, holding it behind my back, trying to force me to the ground. I twisted my way out of his grip, and turned to block his next swing. We went on like this for a while. He threw some kicks and punches at me, and I dodged them. Then I threw some, and he dodged them. Eventually, Bucky landed a blow to my ribs, and I doubled over in pain.

It's not that Bucky's punch had hurt me. He knows he is much stronger than me and does not use full force when we are sparring. But he had hit me right where I made the deeper cut that morning. Bucky immediately froze, "You alright, doll? Did I hurt you?" Steve was at my side in a second. "I'm fine." I told them, "It wasn't you, Bucky."  
"Well what was it?" Steve asked, "Are you alright?" Bucky looked worried "Maybe I should take a look at it." He said. I backed away from him, putting my arms up defensively. "No! I'll just go put some ice on it and it'll be okay." I said, crossing my arms.  
"Ana, you're bleeding!" Steve said. I looked down at my side and saw blood starting to show through my shirt. "Steve, I'm fine." I said. "No, you're not!" he said as he suddenly reached for my shirt hem and yanked it up. I shrieked half with surprise at Steve's sudden boldness and half in pain. Then I saw Steve and Bucky's shocked faces. Bucky's face quickly changed to an odd mixture of horror and sadness. Steve was scowling, eyebrows knit together as he stared at my side. His expression was so fierce it was scaring me. I was trying to think of something to say when I was suddenly lifted up and thrown over Steve's shoulder. "Put me down!" I yelled, "I can walk on my own!"  
Steve ignored my shouting while Bucky followed silently behind us. I pounded my fists against his back a few times, but it was no use against his super soldier strength. Steve walked into my apartment and set me down on my couch. He told Bucky to go get a first aid kit. 

I was almost in tears. I was so scared. I couldn't bring my eyes to even look at Steve. After a few minutes I heard Bucky call him into the bathroom. When I was sitting there alone, all of my emotions caught up to me and I started to cry. I didn't even try to understand the whispers coming out of my bathroom. I didn't have to guess what they were about. All I could do wait in suspense for them to come out. I tried to stop my tears; I probably seemed weak enough already, now I was being stupid. I grabbed a throw pillow next to me and buried my face into it. A few minutes later, I heard my name.

"Anastasia… " 

I lifted my head up. Steve was standing in front of me. He was holding a small box. My box. My secret. My secret was in that box.

"Is this what I think it is?" Steve asked, holding up the box where I kept my blade collection. I didn't like the way he towered over me, making me feel smaller each second with the intensity of his expression. 

I stared blankly at him, hoping he wouldn't make me answer that question.

"Why would you do this?" he demanded.

I couldn't think of anything to say so I just shrugged, taking a very deep interest on a loose thread in the pillow I was holding. Some tears started to slip again as Bucky sat down next to me.

"You don't know?" Steve asked, "How can you not know?! Don't you know this is dangerous?"

I nodded.

"If you know that why are still doing it?!"

"I'm sorry… " I sobbed.

"That doesn't tell me why you would hurt yourself! I am getting rid of these!" he said waving the small box, "And you are going to stop this!"

I just kept crying, "I can't…", I whispered.

"What do you mean 'you can't'?" Steve growled, crossing his arms, "You can, and you will. Before you kill yourself!"

I cringed.

"Steve, stop it." Bucky said, "You're scaring her."

"Scaring her?! I'm not the one who's hurting myself, Bucky!"

"Steve, go in the kitchen for a minute, okay?" 

“What?! No! Bucky, can’t you see what’s going on here?!

“Yes, and you’re not handling it very well.”

“But- “  
“Steve. Go.” Bucky said, pointing at the door. There was a serious edge to his voice.

Steve stormed off to the kitchen. Leaving just Bucky and I on the couch. "Hey, you okay?" he asked, pushing some of my brown hair out of my face before opening the first aid kit. "D-does S-steve hate m-me now?" I asked through my tears. "Of course not." Bucky said, as he started to get some clean gauze and an antiseptic wipe, "You know you're like a sister to him." I hissed in pain as he pressed the antiseptic to the gash on my side. Bucky looked at me apologetically, then continued, "He was probably just scared, and he didn't mean what he said. We'll give him a few minutes to calm down then you can go talk to him okay?" I nodded, "I'm sorry, Bucky." I whispered to him as he finished taping fresh gauze over my cut.  
"Don't apologize, darling. I can't imagine what you've been through." he said kissing my forehead. I nodded and Bucky told me to go change my clothes then come back and wait on the couch.

 

3rd person POV

Bucky put the first aid kit away and then went to the kitchen to check on Steve. He was sitting at the table, sulking.  
"You didn't need to yell at her." Bucky stated.  
"I didn't yell!" Steve snapped.  
"I know you're worried but this won't help. She's scared and upset and if you try to force her out of it she'll just crave it more."  
Steve looked down, "I didn't mean to make her upset."  
"I know." said Bucky, "but you really need to apologize to Ana."  
Steve nodded, "But seriously, Buck, what are we going to do? We can't let her go on like this."  
"I know, but the most important thing is that she stops because she wants to, not because we're making her. She needs to know we'll do whatever it takes to help her. Are you ready to talk to her now?"  
Steve nodded, and they headed out to the living room, but when the got there, Anastasia was fast asleep on the couch, with her hair covering most of her face. Bucky smiled, "I guess we'll have to wait until she wakes up."


	2. The Beginning of Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ana talks to Steve, and begins to tell him and Bucky more about her problems. There is also a fluffy part near the end.

Anastasia's POV

I woke up on the couch in my apartment. That's funny, I don't remember falling asleep. My head felt funny. Had I been crying? All of a sudden, the memories came flooding back to me. Steve and Bucky know my secret. Steve had yelled at me. I know Bucky had told me that he didn't mean it, but I was still angry. He had no right to treat me like a stupid child! Steve was the last person I wanted to see at that moment, so of course my mood only darkened when he walked out of my kitchen. "Why are you still here?" I spat, pulling my knees up to my chest. Steve looked at me sadly, "Ana, look, I'm sorry for what happened earlier. I shouldn't have yelled."

"Damn right." I muttered.

"Maybe I was wrong to-"

"Maybe?!" I shouted, pushing myself off of the couch, "Maybe, Steve?! You were absolutely wrong! You don't know how this feels! You can't just tell me to stop and expect everything to be okay!" I couldn't take it anymore. "Ana, I-" Steve started, but I pushed past him, stormed up to my room and slammed the door. It only took half a minute for Steve to follow me. 

"Ana, will you please listen to me?" he said through my door. I could hear worry in his voice; something not very common for him. I didn't say anything, but just leaned against the door, knowing he wasn't going to give up.  
"When I first saw the cuts on you, " Steve said, "I didn't want to believe you had done that to yourself… " he paused, trailing off, his voice getting quieter, "But after Bucky found the blades in the bathroom, I knew what it was, and it scared me. I don't want to see you in pain, and I don't ever want to think of losing you. You mean too much to Bucky and I. Please let me help you." 

My anger started to fade after hearing his side of the story. His apology sounded sincere. Slowly, I opened the door. Steve didn't even let me talk before he pulled me into a hug. His arms held me close, and I felt safer than I had in months. It was probably the safest I had felt in my entire life. I leaned into his chest and we just stood there like that for several minutes. Finally, Steve pulled away, "I think Bucky wants us downstairs." he said. 

When I was downstairs, Bucky was on the couch, silently scanning through my latest book, which I left on the coffee table. He must have been listening on our conversation, not actually reading, since I know he's read The Great Gatsby at least ten times. He smiled at me, inviting me to come sit on the couch with him.  
"I think we need to talk, but first, let me change the gauze on your cut again." he said. I nodded, and laid down on the couch so Bucky could change the gauze. Steve watched carefully the whole time. I felt embarrassed leaving my stomach and sides exposed. They were covered in the lines I'd made all over myself. Some were thin and white, while others were angry red. I felt my face go white at them seeing me like this. Bucky unwrapped the bandage around my cut. The gauze was already stained through with red liquid, "This still looks pretty bad, Anastasia."   
"Does she need stitches?" Steve asked.  
"No, medical adhesive should be fine, but no sparring for a while."

"Why not?" I demanded.

"Because we don't want the wound to open up again." Bucky said as he finished taking care of my cut. I covered my mutilated stomach as quickly as I could manage.

"It'll be fine." I insisted.

"Ana, no." Steve started, "You need to take care of that cut or it will get infected. No training for a week, at least."

"Okay, mom." I said, rolling my eyes.

Bucky smiled, "We just want what's best for you, darlin'…" He looked down for a moment, "which means we don't to see you hurt."  
"Can you tell us what happened?" Steve asked.  
I looked down at my feet. "I-I can't talk about it… Please don't make me." I begged, pulling my knees up to my chest. Bucky wrapped his arm around me and stroked my hair while Steve came to sit down on my other side. "Why can't you talk about it?" he asked. I shrugged, "I don't know. It's just… hard."  
"It's okay. You can talk to us when you're ready. Can you at least tell us how long this has been going on?" Bucky asked gently, rubbing my shoulder. "I've done it since I was 15." I said. Steve and Bucky both looked a little surprised.   
"Are there any other cuts on you?" Steve asked. I sighed deeply and pulled my sleeves up to show my wrists. Then I exposed my shoulders, and rolled up my sweatpants so they could see my thighs. Their faces almost broke my heart. I started to cry. 

"Hey now, " Bucky whispered, "It's okay." 

I tried to fight back my tears as much as possible. Bucky brushed some of my hair out of my face, "Are you hungry, Ana? You haven't eaten in awhile." With everything going on, I hadn't realized how hungry I was.

"Yeah, I think I could eat an entire pizza by myself right now."

Bucky laughed, "I guess we'll order two then."

 

…

 

After we finished off two entire pizzas of various flavors, and an entire marathon of Pirates of the Caribbean(because Steve and Bucky apparently had never seen it), I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I tried to hide it as best I could, unfortunately, Bucky noticed.  
"Why don't you go to bed, doll? It's getting kinda late."  
"It's only 11:00," I said, "but I guess that is late for someone who's your age." Steve laughed from the other end of the couch.  
"What are you laughing at, solider?" I asked, "You're not much younger."  
"Very funny." Bucky said sarcastically, "Go to bed, punk. You look like you haven't gotten much sleep lately."  
"I slept on the couch earlier, remember?" I said, crossing my arms.   
"That was a half an hour." Steve said.  
"which is enough to keep me going for a long time."  
"Ana, go to bed." Bucky said, "We'll see you tomorrow, after training."  
I scowled at Bucky. Not only was I upset about him telling me to go to sleep, but I was still mad he wouldn't let me train.  
Bucky smiled and kissed my forehead, "Goodnight, doll." he said. Steve hugged me and told me to sleep in tomorrow and enjoy a day off. As if.

After Steve and Bucky left, I dragged myself to my room to try to get some sleep since it was so important to them. As I laid in bed, I thought of all the things I might have done differently that day. I thought about Steve and Bucky finding out my darkest secret, just that morning. I replayed Steve's reaction over and over again in my head. He wasn't still mad, was he? I lay awake with my mind reeling. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, I laid there for what felt like hours, and when I looked at the clock. It had only been eight minutes. Unsure of what else to do, I grabbed my phone and texted Bucky. 

Me: Hey

Bucky: Hey, do you need something?

Me: No, I just wanted to make sure you got home okay :)

Bucky: Anastasia, I live down the hall from you. What's going on?

I wanted him to know, but I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to think I was crazy, but really I couldn't sleep.

Me: Nothing, I just don't feel tired.

Bucky: You need sleep whether your tired or not. Just try to rest, please?

Me: FINE

Bucky: Thank you!

I tried. I closed my eyes. I tried to relax. But I couldn't. It was too quiet. The silence was making a constant buzz in my ears. I could practically feel my blood pulsing through my veins. The darkness almost created shadows out of thin air. There was nothing to do but lay there in the silence and think. I tried to think of happy things. I tried to count to a thousand, take deep breaths, and keep my eyes closed. It was hopeless. Laying there in the darkness could only make me think about my past. How I felt so distant from my family. How I separated myself from them at a young age. How I tried learning combat and joining the marines. How I left that and became a mercenary who caught the attention of Hydra. Then came the years of running, hiding, and having no where to call home. It was lonely, but I liked it, in a way. I was always an independent person, who prided herself on never needing anyone's help. Until now, I guess. 

The thoughts all came back to me at once, like someone was playing them on repeat in my head. I laid there, more awake than ever, wondering what to do. Usually, for nights like these, I had my solutions. I knew Steve and Bucky wouldn't want me to, but with all of this coming back, I couldn’t help myself. Pushing the covers off. I went to the bathroom planning to rid myself of all emotions for that night. Just as I was getting up, my phone buzzed. I wandered over to the light beside my bed, and picked it up. It was a text from Bucky.

Bucky: Are you asleep yet?

I thought about ignoring it so he'd leave me alone. But somehow I ended up doing the right thing and texting him back with the truth.

Me: no…

Bucky: I'm coming over.

Me: You don't have to

Bucky: I want to. I'll be there in five minutes.

Well that spoiled my plans, but probably for the best. I went downstairs to wait for Bucky. I turned on the TV even though I didn't want to watch. I was sitting there staring off into space when I heard the knock on the door. I jumped up to answer it. Bucky strode into my apartment, wearing a loose pair of black sweatpants. His hair fell messily around his shoulders so I could tell he'd gotten out of bed to come see me. "You don't have to be here." I said, looking down. I felt bad for interrupting his sleep like this.   
"Actually, I do." he said, wrapping me in a hug, "I couldn't sleep either, I was too worried about you."   
I leaned my head on his chest. He was much taller than me so I could fit perfectly in his arms. "I'm fine." I said, trying to hold back tears. Bucky held me tighter, "No, you're not. And that's okay. Everyone as the right to be upset sometimes. Just don't let us lose you because of this." I blinked back that tears that threatened to fall and nodded, because I refuse to cry anymore tonight. "Thank you." I mumbled.   
"Anytime, doll." He said, releasing me from his arms. Bucky walked me to the couch and sat down. He flipped through the TV channels, while I leaned against his side. We didn't really watch anything, we mostly just talked. I started to feel tired, and the next thing I knew I was waking up with my head in Bucky's lap. There was just the faintest bit of light outside, so I decided to go back to sleep, since I didn't want to move anyway. 

When I woke up next, I was in my bed. Bucky must have carried me here before he went to train. There was a note by my bed. It was Bucky's neat handwriting.

Steve and I will meet you for breakfast after training. 

I glanced at the clock. It was already 10a.m.! I don't think I have slept this late in years. Bucky and Steve would be here within the next half hour. I saw no point in getting dressed as I had nothing to do today, thanks to Steve, so I picked up a book and planted myself in my favorite chair waiting for my friends' arrival.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. If you like the story please leave kudos, and if you have ideas on what I could change or improve, or want to tell me what you liked best, please leave a comment. :)


	3. Things Get Complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky goes on a mission, and there are a lot of tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post this a lot sooner, but I've been a little busy lately. I want to make sure this fic has regular updates, maybe every Sunday night? Also, I apologize for any spelling and grammar errors. It was late while I was editing/proofreading.

Chapter 3

Steve's POV

The morning after we'd discovered Ana's secret, I went to the training room at our usual time. Natasha was the only one there when I arrived. I was expecting Ana to be there as an act of rebellion. I was glad she stayed home to take care of herself, but made a mental note to check on her when I was done training. "Where's Anastasia?" Natasha asked when I entered the gym. For a moment I panicked. I hadn't thought of what to tell the others. Even though Nat and Ana were close, I wasn't sure if she would be okay with her knowing the secret. She hadn't even wanted Bucky and I to find out. I knew Nat wouldn't say anything if I asked her not to, but it wasn't my secret to tell. So I lied.

"She's not in the tower. She had to go to Headquarters to turn in paperwork."

"Oh." was all Natasha said, fixing her eyes on me, and I knew something had to have given me away. Right at that moment, Bucky strode into the gym. "You're late." Natasha said. "Sorry." he apologized apathetically, "I overslept."  
Natasha raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything.

After training, Bucky told me about meeting Ana for breakfast. He went to go shower leaving Natasha and I alone in the gym again. I grabbed my water bottle, turning to leave, when Natasha stopped me. 

"What are you not telling me, Rogers?"

I sighed, and turned to face her, "What do you mean?" he asked, feigning innocence.

"I'm a spy, Steve. I know you're hiding something, and it has something to do with Anastasia."

"I'm sorry, Nat, really. I want you to know, but I can't do that to Ana."

"She's my friend, Steve. I want to know if she's in trouble."

"I know you care about her, that's why you need to hear it from her and not me. I think she'll tell you when she's ready. Right now you just have to pretend you didn't notice, okay?"

Natasha nodded, "Okay, but I'm watching her, and you, Rogers." With that, she turned and left the gym. I showered and headed upstairs to join Bucky and Ana.

Ana's POV

I was still in my pajamas when Bucky and Steve came to my apartment for breakfast. We all got started making pancakes and bacon. It almost felt like a normal day with them again, and I was starting to feel a bit less stressed out about them knowing about my self harm. Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever. 

During breakfast, Bucky got a phone call. He came back and announced that he would be leaving for a short mission that night.  
"You're going solo?" I asked, cutting my pancakes into quarters. I was a bit confused because he didn't say anything about me. Ever since I'd joined the team, I'd always been paired with Bucky. In the very rare occasion of one of us was sent on a mission without the other, it was because one of us was injured.  
"No, Clint is going with me." he said. "Oh." I mumbled. I was mad that Clint got to go when I didn't, even if I knew Steve wouldn't let me go on this mission anyway. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a big deal. Bucky would be back in three days. He'd gone on missions all the time, and so had I, but this time, something felt different. I wanted him here. I needed him here. What if I had another night like last night? Who would be there? I tried to play off how nervous I was, but I think Bucky noticed. I excused myself, telling the boys I needed to go shower and get dressed as I was still in pajamas. I ran to the bathroom and shut the door. I quickly turned on the water so no one could hear me cry. The sting of the water over fresh cuts brought a sense of familiarity to me, and helped ease my anger at not being chosen for the mission, but not my anxiety about Bucky leaving.

Bucky's POV

I got a call to go on a mission with Clint. I could tell Ana wasn't happy about it. I was a little nervous too. She's been through a lot since yesterday and I think she's in a bit of shock. After she left the table in such a hurry, Steve told me what Nat had said to him at the gym. I hadn't thought about what to tell the rest of the team until now.

"Won't some of them, if not all of them, find out eventually?" I asked.

"It's possible," Steve said, "But it should be Ana's choice to tell them."

"I agree, but what do we say about her missing training for the next week?"

"I'll think of something." Steve said, picking up the dishes, "Just worry about your mission."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, this is the best timing ever. I feel bad I can't ask Ana to come with me."

Steve sighed, discarding the dishes in the sink. "You and I both know she can't go." he said.

"I know," I said, "I just don't really want to leave her right now."

 

Ana's POV

It had been two days since Bucky left for his mission. I was not taking it well. I had been crying myself to sleep since I found out he was leaving. Steve tried to distract me by making sure I was never alone. But I think it was just adding to the stress. It was hard enough missing Bucky and fighting the urge to cut without him, but having to pretend to be happy all the time was hard. I know Steve meant well, but I was still upset. In an attempt to get him to give me some space, I told him I was fine after the first day. I tried to tell the same lie to myself as well, but my own mind was not so easily convinced. I was honestly making an effort not to cut, but I'd made two relapses. I kept them both hidden from Steve. Without Bucky here there was no way I was telling him, especially after his initial reaction. 

I was in bed that night, with my body curled up in a tangle of sheets and blankets, clutching my pillow and crying. I had cried myself to sleep for the past two days, and I was almost getting used to the routine. I lay there in the darkness trying to let the tears out silently, even though it wasn't likely anyone would hear. Eventually, I had cried for so long that my head started to feel light, and it was getting harder to get oxygen. It felt like I was only asleep for a couple seconds before I was woken up by a familiar lurch in my stomach. I got out of bed and rushed to my bathroom. 

I must have spent the next ten minutes being sick before I went back to bed, trying to brush it off. In an hour, the same thing happened, and I was sick again. Only this time, it was worse. I was on my knees, retching into the toilet. When I was done, I was trembling and weak. A glance at the mirror also showed I was white as a sheet, except under my eyes, where I had dark bags as a result of three very restless nights. I used all of the energy I had left to get back into bed. I tried to go back to sleep but it was hopeless, I would just get sick again in thirty minutes. After two more times of rushing to the bathroom, I flopped back on my bed mumbling "What is wrong with me?" At this point, JARVIS got tired of watching me suffer. I heard his crisp, cool voice through the walls, "I have contacted Captain Rogers; he is on his way."  
I groaned into my pillow. I didn't need help, I'd be fine. A few minutes later, I heard a knock outside my bedroom door. Too weak to get up and answer it, I lay there and just waited for the noise to go away. It didn't.

"Ana?" Steve said from the other side of my door, "I'm coming in, alright?"

I guess he took my lack of protest as an okay, because the door started to open. The light flooding into the room almost made me puke again. Because hours of crying and throwing up will leave you with one of the worst headaches ever; like a bass drum pounding inside your skull.  
I forced myself to sit up as Steve's silhouette came over and sat down on my bed. "Hey," he whispered, "JARVIS told me you weren't well. Are you getting sick?" He placed the back of his hand against my forehead, and I weakly smacked it away. "I'm fine." I whispered hoarsely, my voice was nearly gone from all the crying, "It's probably nothing." "This is absolutely not nothing." Steve said, brushing my hair behind my ears. I leaned against his chest pathetically, as I was too dizzy to sit up anymore. "If you're so sure there's something wrong, what do you think it is?" Steve's hand moved down to my back, rubbing slow, soothing circles. "My best guess? Probably that you miss Bucky more than you realize."  
Something inside of me broke when he said that, and even though I though it impossible, more tears spilled from my eyes, leaving a damp patch on Steve's shoulder. I didn't want to believe for a second my body was weak enough to give out on me over an emotional trauma. I didn't want to believe I'd experienced any kind of emotional trauma. Because when you work side by side with people like Natasha Romanoff, who wouldn't let anything so silly as feelings interfere with her work or responsibilities, (whether they be with SHIELD or something as simple as grocery shopping) and Clint "poker face" Barton, who shows no expressions but serious ones at almost all times, you get the idea that expressing feeling means failure, and emotions are weakness. I try so hard to keep things hidden from most of the team, and I save all of my emotional thoughts or outbursts for when Bucky and Steve are around. So I was having a really hard time admitting something as silly as anxiety for Bucky's return had reduced me to the likeness of a small child. Even though I hadn't spoken, Steve understood the meaning behind my uncontrollable sobbing. "It's okay," he told me, "I miss him too. But he'll be back tomorrow.”  
I was starting to get my tears under control, but I was still shaking, not so much from anxiety anymore, but from not having anything in my stomach. Steve got me some water, insisting that Bucky would never forgive him for letting me get dehydrated on his watch. "You should try and get some rest." Steve said. I nodded, since I was now feeling rather tired. I gave Steve a hug, "Thank you." I said, "For everything."  
Steve smiled and left my room. I leaned back against my pillows and finally got some sleep. 

When I woke up, it was almost noon. I would never sleep this late under normal conditions, but the events of the night before left me pretty worn out. I remembered how Steve had spent half of the night sitting with me and calming me down. I felt bad now for hiding my relapse from him. I still didn't want to tell him though, out of fear of a bad reaction. I looked at my clock and realized there was only a couple of hours before I would see Bucky again. That made me smile as I got out of bed, and got dressed. I went to the main floor. We like to have a meal together at least once a week, and often all the team members present in the tower at the time will hang out there. Currently, the people present on this floor were Steve, Tony, Bruce, Natasha, Sam, and Pepper. They had already eaten breakfast, as it was well into the day. Pepper offered me a late brunch, which I declined. "Aren't you hungry, Stasia?" Tony asked (He calls me that because he knows I hate it). As arrogant and obnoxious as Tony can seem at times, he seemed to be showing genuine concern for my wellbeing. "No, I'm fine. Thanks, Tony." I said, staring out the window at the New York skyline. I had bigger things on my mind. I had to see Bucky again. "You really should eat something, Ana." Natasha told me. I shook my head. Natasha's eyes wandered from me to Steve. Natasha's stare can be creepy because she's a spy, so she could be thinking of ways to kill you or that she really likes your top and you'll never know the difference. The way she looked at me today made me nervous. I wondered if Steve had told her anything, or if she was suspicious of me at all. I hoped she wasn't, because when Natasha wants information, she gets it.

After everyone went about their own daily activities. I was waiting impatiently for Bucky's arrival. When JARVIS finally informed me that the quintet had landed, I raced to the roof to meet Bucky. He was getting off the plane when I got there. "Bucky!" I shouted as I ran to hug him. He picked me up and spun me around like in the movies, our usual reunion ritual. As nice as it usually is, with the emptiness and nausea in my stomach, it sent me into a dizzy spell that felt like I just got off the teacups ride at Disneyland. I stumble forward when Bucky put me down, and he grabbed my waist to keep me upright. "Whoa, you alright doll?" I winced as he had just unintentionally dug his fingers into the cut on my side. "Sorry." he said. "It's fine." I said, "I'm alright. I missed you!"  
"What about me?" Clint said as he got off the jet. "meh." I shrugged just to annoy him. "Why am I even on this team?" Clint said with mock hurt. I hugged him, then followed him and Bucky inside to the main floor. After greeting the rest of the team. I went with Bucky to his room to help him unpack. It was just then that I noticed he had a bandage on his shoulder.  
"You got hurt?" I asked him.  
"Not really. I'll be fine in a couple days." He assured me, "I'm more worried about you, doll. What happened up there on the roof?" I turned away from him, occupying myself with folding a t-shirt almost too perfectly, "It was nothing. I just skipped breakfast."  
"You what?" Bucky asked, mumbling something about Steve being irresponsible under his breath. Then he looked at me with his crystal blue eyes so full of concern and asked the one question I hoped he wouldn't. "Have you cut yourself recently?" I looked down at the now very interesting carpet. "Anastasia?" I nodded. Bucky sighed, and pulled me into a hug. "Did you tell Steve?"  
"No." I mumbled into his chest. Bucky sighed again, "Ana, he could have helped you." He paused and pulled away from me "What happened, sweetheart?" "I don't know. I don't really want to talk about it right now. I'm just glad you're back."  
"Me too, doll. Me too."

Bucky's POV

I knew Ana wasn't telling me something. I had to tell Steve about her relapse, and further discuss what to do to help Ana recover. I knew she wouldn't like it, but maybe it would help to talk to someone that wasn't Steve or me. But right now, I did just want to enjoy being home. So I gave her a smile, " Why don't we go find Steve and get something to eat? I'm starving."


	4. Tony Should Keep His Mouth Shut

Bucky's POV

Ana, Steve, and I went out to a little old fashioned diner in brooklyn.  It was one of the few vintage diners left in the area, the atmosphere was what had us in love with the place, as it reminded Steve and I of better days in the past when he was nothing more than skin and bones trying to prove himself in a fight in every alley and parking lot in Brooklyn. We chose a booth in corner nearest to the jukebox that played dated songs compared to Ana’s playlist of Fall Out boy and All Time Low.  Despite the music it was quiet, which was a gift after a while of living the life of an Avenger. Quiet time was harder to come by than you’d think. I watched Ana slowly nibble on an order of french fries, she was barely eating and I couldn't help but be concerned. She exchanged small glances with Steve as if they were having some sort of telepathic conversation and soon I couldn't handle the silence that on any other day, would have been peaceful. Glancing between the two of them, I tried to pick up some small fragments of what they could be discussing. From the slightly disappointed look on Steve’s face I could only guess that she told him about her relapses. It was a difficult thing to accept for Steve, hell, even I couldn't quite grasp the concept of self harm.  I  could only imagine the past horrors that would drive her to do it. The light buzz of Ana’s phone on the table caught her attention breaking the tense eye contact.  "Natasha wants me to go for a run with her." she mumbled behind the sleeve of the oversized sweatshirt that she likely stole from my closet.  "I don't think you should go." Steve said tightly, shifting in his seat.    
"Running is different from sparring; and beside's, the cut is healing." She was clearly not comfortable with the constant shadow Steve was casting on her. 

"That's not what I was referring to." the muscles in his jaw visibly clenched in irritation

"I'll be fine." she said matching Steve’s frustration. 

"Just promise to be careful." I said finally trying to break their tension.  I knew Ana needed some space and her daily workouts served as a time for her to think. Steve didn’t see it this way however and looked very upset at her insistence to go running.  "I will." she promised with a quick hug, "See you later."  

"I can't believe you're okay with this." Steve snapped after Ana left.

"Why not? keeping her from living isn't going to help anything."

"She shouldn't be running in the condition she's in!"

"I don't think cuts are affected by running, Steve.  And I think it will help her clear her head."

"Bucky, how can you let her go running when she has been up all night puking?"

"What?" My eyes narrowed looking at the withered tabletop before slamming a fist down. The sudden noise caused a few other customers near our table to jump and stare. I looked down and realized my cybernetic hand had left a dent. I hadn't meant to, but sometimes, my metal arm just reacts on it's own, because it's connected to my brain. Steve looked at my still clenched fist. "She didn't tell you?"

"No." I huffed, "She did tell me that she cut while I was gone, though."

Steve sighed, shaking his head at himself, "I knew I should have watched her more carefully."

"It's not your fault, Steve." I reassured him, "What are we gonna do with this girl?" I mumbled down at the table.

"I've been thinking about that myself." Steve sighed sitting back.  

We both stared out the window for a long time.  I was worried about Ana.  More worried than I'd ever been about another person.  Probably more than when I thought I was leaving Steve alone in Brooklyn.  Ana was my best friend.  When she first joined the team, I was still in and out of recovery and her presence alone seemed to calm the storm that raged on in my mind.  She had been quiet in the beginning, I thought she would never talk. I remember finding her shyness so adorable.  However, I soon learned that even though she appeared so timid, that did not mean she couldn't hold her own.  It was during our first sparring session, she managed to land an impressive blow right under my chin that had me seeing stars before  knocking  me off my feet in ten seconds. It wasn't just her hidden fighting skills that he admired about her.  Ana loved to read.  I could watch her read all day.  Her hair falls around her face, and the more interested she is in the book, the worse her posture gets.  I was thinking about this when Steve got my attention.  He was looking at his phone with an expression I couldn't read.  "What is it?" There was no masking the worry that filled my voice .  "We need to get home." he said quickly, "I'll explain on the way."

 

…

 

Ana's POV

After Natasha and I were done running, we went back to the tower. I collapsed onto the plush, leather couch, breathing heavily, with sweat glistening on my face. "You want some water?" Natasha asked. I groaned to match my muscles screaming in pain. "I'll take that as a yes. This is what you get for missing three days of training."

"It's not my fault." I said defensively. I can actually run for a long time before I get tired, but Natasha can go forever. Today, I made her stop at twelve miles.

The whirring of the elevator caught my attention. It stopped on our floor and Tony stepped out, typing furiously away on his phone. When his eyes landed on me, he made a face of disgust, "Can you not sweat all over my couch? It's expensive." 

"Can you be quiet? I'm dying here and I need to think of some really good last words." I snapped back as Natasha set a water bottle on the coffee table. She smirked as she settled into her own spot on the couch with her post-run smoothie. I think she likes watching me argue with Tony. He and I are actually very good friends, and I spend a lot of my time in his workshop. The holograms are great for designing new tech and rifles, and for playing games when I'm bored.

"Really? Three days of ditching training has you this out of shape?" Tony playfully poked my ribs in just the wrong spot. It hurt. I winced from the sharp sting, but tried hide it with a smile. I thought he never noticed, but this time, he looked at me with a curious expression. "Something wrong?" he asked, tilting his head to the side. I shook my head, "I'm fine." Tony looked at me again, his brown eyes tearing into me, searching for answers.  
"It's not like you to miss training" he stated.  
"Yeah, I just haven't been feeling well lately." I lied, taking a sip from my water bottle.

"Steve said you were at SHIELD." Natasha interjected.

Tony eyed me suspiciously, "Are you hiding something from us, Stasia?"

Now I was starting to panic. My whole secret was falling apart!

"Why would you ask that, Tony?" I said defensively, sitting up and crossing my arms.

"Because, we're friends, and friends don't hide things from each other." he said, poking my ribs again, causing me to wince in pain again. "Obviously only one of your excuses is true. So which one is it?" Tony said, copying my gesture.

"Why do you want to know?" I snapped. I'm not a good liar, but that answer probably wasn't any less suspicious, but I was starting to get irritated with Tony. 

"Whatever your reason was, it's fine. You don't have to hide anything from us." Natasha said calmly, trying to extinguish the argument. Unfortunately, it didn't work.

"I'm not hiding anything!" I was furious now; and scared. I didn't want to tell anyone else what had been going on. I couldn't have my supervising officer thinking I was weak, or my mentor thinking I was unstable. A this point, I'll be lucky if Steve ever lets me back on the field again. Not knowing what else to do, I jumped up and stormed out of the room.

 

3rd person POV

Tony watched the elevator doors shut after Anastasia left. "JARVIS, where is she going?" he demanded.  
"I believe she will go to her apartment." he said. "When she gets there, lock the door. Don't let her leave. This is a Code Blue."  
"Tony, what are you doing?" Natasha asked, trying to keep her voice steady. She knew Tony almost always had good intentions but did not always have a good execution of those intentions.

"I'm going to talk to her." he said, pressing the elevator button.

"Are you sure that's a good idea? She seems upset. Mostly with you." Natasha pointed out.

"You're not going to tell me you haven't noticed there's something off with lately, are you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Tony."

"You must be a lousy Supervising Officer, then."

Natasha glared at him for a second, then her expression changed, and she sighed, "I noticed she's been distant." she admitted.

"Me too. And I think I know what's bugging her. I hope I'm wrong, but it's not likely." Tony said as he stepped into the elevator. Natasha saw fear in his eyes, and also concern, something Tony Stark does not often express openly. Now she knew whatever he was talking about, he was serious. She began to worry.

"so, what is it?" she asked.

"Really? You don't know?" Tony scoffed. It wasn't meant to be condescending, but it sure seemed that way.

Natasha rolled her eyes, "Well, we can't all be geniuses. So, what is wrong with her?" 

"The same problems I had when we met, remember?" Tony said as the doors closed. 

Natasha sat thinking alone for a moment. No. NO. Absolutely not. There was no way Ana was like that. Natasha didn't want to believe it, but the proof was all there. As she thought more and more about Ana's behavior, she knew Tony was right. She became angry at herself for not figuring it out sooner, or not paying enough attention. She was scared for Ana's wellbeing. With shaky hands, she whipped out her phone to text Steve. 

 

Bucky POV

 

"Why are we in such a hurry to get home?" I asked as Steve got us a cab. Normally we'd take the subway, but taxis are usually faster, especially when you tip well.

"See for yourself." Steve said giving me his phone.

I scrolled through a recent conversation with Nat.

Nat: I'm worried about Anastasia. Is she Okay?

Steve: Did she tell you something?

Nat: Tell me what? Tony knows something is up. He is going to talk to her.

Nat: Steve, is she okay?

I felt my blood boil. I wasn't fond of Stark in the beginning. We're friends now, but this made me angry at him. He had no right to pry into Ana's personal business. 

"I bet he had JARVIS spy on Ana." I told Steve.

"Bucky, you know even Tony wouldn't abuse power like that."

"Wouldn't he? I swear if he's hurt her in any way… " I growled.

"Let's not panic. We don't even know what he knows yet. All we know is that we may have a lot to clear up with Natasha." Steve said, calm as ever.

I rolled my eyes, looking out the window to watch the city go by. I passed the time thinking of how badly I would hurt Stark if he upset Ana.

 

Ana POV

 

I was in my apartment, trying to recover from my conversation with Tony and Nat when I heard a knock. "Who is it JARVIS?"  
"Captain Rogers miss."  
I rushed to open the door, but it wasn't Steve on the other side. Needless to say I was disappointed, also infuriated, that Tony would use his AI to lie to me. Tony blocked the door before I could slam it in his face. "Miss me, Stasia?" he asked. "No." I snapped.  
"Can I come in? I want to apologize."  
"I don't think you do, but why not?"  
Tony gave me a smirk as he walked in. I tried to brush him off by going to the kitchen. It might have seemed a little rude but I was pretty upset. I started cutting up strawberries. While Tony made himself at home, sitting on a barstool with his chin in his hand.  
"Do you mind?" Tony asked, pointing to one of my strawberries, "I'm not allowed to have these in my flat." I rolled my eyes and shrugged. He snatched a bright red berry, bringing it to his lips.  
"I am sorry." he said.  
He sounded sincere, but I wasn't sure. I tried raising an eyebrow at him the way Nat does. It must have worked a little because I could see him shift nervously before continuing, "I shouldn't have accused you of lying, or brought up the subject of you hiding anything in front of Nat." He sighed deeply, "But listen, honey, I know you are hiding something, and if you don't want to tell me… "  
"I don't." I snapped, cutting him off. My breathing was getting shallow, and my heart was pounding.  
"Can I guess?" Tony asked. It was a rhetorical question, apparently, because he didn't give me a chance to say anything before he leaned towards me like he was studying me. "You've been distant for the past few days… " he said.  
"The flu, remember?"  
"Ana, don't lie to me. I've noticed things since you first moved in. Your shyness; the way you can't make eye contact with anyone. I know you lie about your life before Hydra. You tug on your sleeves whenever you lie. At first I didn't understand what you could have to hide, but then I started to notice more. Your fingernails are nonexistent, and you always wore long sleeves at first, even to this day I've never seen your shoulders. It all adds up now." I glared at him, daring him to finish his statement. To my dismay, he got up so he was standing face to face with me, so he could continue, "You express pain whenever someone touches you in certain places, primarily your ribs and shoulders. You pull on your sleeves when you think no one's looking. You're self destructive, am I right?"  
Tony looked at me, waiting for me to admit he was right.  
"I think you've been watching too much Sherlock." I quipped, I tried to turn and leave, but Tony grabbed me, by my shoulder, causing me to hiss in pain. Because I had cut there only yesterday, the cut reopened and blood started to show through my shirt. Tony watched the red stain grow intently. I had proved him right. "Are you happy now?!" I shouted at Tony. "Yes! I'm a cutter! I hurt myself and I know it's sick and disgusting and I do it anyway!" I screamed. Then it got worse. Memories started flooding back to me. Things I hadn't thought about in a long time, things I only wished I could forget. I started sobbing uncontrollably, tears blurred my vision and I started to zone out, like I didn't know where I was. I could feel my heart pounding and I was shaking like a leaf. I grabbed onto the counter to keep my balance and tried to focus on where I was and getting oxygen. In between my own ragged breaths I heard Tony whisper, "you're not-"  
"Not what?" I asked, snapping my head up. Tony was standing in front of me now, even though I hadn't noticed he moved.  
Tony put his hands on my shoulders gently, not wanting to hurt me.  
"You're not crazy." he said, "You may not be completely normal, but who is? You're strong and beautiful and I know you'll make it through this."  
"How do you know?" I asked him, looking into his eyes. They hadn't left mine for a second, as they wanted me to know they were truthful.  
"Because you have me, and Steve, and Bucky, and everyone else in this tower. We're going to help whether you want it or not."  
I sighed, letting myself sink to the floor out of exhaustion. I brought my knees to my chest and rested my forehead against them. To my surprise, Tony joined me on the floor. He sat in silence for a minute, which was about a minute longer than he'd ever gone without talking in his lifetime. Then he pointed to my shoulder.  
Show me." Tony said.  
"Why? You already know."  
"Just do it." I pulled my shirt down so my shoulder was exposed. Tony opened a first-aid kit I hadn't noticed was there. He must have grabbed it in the middle of my freakout. I felt him wipe the blood away, and stick something to my shoulder. I saw a bright red, white, and blue Captain America band-aid covering my cut. That definitely didn't come from the first-aid kit. It seemed weird he would put it on me, as I wasn't really bleeding anymore, and it didn't cover much anyway.  
"You keep Captain America band-aids in your pocket?" I questioned.  
"Yes." Tony said as though I was the weird one for questioning it.  
"They make everything better." Tony explained to me, "When I was a kid they didn't really have cool band-aids like this. So I make it a point to have interesting ones now."  
Tony was actually being pretty understanding about this whole cutting thing. I was a little awestruck at his ability to be so casual about it. He must have noticed the confusion on my face, because he said, "I'm sorry, I'm not very good at this… support thing. I know you'd probably much rather talk to Steve or Bucky about this."  
"No, Tony. I love it." I smiled, pointing at my band-aid, "And you're handling this a lot better than Steve did."

"What did he say?" Tony inquired.

"He didn't really say much. He yelled… a lot." I whispered, starting to chew on my pinky nail.

"And Bucky?"

"Better, but I still don't know if he gets it. They really just want to know why? And I can't really explain that." I said, playing with my sleeves. I hadn't really planned on sitting here talking about this with Tony, but he was surprisingly easy to talk to, even about self harm.

"Well, honey, you've had it tough for someone so young, I understand that it must be painful for you, but I don't think that's all of why you do this." 

"Oh yeah? Well what's your theory, Freud?" 

"Based on your nail-biting habit, and the fact that you won't ever go to one of my parties, and the little episode you had a few minutes ago, I'd say you might have an anxiety problem." 

I pressed my forehead to my knees. "I guess so."

"It's not as bad as you think." Tony said reassuringly, "You'll get through it." 

I smiled, and hugged him. "Thank you, Tony. You really aren't a jerk all the time."

"Wow, kid, I'm honored."

We laughed, and he helped me off of the kitchen floor. I wiped my tears away and went to clean up the abandoned strawberries I'd left on the counter. That's when we heard the door slam open followed by an angry shout. I jumped in surprise when I heard Bucky's voice.

"Stark!"


	5. Misunderstandings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been too long, I'm sorry. Life has been... busy, to say the least. I got a job, and school started (lame excuses, I know). Anyway, enjoy this chapter, the next one should be up a lot sooner. (Also, I didn't spend a lot of time editing this chapter, so it may have a few mistakes)

Chapter 5

Ana POV

Bucky stormed into the kitchen glaring daggers at Tony, with Steve right behind him. "Who told you, Stark?!" he roared, "Was it that damn robot?!"

"Bucky, no, that's not what happened." I tried to calm him down before things got out of control, and did something he’d regret.

Bucky completely ignored me as he closed in on Tony. "Is this all some kind of joke to you?! Meddling in her personal problems for your own entertainment. Are you going to rat her out now?" Bucky's fists were clenched at his sides, but I knew they wouldn't stay there long. I knew Tony and Bucky still weren't always on good terms. Even though they worked together as teammates, and they were normally civil to each other, neither one trusted the other. Bucky’s knuckles went white as he aimed his hand to strike. I shot Steve a desperate glance, begging him to get Bucky to back down. 

"Buck… " Steve started, "I think you should give Tony a chance to explain."

"I don't want to hear anything he has to say." Bucky snapped. Tony backed farther into the corner, eyes wild with fear.

"Bucky, please." I pleaded, "Tony was trying to help."

Bucky slowly lowered his arm, "Alright. Explain." he spat.

Tony sighed in relief, and briefly explained how he had noticed something wasn't right for a while now. I explained what happened on the main floor, between Nat, Tony, and I, knowing Bucky would rather hear it from me than Tony. I told him Tony had come to check on me after I stormed out and how I had decided to tell him what was going on. Bucky glared at Tony through my entire explanation. After I was done, he turned and left the room. I heard the door open and slam shut again, meaning he had also left the apartment. Tony, Steve, and I exchanged concerned looks. 

"Ana, Steve, I'm sorry." Tony started "I never meant to… "

"It's fine, Tony. I'm just going to make sure Bucky's alright." I said.

 

…

 

3rd Person POV 

Tony and Steve were left in Ana's kitchen. Steve stared Tony down silently. "So you knew?" he said, "Even before I did?" he looked down. Tony would almost say he looked ashamed. "Don't feel bad about it, Steve.” Tony said, “She was trying really hard to hide it. It's not your fault. These things can be… hard to understand."

"Cause I'm from the forties and don't know how the world works?" Steve asked, almost a little bitterly.

"Because unless you've experienced it, you can't always see it. And trust me, this is an extremely taboo subject even in the modern world." Tony replied. It was true. There was no need for Steve to beat himself up over this. However, being the good leader he was, he wasn’t going to accept any consolation while a member of his team was hurting; and being the good friend he was, would never sit by and let her suffer.

"Then what do we do, Tony? I have no idea what to say or how to help."

"Yeah, she mentioned you were a little hard on her."

Steve looked down again, "I like to think I know the world now, but this? I still don't quite understand this."

"Do you mean just cutting, or anxiety and depression as well?"

Steve sighed, "I guess none of it really. I mean, I’ve had my own experiences with PTSD, but I don’t know what Ana’s going through. I want to help her, but… “ 

"It's not always a bad thing to ask someone else." Tony pointed out.

“I guess you’re right.” Steve admitted. He thought about Tony’s statement. Could Ana benefit from outside advice? He had to admit he felt helpless in this situation, as a leader and as a friend. He hated to admit it, but Tony was right.

 

…

 

"Bucky?" I asked quietly, stepping onto the roof of Stark tower. He was looking out over the city, and didn't acknowledge my voice. I went to his side, poking it when he didn't answer me, "Bucky?" I asked again. He turned around to face me, "I'm sorry." he said, hanging his head. "For what?" I asked, reaching up to cup his cheek. "I know I overreacted a bit." He mumbled, "But I… I thought he would hurt you. "  
"He didn't. He was very understanding." I said.  
"I know, I feel bad for blowing up like that, I mean this isn't about me it's about you."  
I wasn't sure how to feel about that. I'd never had someone care about me so much and as much as I wanted it, it wasn't easy for me to accept. Bucky must have noticed the change in my face.  
"What's wrong, doll?" he asked.  
"I don't know," I said rubbing my arms to create warmth, I shivered, and my teeth started chattering. "Do you want my jacket?" Bucky offered. I nodded quickly. Bucky wrapped his sweatshirt around me. I pulled the hood up, burying myself in its perfect scent. "Now, tell me what's wrong." Bucky said. I shrugged, "I've just kept this a secret for so long, and the other time it ever got out, it turned into a mess, and I don't want to relive that. It's why I find it hard to talk about."  
Bucky look at me like he understood. He probably did, given his background. He hates talking about HYDRA, and will avoid killing or talking about killing whenever possible. He wrapped his arms around me, "You don't have talk about it if you don't want to." I hugged him back tightly. I didn't say anything, but I hope my gratitude was implied.  
"We should get back downstairs." Bucky said, "Just to warn you, I think Nat may have figured out as well."  
I couldn't bring myself to say anything about this, either, but silently followed Bucky to the elevator, hiding my hands in the sleeves of his jacket. How many more people had to find out? Would my secret ever be safe again? 

 

…

 

When I got off the elevator in the common room, I was instantly pulled to the side by Natasha. Her expression didn't say much (The perks of being an espionage master), she just stared me down for a few minutes, then asked, "Was Tony right?"  
"Yes." I whispered, afraid of her response. She is one of my best friends, and I trust her a lot, but naturally, I get anxious about people finding out I slice my arms open in my spare time. Natasha's expression softened, and she hugged me. I returned her embrace and she whispered in my ear, "If you need anything, you know where to find me." We broke apart and I went back to Bucky's side. The elevator doors opened again, revealing Tony and Steve. Tony avoided eye contact with Bucky, and Steve had his captain expression on. I wondered what they had done while I was on the roof. I thought they would have talked to Natasha while I was gone.  
"Ana, I think we should talk."  
What more could there be to talk about? I wondered.  
"Okay." I said, wrapping Bucky's jacket tighter around me. “Can Bucky come?” I asked.  
Steve nodded.  
We went to the small kitchen/dining area adjacent to the common room. I knew Tony and Natasha would try to listen in, but they already knew what was going on, so I didn’t care.  
"I think you should sit down." He said as he took a seat at the table, as Bucky leaned against the counter. I was getting a little nervous now.  
"So, I was talking with Tony," Steve started, pausing awkwardly like he didn’t know what to say next. “Listen, Ana, there’s no easy way to say this… ” His tone was softer, like he was trying to talk to a child. Now I was getting irritated.  
"You can say whatever you want." I snapped. I waited, gesturing for Steve to spit it out already. I was sure I could handle whatever he could say.  
"Okay, well I was thinking maybe you should see a therapist."  
I was not expecting that.

"What?" my jaw dropped. I was shocked. I wasn't sure what to think. I mean, Bucky has refused a shrink since he moved in and Steve has always supported that decision. I was confused as to what would change his mind so quickly. Before I got the chance to inquire further than one syllable, Bucky did it for me. "You really think she needs a shrink?" he said. "You never thought I needed one."  
"That situation was a bit… different." Steve said, "I think Ana might benefit from getting outside support."  
"Why would she need 'outside support'? She has plenty of people to support her right here."  
"We're not exactly professionals." Steve pointed out.  
"You don't need a professional when there's nothing wrong." Bucky snapped.  
"You'll never know what's wrong if we don't get her any help." Steve said.  
"There's nothing wrong with her!" Bucky raised his voice.  
I was starting to get tense. I don't really like confrontation to begin with, but now that it's all about me, I feel like I caused it. It's almost like the arguing is my fault. Not knowing what else to do, I screamed, "Enough!" Steve and Bucky got quiet immediately, "I am not some toy for everyone to argue over! You can't just sit here arguing about my future without even asking me!" I screamed. I was returned with four blank stares. Now I was panicked. I got up and ran from the room. Natasha called after me, but I ignored her.

I rushed into my apartment, down the hall, to my bedroom, and then locked the door. I collapsed onto my bed, staring blankly at the ceiling while trying to process everything that had just happened. I wasn't sure how I felt about therapy, but that wasn't the worst thought on my mind at the moment. I was more upset that my friends had been fighting. It was all your fault, too, my brain told me. If I wasn't such an idiot they would all be fine right now. If I could have just kept my secret none of this would have happened. Bucky and Steve shouldn't have to worry about you. Neither should Natasha or Tony. They have their own problems. I felt tears start to leak from my eyes. I curled myself into a ball, trying to shield myself from my thoughts. It was hopeless, though. You probably are crazy, but no therapist can fix that. Eventually, I'd had enough. I couldn't take it anymore and in a desperate attempt to clear my mind, I ran to the bathroom, tearing through the cupboards until I found my blades. The relief was almost immediate as I dragged the silver blade across the curve of my hip, drawing small beads of red liquid from my skin. I'd only gone a couple days without cutting, but this still felt like the first time in years. I repeated the process on my other hip, and the upper part of both of my arms. I cleaned myself off, and cleaned the bathroom quickly, leaving no trace. I climbed into my bed, feeling like the weight of a world had been lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't think about the argument anymore, all I could focus on was the sting of my cuts. I put my headphones in and turned on some music. Putting the dread of inevitably having to face Steve and Bucky again about the topic of therapy in the back of my mind. With the familiar sounds of my punk rock lullabies, and the burning feeling of the sheets against my raw cuts, I slowly drifted into sleep.


	6. Just Another Day in Norway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ana accompanies Steve and Bucky on a mission.

Bucky's POV

After Ana left the main floor, I glared at Steve. How could he suggest Ana was crazy, and put her in the middle of an argument like this. Ana has told Steve and I that she doesn't like arguing. I've noticed that yelling makes her flinch when she thinks no one's looking. Tony and Nat entered the kitchen. "What happened?" Natasha asked. "Ask Steve." Bucky growled. Natasha raised an eyebrow at Steve. He sighed, "I recommended she talk to a therapist about her problem, and she didn't take it well."  
"You did what?!" Natasha snapped. "It was partly Tony's idea." Steve said defensively. Tony threw his hands up, "Whoa, hold on. I didn't say you should talk to her right away about it. She's had a rough day, 

"Well, what are we going to do?" Tony asked. Steve sighed, "Nothing. She's right, we can't make decisions for her. I'll talk to her tomorrow."  
Tony and Nat agreed and left to their own apartments. When it was just Steve and I, I cornered him with the question I'd had all night.  
"Why the sudden change in opinion on therapy, Steve? Did Stark get into your head?"  
"No, Bucky, I just think she might benefit from an outside opinion."

"You want someone who doesn't even know her to tell her how her brain should work?"

"Bucky, I just want her to know her options, okay? If she wants therapy, or doesn't, it doesn't matter, we'll do whatever she wants."

I nodded, feeling better now that it was her choice.

"So… "Steve said, "You've been really protective of Ana lately."

"Well, yeah." I said, "She's hurting enough without Stark, or Nat, or some shrink adding to it." I said, crossing my arms.

"I know she means a lot to you, Buck." 

"What does that mean? Doesn't she mean a lot to you too?"

"Yes, of course. I just meant… nevermind." Steve said, "I'm going to bed. I'll see you tomorrow, and we'll both talk to Ana, okay?"

"Okay." I said, a little confused to what Steve was trying to say earlier.

Ana's POV

I woke up the next morning feeling a lot better. I decided I was going to training that day whether Steve would allow it or not. I quickly threw on my workout clothes, and took the elevator to the gym. I didn't really want to talk to anyone after the events of last night, so I tried to sneak off to the corner, so I could keep my head down and focus all of my frustration into a punching bag. There I was throwing punches and jabs and kicks at my imaginary opponent. I was punching harder and harder as my thoughts got louder. Suddenly, as I was about to throw another blow to the bag, a cold metal hand grabbed my wrist. "What do you want?" I snapped. "Well, good morning to you too, Sunshine." Bucky said with a grin. He was acting very different from the night before. I tore my hand from his grasp, and he frowned. "Steve and I want to talk to you, doll."

"Well I can't say the feeling's mutual right now." I said, turning back to the punching bag. Bucky gave me his puppy dog eyes, "Please, doll, I'm sorry about last night." I hate it when he pulls his stupid pouty face, because it makes me feel bad, and it's very hard to stay mad at him. "Fine." I said. "Let me go shower first."

 

…

 

After a quick shower, I went to Steve's apartment. "Hey, Ana!" he greeted, "Would you like some breakfast?" "Umm… sure." I said, sitting on at the island in the kitchen. To be honest, I kind of liked Steve's apartment, even though it was almost too neat. Bucky and I have a game where we move random objects, to see if he gets annoyed. I moved the coasters on the table, and turned his newspaper upside down. Steve slid a plate of eggs in front of me. "So, " he started, "I wanted to talk about last night." I nodded, focusing intently on my eggs. "I'm sorry for bringing it up so suddenly on you, and I was wrong to argue about it without asking for your permission. I just want you to know, that the decision is entirely yours, whether you want therapy or not, I'll support your decision entirely, and do whatever I can to help."  
"You mean I don't have to do this? You're not worried about having a mentally unstable member on your team?"

"Of course not. While you may not be in a good place right now, you're not a danger to the team, and if you're feeling up to it, I've got a mission tonight I could use your help on."

"Really?"

"Yes, but only if you think you're okay. You've been through a lot the past couple days."

I nodded, subconsciously rubbing at the fresh cuts I'd made the night before. I could tell Steve I probably wasn't mission ready right now, but they weren't deep, and I was itching to get out. "What's the target, cap?" I asked with a smirk.

"Nothing big, just a guy we need to bring in for an interrogation, I could use your help on the extraction."

"Got it." I said. Since joining SHIELD, I have found less lethal ways of taking out targets. In cases like this one, where we need to interrogate someone, I usually go in for backup and emergencies, because I can hit a target from a far distance. I'm a talented marksman in all fields, Clint doesn't like to admit it, but I almost rival him at archery. Natasha insists that I'm not bad with throwing knives either. Also, since joining the Avengers, Tony has been teaching me some things about tech and design, and I'm picking it up pretty quick, so I can also hack systems and track viruses. The only thing I have yet to do is an undercover mission, my expertise are not usually necessary for those assignments, and while my hand to hand combat skills are good in the training room, they decrease under pressure.

 

…

 

Steve, Bucky, Nat, and I were on the quinjet, somewhere over Norway. Steve was explaining the mission plan to me.  
"Why this guy?" I asked, "Is he Hydra? And why are we in the middle of nowhere to find him?"  
"He's not Hydra that we're aware of." After Bucky joined the Avengers, he and Steve tracked down and defeated most of Hydra's assets and bases. The few that remain are usually in discreet places like where we were headed. Steve continued, "His name is Lars Anderson. A wealthy doctor and collector of viking antiquities. He's been hiding in his underground bunker for several weeks. SHIELD has suspicions that he may have found some Asgardian technology."  
"Really? He has his own underground bunker but he's not a threat until he plays with space junk?"  
"Anyway, SHIELD has contacted Erik Selvig and Jane Foster, trying to find a way to communicate with Thor. If there is Asgardian tech out here, we want it sent back to Asgard as soon as possible."  
I couldn't help but smile a bit at this. I loved when Thor came to visit.  
"So, what do you need me to do, Cap? This seems like a simple mission. Knock the guy out, and drag him back to SHIELD."  
Steve frowned, "That's what they thought, so they only sent in two agents at first, but apparently, whatever this guy is doing is pretty big, because he's got major security. I need you to break through the firewall and get us in."  
"Is there anyone else in there?"  
"A few people have been seen going in and out bringing supplies." Bucky answered.  
"We're here."Natasha announced, "I'll be waiting at the rendezvous point, and I'll help you navigate the bunker through the comms."  
I strapped my rifle to my back, and my pistol to the Han Solo style holster on my leg. Bucky, Steve, and I got out of the quintet. I was instantly bit by the cool air of the forest. There was only a little snow on the ground, but it was freezing.  
"I'll be waiting at the rendezvous point." Natasha told us through the comm links. Steve led Bucky and I through the dense forest, until we reached a small clearing. Not really, a clearing, however, as the massive pine trees still created a thick canopy, which only let subtle rays of silver moonlight pass through. In the center of the clearing, was a 10 by 10 foot structure of solid concrete. On one side of the structure was the door, which looked to be steel. We definitely weren't getting in by our own strength. Steve gave us the signal to follow him. Before he noticed the camera on top of the structure. It moved like the head of a snake, and was probably motion detective. Before it could spot us, I quickly picked up a rock and threw it in the opposite direction. Steve, Bucky, and I, crept around to the door, and hopefully, into a blind spot. I located the keypad that I could hopefully gain access from. "This bug should shut down the keypad long enough for us get in." I said, pulling a microscopic computer chip from my belt. I pried off the front of the keypad and connected the bug to the inner wiring. After a few seconds the steel door opened, and we rushed inside. We stood at the top of a spiral staircase, leading down into a hallway. "Nat, can you do a thermal scan of the bunker to help us find Anderson." Steve asked into his comm. "Yes, but I have to fly the jet directly over the bunker." came the somewhat static reply. The concrete was probably blocking the signal.  
"I'll need to find where the main network of the security system is in order to get us out." I said. "I'll go with you." Bucky volunteered. "No, go with Steve. He might need backup." I insisted.  
Bucky opened his mouth to argue but Natasha interrupted us through the comms. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is Anderson isn't far from your location, but the bad news is he's not alone. There's got to be at least fifteen other people in there."  
Bucky looked at me, "I'm going with you." he said.  
"No, you're not. I can do this by myself." and with that , I was already descending the staircase. "Alright Nat, tell me where to go." I whispered.  
"Go right, then left, it's the third door down that hallway."  
I silently followed her instructions, going down the dimly lit hallway of the bunker. I heard voices coming my way. They definitely weren't Steve and Bucky. I quickly ducked into a corner and held my breath. By some miracle, they didn't see me. I easily found the control room. There were massive screens showing every corner of the bunker, including two guards investigating the entrance we had come through. I broke through the firewall and disabled the security. Then I saw Steve and Bucky on the screens, in pursuit of Anderson, who was quickly running to the exit with a metal briefcase tucked against his chest. The guards at the entrance just realized their leader was nowhere to be found and went frantically searching for him. I noticed I could reach Anderson much faster than Steve and Bucky. I grabbed my pistol from my belt, and took off towards Anderson. As I was jogging down the hallway, I heard static through my comm, tapping the device in my ear, I said "Nat? Steve?" More static. "I'm almost out, over."  
It was just then I saw Anderson in front of me, and two of his thugs behind me. I swiftly turned and fired my pistol. I hit one of the guys in the knee, but the other was still advancing. I quickly kicked the briefcase out of Anderson's hands, before he could escape. His thug attacked me from behind. I twisted from his grip using the move Nat had taught me, and dove for the briefcase, dropping my pistol in the process. My opponent struck again, but this time I used the case to block his punch, which I'm fairly certain broke his hand. Anderson was now shouting a slur of really nasty Norse words. His guard tried to punch me with his left hand, but I blocked it. I was getting a bit clumsy trying to hold onto the briefcase while blocking punches. I tried to run, but Anderson blocked me, grabbing my wrist to try and force me to drop the briefcase. He almost succeeded as his hand was digging into my fresh cuts. While I was momentarily distracted by my pain, his thug came at me full force, and knocked me against the concrete wall of the bunker. 

My head was the first thing to hit the wall. I tried to get up and defend myself, but I began swaying. He easily knocked me down again. Anderson stood over me, and kicked my ribs, causing me to let out a cry of pain. I heard him laughing, but it sounded distant and echoey. “Pathetic... " he said, giving me a sick, twisted grin. It didn't stay long though. It was knocked out by a metal fist. 

 

…

 

Bucky's POV

Steve and I were in hot pursuit of Anderson, when we heard a scream coming from around the corner, and there was no way it was Anderson's. I ran to investigate; Steve following right behind me. I saw Ana on the ground with that sick bastard kicking her, trying to get her to release his briefcase. I felt an anger I hadn't felt in a long time. Not since Hydra. However, I knew exactly why I was angry and what I was doing. I ran full speed at Anderson and let my left arm hit his cheek with all the strength I had. I could have stopped with that, but I was so angry. I took out the guard in one hit as well. I kicked Anderson’s feet out from under him, then grabbed him by the collar, and hissed through gritted teeth, "You son of a bitch! Give me one reason not to kill you right now!."  
"Buck, don't worry about him right now." Steve said, bringing me back to earth. Still fuming, I looked back at him. He was kneeling on the ground next to Ana. She had a cut above her left eyebrow, and a very bruised, split lip. I released Anderson, letting him crumple to the floor, knowing I'd twisted his knee and he wasn't going anywhere. I dropped next to Ana, Steve waved his hand in front of her face to get her attention. "Anastasia, are you okay?"  
“M-my head hurtsss.” she slurred. Steve held up three fingers in front of her asking, "Ana, how many fingers am I holding up?"  
Ana blinked a few times, as if trying to focus. "I don't know. Stop moving your hand."  
"Shit." Steve cursed quietly to himself, "Bucky, you have to get her out of here. I'll take care of Anderson."  
“Nat, where are you?” I said, hoping the comm would pick up. The reply I got was mostly static, but I was able to make out ‘quinjet’, ‘bunker’, and ‘backup’. I nodded, gently moving to pick Ana up bridal style. I noticed her wince as I put my flesh hand under her shoulders. “It’s alright. It’s going to be okay.” I told her, as I picked her up to carry her to safety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, I may go back through this story and make small changes and edits. Nothing that important to the plot will change, but I'm thinking about making the story a little more AoU/CW compliant (i.e. changing JARVIS to Friday). If you like things the way they are, or noticed something that should be updated or changed, please leave a comment :)


	7. Interrogation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been way too long! I apologize for taking so long but I just couldn't seem to find the time to write. Also, I was having a lot of trouble deciding how this chapter should go. Anyway, It is very late where I live but I really wanted to post this now because I am leaving for California in a couple of hours. It's probably got a lot of little mistakes, but at least it's up now! And Thor is in it! I apologize in advance if he seems a little ooc, I've never really written him before. I will try to update more frequently in the future. The holidays are coming up and usually around Thanksgiving and Christmas is when inspiration hits me the hardest, so you can expect a lot of updates soon.

Chapter 7

Bucky's POV

As I emerged from the bunker with Ana in my arms, I rushed on board the quinjet Natasha had landed in the clearing. I noticed she'd called in another SHIELD team to help with the cleanup of Anderson's minions. 

"What happened?! Why didn't you tell me she was injured?" Natasha demanded as I put Ana down on a bench, "I could have had a medical team here already."

"It's probably a concussion. The comms didn't have good signal underground. But that doesn't matter; we need to get her medical attention as soon as possible." I said, probably a little more coldly than I intended. The jet shifted as we took off. It was just then I noticed Steve had boarded when he appeared next to us with an ice pack. Ana gratefully accepted it, holding it to the side of her head. She was pretty out of it, starting to doze off. I quickly snapped my fingers in front of her face, causing her to jolt awake and glare at me. "You have to stay awake, Ana." 

Steve and I both tried to keep Ana awake by talking to her. "Were you hurt anywhere else?" Steve asked. She told us her ribs hurt from being kicked. I noticed her knuckles were also bruised and bloody. I wrapped them with a bandage as gently as I could. Most of the rest of the flight we were able to keep her awake, but soon with the pain in her head, accompanied with the energy drain from the mission, she was exhausted. I turned away for a few seconds and she had slumped over with her eyes closed. I gently shook her awake, as I knew her head was hurting. I felt bad, but I couldn't let her fall asleep just yet. "Stop it, Bucky." she snapped at me. "I'm sorry, doll, but you can't fall asleep." I told her. Natasha overheard us, and tried to reassure Ana. "Just a little longer, we're almost to the base." she said.

"Why can't we just go to the tower?" she whined. 

"Because you've had head trauma and you need to get a concussion test, and possibly a CT scan." Natasha explained. I knew what all of that meant, unfortunately. Between Steve before the war and Steve after SHIELD, I've spent a lot more time in a hospital waiting room than I care to. 

"I know it's a concussion," Ana said. "Trust me, I've had worse."

I didn't get the chance to respond before the jet landed. I picked Ana up, much to her dismay; because she she doesn't need a pouty-faced, puppy-eyed super soldier to carry her around--at least that's what she told me. I carried her straight to the medical wing where we sat down in some awful plastic chairs and waited forever because not even SHIELD can make emergency room visits short and convenient. Ana spent most of the wait with her face buried in my shoulder, complaining about the lights making her pain worse, and how she hated hospitals and we could have avoided all this by going straight home.  
"And you know what elssse?" She said. Her words were still slurred, and her movements were still slow; she probably didn't realize it, though.  
"What, doll?"  
"I lost a perfectly good gun on that mission!"  
I bit my lip to stop myself from laughing at that, "Well, I'm sure you can get another one." I consoled.  
"You don't understand, Bucky. That was one of my favorite pistols!"

After a while, Ana was taken away, and Steve, Natasha, and I were left in the plastic stools of death to wait for a verdict on Ana's condition. Natasha called someone back at the tower to inform them where we were and why we were here. I was focusing intently on my shoes and the floor and trying not to worry about Ana. Steve patted my shoulder comfortingly. "Don't worry, Bucky, Ana's tough. She's recovered from plenty of missions in the past."  
"I know, but I can't help but feel like this was my fault. We were supposed to carry this mission, and Ana got hurt."  
"Don't beat yourself up. This has happened to all of us at least once, so don't worry."  
I nodded, knowing Steve was right. I was focusing on not worrying when I heard my name. I snapped my head up to see it was one of the doctors. 

"Yes?" I said, standing up with shaky hands, fearing some terrible news.

 

"Agent Barnes, would you accompany me to the exam room?" she requested. I nodded and followed, to nervous to ask any questions.

 

…

 

Ana's POV

 

I sat on the exam table, swinging my legs nervously, waiting for the doctor to come back. I hate hospitals, and doctors; it's just another place where you have to be really careful to hide scars. One wrong move and you wind up in the psych ward. I jumped when the door opened, revealing the doctor and Bucky. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding when I saw him. He must have noticed I was on edge because he came and stood next to me.  
"So, Agent Barnes, " the doctor started, "The CT scans showed no sign of bleeding or bruising, however, she does have a moderate concussion." Bucky nodded silently.  
"I would rather Anastasia stay overnight for observation, but I can release her into your custody under the condition she will be closely monitored for the next few days."

"Why my custody?"

"She needs someone to watch her until she can be cleared for active field duty again, and you are listed as her emergency contact."

"I am?" Bucky looked a little confused, but also kind of happy. Of course he was my emergency contact, my parents haven't really been a part of my life for awhile. Bucky is my best friend, so it made sense to make him the one to call. However, I didn't think the responsibility would inhibit his ability to speak. I tried to move the conversation on, while Bucky stood there, still a little shocked.

"So… When can I get cleared?"

"In a week." the doctor answered, "If you're not completely recovered by then, we'll wait another week."

"A week?!" I shouted. My head was throbbing furiously but I didn't care. Bucky cut in, now taking his role as emergency contact very seriously. "It's standard procedure, doll. You need enough time to rest and heal before you go out in the field again."

The doctor nodded, "I'm not giving you a prescription as your condition isn't too severe. Over the counter painkillers should work just fine." SHe turned to Bucky, " And I'm assuming you know the proper protocol for concussion patients?"  
Bucky nodded.  
"I see you'll be in good hands." the doctor said with a smile, "If your symptoms worsen please come back immediately." She instructed, finally leaving to get paperwork and such so I could finally go home. Two seconds after she left, Bucky spit out the question he'd been holding in the whole time the doctor had been talking.

"I'm your emergency contact?"

It hurt to laugh, but I giggled nonetheless at his expression. "Yeah, after you it's Steve, then Nat."

"Oh," Bucky said, "Well, why not your parents?" I shrugged, "They live kinda far away" I said, hoping he would drop it. Mostly because it wasn't entirely true. My parents lived upstate, but there were other reasons for not adding them to my emergency contact list. Bucky got the hint, and didn't pry any further, but I saw the question still on his expression.

 

…

 

After we got the paperwork, and Bucky received strict instructions not to leave me alone, we were finally headed back to the tower. It was just barely dawn when we arrived, and the sun was only giving the faintest light from behind the skyline. I trudged to my room, falling onto my pillow and instantly fell asleep, with most of my gear on. In a weird hazy state between awake and asleep, I felt someone pull my boots off and cover me with a blanket.

An hour later, I was being shaken awake by Bucky who'd come to check on me. He did what the doctor told him and asked the stupid questions like 'where are you?', 'who are you?', and 'who am I?'. After doing this twice more, I was getting really annoyed at not being able to sleep. The next time he woke me up I snapped at him.

"I'm Anastasia Marie Grace Colette. You are James Buchanan Barnes. We are both currently in Stark Tower, now will you please leave me alone!" 

"Calm down, doll, I just wanted to know if you wanted some breakfast?"

I hadn't meant to snap but I was still so tired. I nodded, "Sorry." I mumbled. "It's alright." Bucky said, "I know you didn't mean it. I'll be downstairs."  
I rubbed my eyes, feeling the throbbing pain still in my lip and above my left eyebrow. I stumbled to my bathroom, where I showered and changed into some more comfortable clothes. Then I went down to the main floor, which gave off a heavenly aroma of bacon and pancakes. Unfortunately, my headache didn't think the smells were too great. The lights in the kitchen didn't help either. I trudged to the medicine cabinet, where we normally keep at least one of every kind of drug, hoping to find some pain killers. I found allergy medicine, cold and flu, a very colorful and diverse collection of band-aids (Tony's doing, probably), then noticed the Tylenol was on the top shelf. I grumbled under my breath to myself.  
"Need some help?" Steve asked with a smirk, easily grabbing the bottle for me. I took off the cap and popped two pills into my mouth.  
"Thanks." I said, my head hurting too much to care about Steve finding my height--or more appropriately, lack thereof--amusing.  
"No problem. So, apparently that briefcase you saved had a piece of some old Asgardian weapon in it. SHIELD says it's exhibiting properties that seem… magical, to say the least, and the bunker was full of even more artifacts." he said, flipping a pancake.  
"Did they ever find out if the guy was Hydra?"  
"We think he may be connected in some way. We're trying to do background checks on all the guys we found in the bunker."  
"When will Thor get here?" I asked.  
"Soon, we hope." Bucky, who had been at the counter reading the reports on the mission, told me.  
At that moment, Clint and Natasha entered the kitchen. Natasha was still in her gear from the night before, while Clint was in a pair of flannel pajamas.  
"Wow, you look terrible." Clint blurted out.  
"Thanks." I replied dryly, grabbing a plate for my pancakes.

I ate in silence, while the others discussed the mission. Tony and Bruce joined eventually, but both were too busy going over the analysis of the artifact to contribute to any conversation. I sat quietly, thinking about the mission. I had got the briefcase, but I had been so easily knocked down. I felt stupid for it, and started to blame myself. I caused so much trouble for the team. I was poking at my breakfast with my fork, telling myself how useless and awful I was, when I heard a clap of thunder.

I jumped from my seat. Not because the thunder had scared me, but because I knew exactly what it meant.  
"Thor's here!" I exclaimed. I was proven correct when the thunder instantly stopped, and the god himself stepped out of the elevator.  
"Greetings my friends." he said.  
"Hey, big guy," Tony said, putting hand on Thor's massive shoulder, "I didn't think you'd be coming here yourself to sort this out.

"Thor!" I beamed. "Anastasia!" He grinned back and squeezed me into a hug, which actually hurt quite a lot, with my ribs being bruised and all, but I endured it because I missed him so much. He released me, observing my injuries, "I see you've been on a mission recently. You appear as though you've tangled with a bilgesnipe."  
"Thanks." I blushed, knowing it was actually a compliment.  
"Thor," Steve said cordially, "Always a pleasure. I hope this visit doesn't bring bad news."  
"Not to worry, Steve. Things on Asgard are very well, too well, almost. I feel as though I have no purpose there right now. When I heard their was a battle here I decided to come and assist on earth."  
After Thor was done greeting the others, he was discussing what he knew about the piece with Tony and Bruce. He confirmed it was indeed magical, although with just a fragment, he could not tell what it was. Only that it appeared to be a weapon of some kind. Finally Natasha announced she was going to SHIELD headquarters to interrogate Anderson.  
"I would be interested in accompanying you." Thor said.  
"I want to go too." I said.  
Everyone's eyes landed on me. "Are you sure?" Steve was asking.  
"Why shouldn't I?"I asked, crossing my arms.  
"Well, for one, "Bucky said, "You've got a concussion and shouldn't be working, and two, this guy knocked you out. Why would you ever want to see his face again?"  
"This is a mission I was a part of, and I intend to see it through."  
"Anastasia is brave, she won't let a few cuts and bruises stop her." Thor said on my behalf.  
"Ana, are you sure you can handle this?"  
"Of course I can, Bucky. I'm fine."

 

…

 

Bucky's POV

We were watching Nat interrogate Anderson through the one-way glass dividing the interrogation room and the observation room. She was just as fierce in an interrogation as on the field. Cunning, quick, and agile; she knows exactly where to put her words and how to say them to draw out an answer. This situation was no different. She'd started by asking basic questions he couldn't lie about. His name, birthday, eye color, etc. Establishing a baseline so she could recognize when he is telling the truth versus lying. Then she went into confrontation. Telling him the facts we knew, trying to get him to confess.  
"Dr. Anderson, we have evidence you have kept illegal artifacts hidden in your private bunker for recreational use. We also have evidence linking you to the terrorist group Hydra." She said casually. Knowing the confrontation itself wouldn't be enough to make him crack.  
"The only way you know this is from trespassing!" Anderson growled in a light german accent. He looked terrible, with a black eye and a twisted knee. He deserved it though, for attacking Ana.  
"You had no right to be on my property." He snarled.  
"My people have a right to investigate suspicious activity." Natasha said calmly, "However, assault and battery are illegal regardless, and have numerous possible penalties." Now she was using the scare tactic. Make the interviewee think they are already facing charges so they cooperate to get out of them.  
Anderson gave a smirk. His dark eyes went cold, "Are you referring to the girl who tried to take on my men by herself? She's much more of a criminal than I am. And so are you." he spat.  
I saw Ana look down at the floor, I couldn't see her face very well, but I knew she was upset.  
I almost noticed a hint of anger on Natasha's face as well, but she moved on without missing a beat. This was her job after all.  
"Why don't you tell me what makes you say that?" She asked, sitting down in the chair across from him. She was bringing herself to his level, and asking for his side of the story. It was her way of making him feel control. If he felt as though he controlled the conversation, the answers would come soon enough.  
"I know who you are, Black Widow." Anderson glared, "And I remember the other girl from Hydra… " he said.  
I stole another glance at Ana. Her face was ghost white, and her hands were balled into fists. She must have recognized him too.  
"What was it they called her? I can't remember. All I know is she left before her mission was complete. Our leader was not happy about that." He chuckled.  
Ana was shaking now. I took her hand, squeezing it to bring her back to reality. "Do you want to go?" She shook her head.  
"However, " Anderson continued, "WIth what we have now Hydra will no longer need soldiers and spies."  
"You make it sound as though you possess magic?" Natasha said.  
"Magic is not the correct word. I think power is right." Anderson face changed. It almost resembled a kid on Christmas morning. Thor and Steve were listening intently to my right. While to my left, Ana was still trying to calm herself.  
"How would you obtain such power?"  
"It is not mine… " Anderson said bitterly. Natasha smirked. That meant she'd found a weakness. From what Anderson said, it sounded as though he was only holding the piece for someone else. Someone he envied.  
"Well, surely a man as wealthy and successful as you should know how to obtain the power of other worlds."  
"I do, I am the only one familiar with the true potential of Valkyrie swords." 

They had two missing pieces of the puzzle now. What the artifact was and that Anderson was Hydra. All they needed to know now was who the sword was really to be wielded by. 

"Who could put such great power to a proper purpose?" Natasha asked.  
"Certainly not SHIELD. Which is why I wish to have my briefcase back and to be sent back home!"  
"Well, Dr. Anderson, I'm afraid we still have more to discuss." Natasha replied, "Like, who is it exactly, you are working for?" She stood up and placed her palms on the table. A power stance. She was getting serious now.  
"Why don't you ask the girl who tried to rob me!"  
"Who is your leader?" Natasha inquired again, this time in a much lower tone.  
Anderson narrowed his eyes, which translated to 'I'm not talking'.  
"Then I suggest you get comfortable. You could be here a while."  
"Hydra will not let you bully me! They will find me and destroy you all! If you don't release me, they'll take hostages and harm civilians!" Anderson shouted, going red in the face.  
"I think you'll actually find that Hydra has no concern for associates who can't keep their mouths shut." Natasha said cooly.  
I saw Ana was again going pale, and now she was crying. I decided enough was enough. I took her hand and led her out of the room. When we were finally in the hallway, she broke down. "Bucky we have to stop them! This is all my fault!" she cried.  
"Shh, Ana, no. This isn't your fault at all. Why would you say that?" I pulled her against my chest.  
"I helped Hydra! I helped them get that piece! That's how Anderson recognized me! Now that SHIELD has it they'll hurt innocent people to get it back!"  
"Ana, we won't let that happen." I told her, stroking her hair and trying to calm her. But honestly I was so scared myself. I'd never seen her like this before. I knew there were probably many reasons for her to be scared right now. The concussion, lack of sleep, and the memories of her old life coming back to haunt her. I knew I should have made her stay home.  
"Deep breaths, Ana." I told her, worried she'd start hyperventilating if she kept crying like this. I noticed Steve and Thor coming around the corner. Thor was baffled by the sight in front of him. As I said before, Ana is not usually ever this emotional at work. I motioned for Steve to take Thor somewhere else. Which he did quickly and discreetly. Now I had to focus on Ana.  
"Hey, doll, what do you say we get out of here?" I offered. "But what if we're needed here?" She protested.  
"They'll be fine. Nat's got this one covered." I said, taking off my jacket and wrapping it around her shoulders, "Now, I think I know exactly where we should go."  
She gave me a questioning look, and I took her hand and led her out of the facility.

 

…

 

3rd person POV

 

Thor silently followed Steve back into the observation room, however, neither of them were showing much interest in what was happening on the other side of the glass anymore. Thor cleared his throat somewhat awkwardly. "Is Anastasia alright? I've noticed she seems upset."  
"Well, no, she's not exactly alright." Steve said.  
"What is troubling her?" Thor asked.  
Steve sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, "Well, Bucky and I recently found out about.. something. We didn't really know what to make of it at first. Anyway… we found out she's been… cutting herself." He stuttered.  
Thor gazed through the window of the interrogation room, although he wasn't focused on anything. He just stared straight ahead, leaving Steve in a long, awkward silence. Steve interrupted it with his input, "I wasn't really sure what to make of it. I just couldn't believe she'd do such a thing to herself."  
Thor gave the slightest nod, "It is not unheard of, even on Asgard, to do such a thing." He looked at Steve now, his expression solemn.  
"I know several warriors who have done so, a few have taken their own lives. Seeing battle… killing… it changes people. I do not doubt Anastasia has seen a lot of war and chaos in her time. Still, it is so unfortunate to hear she is harming herself."  
"Bucky and I are trying to help her. I'm just not sure we know what we're doing."  
"But you are trying," Thor said with a small smile, "and that is all that matters."  
Steve was surprised at Thor's reaction. He'd been very calm and rational about the concept as a whole. This was probably why he was meant to be king of Asgard someday.  
"Tony recommended therapy for her, but Bucky doesn't think it's a good idea."  
"I noticed Bucky has become very protective of Anastasia lately."  
"Yes, he has. I know he only wants the best for her."  
"If there is anything I can do," Thor said, "Please tell me."  
"Thank you, Thor." Steve said, "You are a very good friend, to me and Ana."  
Thor nodded, "Sometimes friends are all we have."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few quick notes on the chapter:  
> I am not a doctor and therefore may have made medical inaccuracies in this chapter. My only assistance was google.
> 
> I have little to no knowledge of Asgardian artifacts (only things I know from Marvel and Magnus Chase), and am mostly using my imagination. I am not trying to be accurate to any specific Norse myth or Marvel comic book.
> 
> I do have these chapters proofread, but sometimes, little things still slip past me. If you see any mistake, please feel free to let me know so I can fix it. I always appreciate constructive criticism.


	8. Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter took so long. The holidays got really, really busy for me, and I was kinda sick last week so I couldn't work on the story. But, better late than never, right? Anyway, this chapter will have a bonding moment between Ana and Bucky that will really affect the story for the next few chapters. There will also be some more action soon, and very likely more of Thor, Tony, and Nat.

Chapter 8

Ana’s POV

 

Bucky had my left hand in his right as he led me through the hallways. My grip must have felt like a python wrapped around his hand. He led me out through the lobby, never once letting go.  
“Do you want to go home?” He asked when we reached the street.  
“No. Not really.”  
“Are you okay to go out right now?” Bucky knew I didn’t like crowd that much, and I knew he would still be a mama bear because of my concussion, but right now, I really wanted to go somewhere to clear my head. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I told him.  
“Alright, “ he said, giving me his signature grin, “follow me then.”  
We left the facility, which is next to the United Nations Building, kind of. There is a building next to the UN, but it’s mostly offices and conference rooms (medical is there too). Most of the actual Shield agents either live on the helicarrier, or in the East River. Yes, I said in it. SHIELD’s new interrogation rooms, weapons vaults, and R&D offices are located in a secret facility completely submerged in the East River. It’s where the avengers most often report to because flying up to the helicarrier every time you need to turn in paperwork is extremely annoying.  
Bucky led me to the subway station, where we boarded a train.  
“So, where do you want to go?” Bucky asked.  
“I don’t know.”  
“We’ll go anywhere you want: The Park, the library, that bakery in Greenwich Village you like so much?”  
“How about Books and Brew?” I suggested. It was this little coffee shop/rare book store that I adored. I've only taken Bucky there once before, because it's usually where I go to be alone.  
“Absolutely.” he replied.

After we arrived at the bookstore, Bucky and I ordered coffee, (two double shot lattes with no foam) and sat in a small booth by the window. The shop itself wasn’t very big. There was a curved wooden staircase leading to a loft above the rest of the store, which harbored several cases of books, mostly the classics and some of the rarer titles. The thick scent of coffee and aged paper combined into a perfect aroma that could never be found in any other place on earth. I quietly sipped my coffee, while tugging on the sleeve of my grey jacket.  
“I should have made you get decaf.” I heard Bucky mumble.  
“I think you should quit acting like you’re my mom, I’m not like Steve. He told me you were super overprotective back then.”  
“Well, you’re about the same size he was.”  
“But I’m a lot tougher.”  
“I’ll give you that, but you’re just as reckless sometimes.”  
“I am not.” I pouted.  
“Says the girl with the split lip and the concussion.” Bucky retorted.  
I glared at him.  
Bucky sighed, “Look, doll, I know you’re strong enough to hold your own, but as your best friend, I reserve the right to worry about you. Especially today… what happened back there at headquarters?”  
I tugged harder on my sleeve. “I don’t know, it’s just… I know what Hydra is capable of, and I don’t want them hurting anyone else.”  
“I know that, doll, but I’m talking about what happened when Anderson recognized you. What did he mean?”  
My jaw tightened at the mention of Anderson, “I was assigned a mission that was not carried out, because I left.”  
“Ana, I hate to ask, but… do you know who we should be looking for?”  
I grit my teeth, “Yes.” I said, trying to keep my voice from cracking, which would give away the fear I was trying so hard to hide.  
“Have you known this whole time?” Bucky asked incredulously.  
“I had my suspicions.” I admitted, looking over my shoulder, “It’s just… I don’t want to talk about it.” I said.  
“But this has to do with a mission. You can’t keep things like this to yourself.” Bucky said seriously.  
“I can’t just give you information like this right out in the open!“ I gestured to the room around us, “If I did I could get a lot of people hurt.”  
“You keep saying that, but I don’t know who you’re afraid for. You’re so worried about other people getting hurt that you don’t think about yourself,” I saw his gaze move to my wrists, “I know I’ve never asked you about this before, but what happened to you when you worked for Hydra?”  
I nearly panicked. It had been so long since I had told anyone, Natasha specifically. She had coaxed me to tell her about some of the dark parts of my history. She in turn had told me some things about the Red Room and told me I wasn’t alone.  
“I can’t tell you, Bucky. You’ll never see me the same way again.”  
Bucky’s eyes softened with understanding, “I know you probably feel guilty, but I would never judge you for whatever you did there. I don’t see why you won’t tell me about this? Or tell me why you cut? I’m your best friend Ana, and you still keep so much from me!”  
“It’s not about what I did, it’s about what I didn’t do! And I never wanted you to find out that I cut at all, let alone why! But you and Steve just couldn’t leave me alone!” I exclaimed, feeling my throat get tight, meaning I might start to cry. Bucky tried to take my hand but I jerked it away. I took some deep breaths, in an attempt to calm myself. I knew Bucky was only trying to help me, and he was being completely sincere when he said he wouldn’t judge me, but I wasn’t ready to tell him about my life before we met.  
“Can we talk about something else now?” I asked.  
“Umm, Sure,” Bucky said awkwardly, “Steve says Wanda and Scott are coming back to the tower to stay for a while. Tony’s insisting we have a party because Thor’s here too.”  
“That’s nice.” I said. Truthfully, I would be happy to see Wanda. We were very close, being the youngest two on the team. She was often at the compound, to train with Sharon or Agent Hill, and sometimes she visited Asgard to practice her magic in a place where she could be safe and receive proper instruction. She was normally only in the tower for a few weeks at a time. Scott technically lived with the avengers, but he always made so many trips to visit his daughter that he wasn’t often there.  
Bucky and I strained to make casual discussion as we finished our coffees, but neither of us really had words to say anymore. 

 

BUCKY'S POV

After Ana and I had finished our coffee, we took the subway back to the tower. The ride was quiet, and a bit awkward. There was a sort of tension I'd never felt with Ana before. I knew I shouldn’t have pushed her to answer questions about her past, and I had regretted it as soon as the words left my mouth. But I worry about Ana. I want her to stop hurting herself, but I also want her to be happy. I want to look into her eyes without a dark, wild, abyss of fear staring back at me. I wanted to see her smile more, and hear her cheerful, genuine laugh more often. When we arrived at the tower, the team was gathered on the main floor again for a reunion dinner. Wanda and Ana were preoccupied with catching up. Every one else was working on clearing dishes or getting ice cream out of the freezer, while I watched Ana from the kitchen island. The way she was talking with Wanda in that moment, she was smiling, but her eyes were sunken in and dull, and she cradled her arms against her stomach. The past two days had really caught up with her. I tried to give Ana her privacy while she talked, but my eyes kept slipping in her direction. I was finally cut off by Sam.  
“You alright?” he asked, glancing between Ana and me.  
“‘M fine.” I snapped, not wanting Sam or any other avenger who didn’t already know what was going on prying into mine or Ana’s business.

“Did you two have a fight?”  
“Not exactly.” I mumbled.  
“I don’t mean to pry or anything, but I’ve noticed both of you seem off tonight.” he said, crossing his arms.  
“It’s been a long day.”  
“Listen, man, whatever’s going on between you two, just be careful. I think you and I both know she’s probably going through a lot right now, maybe something more difficult than you or I could understand.”  
“Yeah,” I admitted, “She sure is, but I didn’t make it better.”  
Sam nodded like he understood. “So it’s your fault?”  
“Yes, I said something stupid and now she’s upset.” I said, pouring myself a drink.  
“Are you going to apologize?” Sam asked.  
“I don’t think she wants to talk to me at all right now.” I said, looking at my now empty glass.  
Sam looked at me with sympathy, “You know, I think she actually wants to talk to you more than you know. Go apologize, and don’t make excuses. Girls don’t like that.”

 

Ana spent the rest of the night laughing and talking with everyone else. If she felt any pain from her concussion, she didn’t show it. As everyone left the main floor, I followed to her apartment. “What are you doing?” she asked me.  
“I know you’re mad at me right now, but I’m still supposed to watch you so you don’t slip into a coma while you sleep, remember?”  
Sasha huffed, “Fine. But you get the couch.”  
I rolled my eyes, I would have had to take the couch anyway, as she didn’t have a guest bedroom. I watched Ana stumble into her apartment, she swayed slightly, leaning against the doorpost for a moment.  
“Do you need more tylenol?” I asked.  
“No.” she snapped as she trudged to her couch. I felt so awful, seeing her injured, and upset, and it was entirely my fault. I sighed as I sat on the couch next to her. I knew Sam was right, a sincere and honest apology was the only thing worth trying at this point.  
“Ana, I’m sorry about what I said earlier, all of it. It was wrong of me to ask about your past. I know I didn’t respect your privacy either by asking about your self-harm. I’m really sorry.”

Ana’s POV

Bucky was giving me the puppy dog eyes again. I couldn’t stay mad at him anyway; I knew he was only trying to help me earlier. I sighed, and moved closer to me on the couch, “It’s okay.” I mumbled, “I just don’t understand why you get so worried about me.” Bucky put his arms around me, and I leaned against his shoulder. Bucky tilted my chin towards him.  
“Ana, you should know by now I care very much about you. I can’t think of one person on our team who doesn’t. You’d have to be crazy to not want to be friends with a girl like you... honestly, I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you. We can’t-- I can’t lose you.” Bucky looked at me, my wrists, to be exact. His eyes were glassy, and his jaw clenched, like he was trying to fight off tears. His words jabbed at my heart like daggers. Had I really hurt the team this much? Was Bucky Barnes crying for me? I held his gaze with my own, fighting my own tears. Bucky took a deep breath and continued.  
“I know Steve was hard on you that first day, and I’ve tried to give you space, but Ana, I have to know-- Do you want to stop?”  
“I honestly don’t know,” I admitted, “I don’t want to hurt you or the team, but I don’t know how to stop. This is something I’ve struggled with for a long time, and even if I wanted to stop the urges will always be there. I can’t just snap my fingers and make it go away.”  
“I understand.” He said, and I knew he did. He’d had his own recovery, and though I only witnessed a small part of it, I still saw what it was like.  
“I know you don’t like to talk about it, and I respect that, but I think if you told someone why you cut…” He whispered, he didn’t like to say the word, “It might help.”  
I tugged on my sleeves, I wasn’t sure I could tell him. I wasn’t sure I could stop at all. It felt like he read my mind, because he almost immediately said, “Please, doll, I know you’re brave enough and strong enough to do it.” I thought for a moment longer, then I looked directly into his eyes and said,  
“I can’t promise I’ll never ever do it again, at least not right now, but… I promise I’ll try.” I rested against his shoulder, listening to the comforting sound of his rhythmic heartbeat as my lack of sleep for the previous days caught up to me all at once. I was close to letting sleep take me, so close I almost thought it was a dream, when I felt him kiss my forehead and whisper,  
"Thank you, doll. I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I take two months to update, and all I post is a filler chapter. I wanted to add more and really show more of Ana's background, but I guess that will have to wait one more chapter. Again, I am so sorry about how long it took me to post this. I wish I could say when the next chapter will be up, but unfortunately, my grades were not good at all last quarter and I really need to focus this quarter. However, my work schedule will be less crazy now that the holidays are over, so hopefully I will have more time to work on this story. I also want to thank everyone who has left kudos and comments; you really encourage me to write more and they really make my day better :)
> 
> Random Author Note: Books and Brew is not a real cafe (that I am aware of), however, I based it off of a real coffee shop/bookstore in Manhattan called Housing Works. It looked like a really cool place, and it has books, so of course Ana would love it!


	9. Can't Repeat the Past? Why, of Course You Can!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter explores Ana's past and her beginning with the Avengers. She and Bucky also try to figure out their relationship.

Chapter 9

 

“I can’t promise I’ll never ever do it again, at least not right now, but… I promise I’ll try.” Ana promised as she leaned against Bucky’s shoulder. Her breathing slowly evened out as she fell asleep. He thought she looked peaceful. He was proud of her decision, and could only hope that in keeping her promise she could look so peaceful all the time. He gently kissed her forehead.  
"Thank you, doll. I love you." He whispered. He watched her sleep for a few more minutes, before his own eyes began to feel heavy, and he dozed off himself.

Bucky was awoken hours later by the sound of the door opening. His eyes shot open, and were met with streaks of golden sunlight just starting to peek through the skyline. It was morning. Whoever had come in the door, was clearly not an burglar, as someone with malicious intent probably wouldn’t be taking their shoes off when they came in. Finally able to relax, he turned his head around to identify the intruder, being mindful not to wake Ana in doing so.  
He was greeted by Steve’s too-happy-for-how-early-it-is smile. “We brought you breakfast!” He chirped. “We? Who’s we?” Bucky grumbled. His question was answered a moment later when Sam, Natasha, and Scott rounded the corner to Ana’s living room.

“What are you all doing here?” Bucky asked, his voice still hoarse from sleep.

“See?” Scott said, “I told you people don’t like it when you just barge into their apartment without so much as a knock!”  
Scott’s exclamation earned a stir from Ana, but thankfully for Bucky, she didn’t wake up. Finally realizing the position he was in, Bucky’s cheeks flushed pink. “It was nice of you to bring us food… but, I think Ana might want a bit more sleep.”  
“Nonsense, Barnes, she’s almost always up by now.” Natasha said, striding towards the staircase, expecting Ana to be in her bedroom. As soon as she passed the couch, a smirk grew on her lips.  
“Well, didn’t you two have fun last night?”  
Hearing the comment, Sam rushed to the living room to see what had invoked such a statement. When he saw the sight before him, he too had a grin plastered on his face.  
Steve, being completely ignorant, abandoned the boxes of food on the counter to investigate the situation.  
“What is going on in her-- oh. I see.”  
“Yo, Scott, come look at this.” Sam whisper shouted. He didn’t want Ana to wake up either. HE was hoping to get pictures.  
“No thanks.” Scott said from the kitchen, “I don’t need to know. I think I’ll wait until I’m invited in there. Like a gentleman.” he said, grabbing a donut from the box of assorted pastries.  
All through the ordeal Bucky was blushing like a teenager being interrogated about his crush. To be honest that’s exactly how he felt.  
There he was with his cheeks burning while Ana, still in blissful sleep, lay quietly in his lap. Steve was trying so hard to suppress his own smile, as Bucky tried to stammer out an explanation.  
“We were just talking… “ He whisper-shouted, still not wanting to wake Ana, “It was late… and we got carried away.”  
“I’ll say you did.” Sam retorted.  
“Not like that!” Bucky exclaimed. The shout roused Ana from from her slumber. She sat up and stretched, before rubbing her eyes. Her hair was loose and wild, so she combed it out with her fingers. Then she noticed everyone staring at her. At first she didn’t know why, but when she looked down and saw last night’s clothes still on, realization struck her.  
“Oh… uh… hi.” she said awkwardly.  
“We brought pastries from the European bakery.” Nat said.  
“Thanks.” Ana said, standing up from the couch, “I’m really not that hungry, though. I think I’m going to go… change. Then I’ll go and... shoot something.”  
A few moments later, Ana was dressed in her training gear, taking off full speed in the direction of the SHIELD training centers.

Ana drove all the way into the SHIELD bunker. She parked quickly, and made her way to the shooting range. The other agents didn’t dare make any eye contact with her. Sher burst through the doors, and noticed no one else was there. Good. She wanted to be alone right now.  
Ana had had her .22 strapped to her thigh. She covered her ears with the noise cancelling headphones, and whisked it from its holster. She skillfully loaded the magazine, and clipped it into place. She fired in quick successions at the target until there was no more ammunition, at which point, she would reload and continue. The focus on her target was the only way to keep her mind from wandering to what Bucky had said last night. Whether he had meant it, or said it at all? To either question she had no answer. What she did remember for sure, was her promise to Bucky. She would try to heal, which is what brought her here. She would do no damage to herself today, she decided. She would take her anger out on the practice targets. And it worked, for a short time. Each pull of the trigger followed by the sharp “BANG” of the discharge helped pull her away from her frustrations. She shot with both hands, then her left, then her right. Every single bullet reached its mark.  
When Ana finally did tire of shooting, she removed the magazine clip, pulled the slide towards herself once more, this time turning the gun upside down to be sure there was no bullet in the ejection port. Something her brother had always taught her to do. She smiled to herself, and somehow this brought her back to her childhood

 _“Now remember, keep one hand under the grip to stabilize your aim.”_  
_“Like this?” Ana asked, cupping her right hand under her shooting hand._  
_“Exactly, now look straight down the barrel and line up the target, and when you're ready, pull the trigger.”_  
_Ana grit her teeth, and inhaled slowly. Following all of her brother’s instructions. She stood with her feet shoulder width apart. Taking a deep breath she pulled the slide towards her in one swift smooth motion. Exhaling, she extended her arms fully, cast her eyes straight down the barrel and pulled the trigger. Before she even registered it, there was a loud noise. It surprised her, but she didn’t let it scare her. She inhaled and lined up again, exhaled and pulled the trigger. She repeated this again, and again, and again, until she heard the telltale click._  
_She pointed the gun at the ground, like she had been told almost a hundred times, and turned to face her brother._  
_“How did I do?” she questioned, tugging on the hem of her T-shirt. Emerald eyes wide and eager._  
_Identical green eyes sparkled back at her. He was beaming._  
_“You’re a natural!” he exclaimed, “Look at that.” Ana turned and saw her target. At least half of the holes were in the middle. Ana set the gun down gently, before running to hug her brother._  
_“Thank you for teaching me! I love you so much.”_  
_“You’re welcome shortstack.” The tall boy said, wrapping his tanned arms around his much smaller sister, “I love you too.”_

Ana realized the reason she was probably so distressed about the previous night, is because her brother was undoubtedly the last person she’d ever said “I love you” to.

…

After Ana left, an awkward silence fell over the room. Sam had started to feel a bit guilty for teasing. Steve remained in the living room, ultimately perplexed but still amused by the entire situation. Natasha was the one to finally speak out.  
“Alright. You two out.” She instructed, pointing at the door, “I’m gonna talk to Barnes.”  
Steve and Sam left the room, too scared to argue, and Natasha seated herself on the couch.  
“Alright, James, spill it.” She ordered.  
Bucky sighed at her use of his given name. She wasn’t going to let it go.  
“Last night… “ He started, trailing off.  
Natasha raised and eyebrow and waved her hand in a circle, signalling for him to continue.  
Bucky sighed again, then continued, “You know I was supposed to stay with her because of the concussion?”  
Natasha nodded.  
“Well, we had an argument yesterday and last night we were talking about it and she just fell asleep. But last night I told her I... loved her.” he confessed, putting his head in his hands.  
“Did you mean it?” Natasha asked seriously.  
“Of course! But I don’t know why I just said it like that.”  
“What did she say?” Nat inquired.  
“She didn’t say anything, she was asleep. I don’t even know if she heard me.”  
Natasha swiftly smacked the back of his head. Bucky reached his arm back to rub the point of impact. “OW!” What was that for?”  
“James Buchanan Barnes, you’ve been crushing on this girl since the day you met her. You finally get the courage to tell her and she’s asleep?” Natasha scolded sternly.  
Bucky, still massaging his scalp, replied with, “I know. I’m an idiot.”  
“You need to tell her again.” Natasha said.

 

…

 

When Ana arrived back at Stark Tower, she debated returning to her apartment. As much as she wanted to just sit in her room with a book and a huge cup of tea, she didn’t want to run into Bucky. She stood in the motionless elevator, contemplating her other options. She wouldn’t go to the main floor, as there was still a high chance of seeing Bucky. She decided to go to the one place Bucky all but refused to enter. The lab. As she approached, she realized she wasn’t the only one with the idea. Through the glass panes that served as walls, she could see Tony, Bruce, and Thor hunched over a computer display. She sighed as she swiped her hand over the padlock. The glass doors swung open and allowed her inside.  
The three men spun around to see who’d entered. Seeing me, Tony all but jumped out of his chair.  
“Stasia! Thank god you’re here. We need you to enlighten us.”  
“On what?” she said, shrugging out of her army jacket.  
“Tony thinks he’s located a Hydra base here in New York we never knew about.” Bruce explained, “He wants to know if you can help identify it.”  
“You know I wasn’t really in with the hydra crowd, right? They told me what job they wanted done and I did it.”  
“Can you please just try Stasia?” Tony begged.  
Ana rolled her eyes, and zoomed in on the holographic screen. Her eyes widened in horror. Is that Sweden?“  
“Yes, Stockholm, specifically.” Tony said, “We were trying to find any messages about swords, valkyries, or Norse myths in general. This is the only place where the messages are so frequent. We decrypted the firewall, to find out what other messages were being sent, and well, we were able to obtain two words.”  
“Hail Hydra.” She read, “Any idea where the messages are being sent to?”  
“Nowhere in the city, that’s certain. It must be going overseas.”  
“We’ve asked SHIELD to try and track the signal, but that could take some time.” Bruce said, “Do you have any clue where it’s going?”  
Ana shook her head. It was an honest answer. She never did know much about the location of Hydra bases. She was only a weapon for them.  
“Ana, if you know anything that could help us, please tell. People could be in grave danger if the threat is this close.” Thor spoke in a calm even tone.  
Ana sighed. She had been hoping it wouldn’t come to this.  
“The piece Anderson has, I think I stole it.” she confessed  
“Where exactly did you return it?” Bruce asked.  
“I met a contact who took it from me, gave me my payment, and left. That’s all I know.”  
Tony rubbed his temples, “Would Barnes be able to help us with this? He may know a little more about what they’re trying to do.”  
Ana shifted uncomfortably. Tony picked up on it instantly.  
“What’s the matter Stasia? You and Barnes having issues?”  
“I think we’ve got bigger problems on our hands right now, Tony.” Ana snapped.  
“That’s very true,” Bruce agreed, “So could you ask Bucky to come look at these decryptions? Unless that’s a problem?”  
Ana rolled her eyes. “Yes, I’ll get Bucky. Because I’m a professional.” she declared with a pointed look in Tony’s direction as she sauntered out.

 

…

 

Ana stormed up the stairs to the roof, where Jarvis had told her Bucky was. She was not ready to face Bucky but told herself feelings would just have to wait. She felt the crisp fall air bite at her cheeks. Bucky had his hair tied back, and stood staring out at the horizon, his gaze unbreaking. The late afternoon sun began to turn the sky to warm shades of pink and orange. It was a spectacular view, no doubt, but not one Ana particularly wanted to see at this moment. While she was trying to do her job and at the same time try to process the thoughts tumbling around in her mind. Bucky turned around, and smiled at Ana.  
Ana related the issues Tony had mentioned, while Bucky listened intently. He had tried to forget Hydra completely, until Natasha convinced him some of the memories he had could be valuable in defeating them. Unfortunately, he didn’t know much about the link to Asgardian artifacts.

“I only know they’re up to no good. But didn’t you say you helped them get that piece?”

Ana sighed, “I did,” she confessed, “but I didn’t know what it was.”

“I understand, but it sounds like we need more information.”

“What did Natasha get out of Anderson after I left the interview?” she asked.

“I don’t know, she hasn’t told me yet.” Bucky answered.

“I’ll call Steve and ask him to call a strategy meeting.” Ana announced as she started to get up. Bucky decided he couldn’t go another day without telling her what he wanted her to know. He grabbed her hand.  
“Ana wait, I want to talk to you. I didn’t get the chance to say what I wanted to this morning… I just want you to know, that… “ Bucky took a deep breath, his hands were shaking. Not the normal demeanor of a skilled assassin. He tried so hard to say what he wanted to say, but he didn’t know how Ana would react. Here they were in the middle of a Hydra mess with all of Ana’s walls crumbling; could he really tell her now? She’d never given any intention of wanting a relationship. She might only see him as a friend. All this doubt and worry trapped the words in Bucky’s throat, while Ana stared expectantly.  
“Do you remember when we met?” Bucky asked.  
His mind wandered, as did hers, to a cell on the SHIELD helicarrier.

_Where a small girl with dark green eyes, and a long tangle of brown tresses sat with her knees pulled firmly to her chest. Natasha had been the first to enter and question her. She answered every question in the same straightforward, honest manner, like following orders. When she heard a question she didn’t like or refused to answer, she would give a small shake of her head and stare at the floor. When no one was present, she hardly moved for fear, shame, and regret. Bucky could see it all in her eyes when she stared through the glass. Everything he had suffered was now present in this young girl. She knew she was being watched and he guessed it wasn’t her first time being caught. The team talked for hours about what to do. After all, according to what they found, she was as skilled a marksman as him or Nat, and just as agile. Her first reaction when she woke up was to punch everyone in sight. Clint came out of that fight with a black eye. The next person to talk to her was Steve. He went in with a much gentler approach, and Bucky guessed he got more out of her because they talked again. Finally, Steve told him to go in, and try and find out if she’d be an ally or enemy. He would be able to determine whether the girl had honest intentions or was only a Hydra pawn._

_Bucky entered the stone cold room and she shifted._  
_He sat across from her, and spoke softly so as not to startle her._  
_“I’m Bucky.” He said, “What is your name?”_  
_When she looked up, he could see the tears pooling in her red-rimmed eyes he hadn’t noticed from the other room. He also hadn’t noticed just how sharp and expressive they were until they locked on his own. He could hear the cracking of her voice as she whispered, “Anastasia.”_  
_“Nice to meet you.” Bucky replied with a smile. The girl--Anastasia-- didn’t seem impressed. So Bucky tried something else._  
_“What are you hiding in your jacket?”_  
_The girl’s eyes widened. Neither Steve or Nat had noticed but Bucky had been watching her for hours, and noted whenever someone left the room she would put her hand inside her jacket as though checking to make sure an object was still in place. Anastasia stared directly ahead at the wall, but her eyes darted back and forth. Whatever she was hiding, it was important to her._  
_“I wouldn’t take it from you. Unless it was a weapon. I’m just curious.”_  
_The girl glared at him. She slowly pulled a very tattered book from the inside of her jacket. She placed it on the table in front of her: a dog-eared copy of Around the World in 80 Days._  
_Bucky outstretched his flesh hand, making eye contact with the girl to be sure it was alright to touch the book. She made no protest, so he gently flipped through the pages, expecting a coded message, mission log, or clue of some kind. What he found was aged pages bent and torn in some areas, but otherwise still as printed._  
_“It’s a good book.” Bucky declared, “Do you agree?”_  
_The girl nodded._  
_“Listen, I know you don’t trust me, but I want to help you.”_  
_“You a shrink?” Anastasia asked._  
_“No. Hydra hurt me too, but I’ve recovered now, mostly. I’m helping people, making up for what I did under their control. I could help you too, if you want it?”_  
_The girl sighed, and nodded. She didn’t have much of a choice. Accept this stranger’s offer, or undoubtedly go to prison. At least this way there was some chance of escape._  
_Bucky smiled, “Wait here.” he said._  
_Anastasia gestured to the dark windowless walls around her, silently asking “Where would I go?”_

_Bucky returned quickly with Steve who offered his proposal for her to train and join SHIELD. She accepted, and was moved to Stark tower._

Bucky remembered Ana’s first few days at the tower with fondness. She stayed close to Bucky or secluded in her room for the first few weeks. Slowly, however, she began to allow Steve closer, and they became somewhat of a trio, then she let Nat and Clint train her in proper SHIELD protocol, and it wasn’t long after that she made herself a regular presence in the workshop with Tony, then she was going out for coffee with Wanda almost every week, and friendships with the rest of the avengers followed soon after. They were a family; a large, odd, and chaotic family. But none were as close to her as Bucky was. No one could ever hope to make Ana smile as bright as when he was around. They were each other’s confidants, companions, and allies. Ana also remembered her first few days. How she’d felt so scared, how hard it was to open up to anyone. She feared she’d lose everything all over again. But she also felt safe, for the first time in a long time. Like she finally had a place to call home again. She had tried to stop cutting then, but obviously that didn’t stick. She was still glad she had made a friend out of the arrangement though.  
They both pondered through their own thoughts for a few moments.  
Neither of them new what to say next, but Bucky couldn’t help but smile at Ana. He looked directly into her eyes and could still see the same girl he met several years ago, when he searched her soul for any sign of hope. Now he searched her eyes for any proof she returned his affections. They stood a long time like this, and when she smiled back at him, he was certain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I was pretty proud of this chapter actually (especially the title). The next chapter will be up soon. Ana will very likely reveal some more things about her past to Bucky, so it could get a little darker in the next few chapters. I will post extra tags and warning accordingly for those chapters. Again, thanks for all the kudos and comments :)


	10. Author's Note (March 1)

I apologize for posting this note in the format of a chapter, but I need to discuss something very serious regarding this story, and I don’t want my characters to be limited. I know it’s not something anyone has asked specifically about, but I feel it needs to be said. Some of you may know, today (March 1st, 2017) is known internationally as Self Injury Awareness Day. This was first recognized in 1999. I have come to regard this day with respect as I have had my own experiences with self-injury and the reactions to such a coping mechanism. I want to share my reasons for writing this story, as the plot may continue to express Anastasia’s reasons for cutting and possibly explore her thoughts on suicide. I want to make my position on these issues very clear. I do not promote self-harm as a coping mechanism, but I want to create awareness of the issue itself and possibly help someone through this story. Maybe help someone who knows someone who cuts, by helping them understand. Self-harm often receives either a negative reaction, or sometimes a supportive. As I mentioned in my author’s note of Chapter 1, I did base this story off many of my own experiences. This story is not a direct allegory of my life. I did not write Ana to be myself and Bucky or Steve to represent my best friend or anything like that. I based their reactions to Ana’s self-harm off the reactions I received when people discovered my self-injury. So, if any of you thought Steve was a bit of a jerk in chapter 1, that was done very purposefully. People do not always react well, usually because they don’t understand. Some people will be less judgmental after you talk to them, others will not. When someone is struggling with self-harm, it is important to have a supportive reaction. With knowledge and an open mind, it can be easy to support someone. You don’t need to be a therapist to listen or help someone.

With that being said, here are the statements I want to make regarding awareness of self-injury:

 **Self-harm is not a suicide attempt.** It can be viewed as a suggestion of suicidal thoughts, but most self-harmers aren’t actively trying to kill themselves. Self-harm is a way of coping with pain. It’s a way people deal with numbness or being emotionally overwhelmed.

 **It is addictive.** Many people overlook this when they try to help someone who self-harms. They often think “Why don’t you just stop?”. Unfortunately, it’s not so simple. When someone cuts, burns, or bruises themselves, the pain triggers the brain to release endorphin. Endorphin is a hormone that helps us to push past pain, and they often leave us feeling more energized and decrease our pain level. The term “runner’s high” is used to describe the feeling of an endorphin rush, which can be addictive. Chocolate also contains endorphins, which is why women often crave it during menstruation. Self-harm results in the instant release of endorphins, which means after someone has inflicted pain on themselves, they feel very calm and relaxed, and the body releases tension. This feeling is desired again and again, and self-harm becomes a habit 

 **Don’t ask why.**   People may or may not understand all the reasons behind their self-harm.  It’s usually not something people want to be open about.  It could be for a reason they don’t completely know yet, or perhaps they just can’t find words to explain.  Asking “why do you do that?” is basically the same as asking “why don’t you stop?”  One thing that’s better is asking the question a different way like, “How does this help you cope?”, or simply asking, “Is there anything I can do to help?”, or even sometimes just a hug goes farther than words.

 **Do not EVER tell anyone else.** I cannot stress this enough. Self-harm is a very personal issue, and as a said before, often receives many negative reactions. I can say from personal experience that if someone trusts you with their self-harm, they must really trust you. However, if you do believe someone is in life threatening or immediate danger, please go to someone responsible, a school counselor, or perhaps a health care professional, use your most critical judgement of who to tell. Don’t go ask another friend or someone without experience or wisdom.

 **Recovery is a long process**. Relapse is common, and usually it comes out of nowhere. You think you’re okay, then suddenly you lose all control. Having friends who are faithful can really help. If you offer someone an opportunity to talk, or try to help them cope, don’t ever expect it to be a onetime thing. Be prepared for all night phone calls, and ready to give constant reassurance. Be there, check in, ask how they’re doing. (one a side note of that, don’t be nosy or ask people to show you their scars. People deserve their privacy.)

If you struggle with self-harm yourself:

 **I know it hurts.** I understand what it means to want to hurt yourself. And I understand how it feels when people brush the problem aside. I know it’s a confusing emotional roller coaster, but I want you to know some things I’ve learned along the way.

 **Try to identify your attached emotion**. What do you think is causing you to want to hurt yourself? I don’t mean like one specific thing. Could it be depression, anxiety, stress, grief, or anger? Identifying feelings can be a struggle, and many people find it helpful to write out their thoughts or talk through them with someone, but ultimately only you can decide what is making you want to hurt yourself. Distraction helps. You will often see lists of alternatives to self-harm posted on tumblr, facebook, and other social media websites. My best friend would give me suggestions of what to do and I would try one and not feel any better, so I would cut anyway. What I learned was, you need to try more than one thing. I found the best distraction in the places I least expected, exercise and warm blankets.

 **Seek help, but be careful who you trust.** I made a mistake regarding this one time. I trusted a friend who claimed to have similar experiences to me, but she wasn’t really fit to handle the situation maturely. She was a bit of a blabbermouth, and told several people about my self-injury which resulted in many negative reactions. This left me feeling alienated and I only became more anxious and didn’t want help from anyone anymore. Please, if you are seeking help(which is a very brave thing to do and I’m so proud of you), please make sure you go to the right person. I eventually told my actual best friend, and she helped me a lot through her patience and willingness to listen. She suggested I see a counselor, which I never did, but sometimes I wish I had, it might have made my recovery process faster. If you have resources available to you, don’t be afraid to use them. Counseling and therapy are great tools, especially for those struggling to make sense of their thoughts or emotions.

 **Know your triggers.** Stay away from things that will make you want to harm yourself. Try to keep triggering images off of your browser by using safe search. Stay away from stress as much as possible. Stress leads to anxiety which isn't good. If you have a friend or are in a relationship that is stressful to you, I would take a break from that relationship until you know that it won't stress you. If there is something that triggers you and you have the option to take a break, do so. I'll be honest, sometimes the reason my updates are so spaced out and irregular is because sometimes what I am writing for a chapter triggers me or brings back bad memories. Usually I take a break and focus on something else like a drawing or book for a little while then go back to writing.

For anyone looking to honor today, the symbol for SI awareness is an orange ribbon (I did not order a wristband in time but I am wearing an orange ribbon tied around my wrist at work today.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post this much earlier in the day but I forgot I had to go straight to work from school. However, just because it's no longer Self-Injury awareness day doesn't mean you can't create awareness. Also, I hope no one was upset or offended by this, I only meant to help create some awareness about the issue of self-harm. Thank you for reading; I'm sorry it's not a real chapter, but the next one will be up very soon! :)


	11. I Won't Say I'm In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mission in Copenhagen leads to an interesting conversation between Bucky and Ana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long to update! I meant to post this chapter along with the author's note from the 1st, but I was delayed by work, school, and travel plans.

Ana used the strategy meeting the next day as an excuse to delay talking to Bucky a little longer. However, she was easily getting distracted, she tried her hardest not to think of what to say to Bucky.

“Were you able to get anything else out of Anderson?” Steve asked Natasha.

“What he revealed to me, whether he realized it or not, was that he had contacts in Stockholm, but they are expecting the piece to be delivered to them in Copenhagen in a week.”

“We still don’t have a name for this contact?” Tony asked.

“No.” “What is the intended purpose of this piece?” Steve inquired.

“I think I can help answer this question.” Thor said, “Upon further analysis of the sword, I noticed it was made of precious Asgardian metal. It is indestructible, very similar to your vibranium, I believe they intend to collect as much as they can, either to remold the metal to a weapon of their choice, or use its magical qualities.”

“Magical qualities?”

“Aye. Valkyries are those who choose those who die in battle and those who live.”

“But if the power comes from being a Valkyrie, then what use would a sword be?” Clint, always the cynical one, pointed out.

“The sword itself may or may not be of any magical use, but it may have led us to the last remains of Hydra.” Steve said. He said that every time they fought Hydra, but this time he may be right. They’d not heard much of them in the last year, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t still there. Ana had helped them track down eleven different bases since she’d joined SHIELD, but she’d never been able to find the leader who’d hired her. Part of her was glad. She never wanted to see his face again, but she knew they needed him to put an end to Hydra’s reign. She wanted her final revenge for the lies he’d told her. Across the table, she saw Bucky glance at her with concern. She tried to make her face look as relaxed as she could, for his sake. He shouldn’t have to worry about her when he might have a mission to focus on. Steve continued on with the meeting. They constructed a seemingly good plan.

“Nat, I need you to find out exactly where this piece was supposed to go. Then we’ll deliver it personally.” “Are you sure we should all go?” Tony asked, “Usually when we find Hydra, they’re isolated. Now they’re in the city, it could cause alarm.”

“I have to agree with Tony.” Wanda said. Steve nodded, “So we send a small team. Bucky, Ana, me… Natasha, you’ll be on extraction, and Thor, would you be willing to accompany us?”

“I think it would be for the better if I remain here. And upon your return, I must take the piece back to Asgard where it will be safe.” The rest of the room agreed.

In closing, Steve stated, “Nat, you find out where Anderson’s contact is, Bucky and Ana, get your gear, and Tony, can you get us a jet?”

We all left the room to attend to our assigned tasks. Wanda followed me out. “Is there something different about Bucky? He’s been acting strange since last night.” She asked.

“Have you been getting inside our heads again, Wanda?” I sighed. Wanda tried furiously not to use her powers to know what we’re thinking all the time, but she still doesn’t have complete control and sometimes the feelings found her rather than the other way around. “No,” Wanda responded, “I can just tell. You’ve been acting differently around each other.” Ana laughed it off, choosing not to tell her friend what had happened.

 

The next few days went by and Ana continued to dodge all interactions with Bucky. Focusing on mission analysis and strategy planning. Making sure her rifles were in perfect shape, anything to avoid talking to him since their talk on the roof. The truth was, Ana loved Bucky very much, but she had conflicting emotions about their relationship. She liked being his best friend, not having pressure in their relationship. She didn’t feel worthy of him though, and often wondered why he bothered to be around her at all. Most of all, she didn’t want to hurt him. She’d never forgiven herself for what she’d done to her brother. But those thoughts needed to be pushed aside for now, so she could focus on this mission without any distractions. At the time of the mission itself, Ana was informed she and Bucky would be backup, in case the arrest went wrong.

“But why?” she exclaimed, “I was cleared from medical two days ago, and I know exactly who you should be looking for.” “She has a point, Rogers.” Nat said from the pilot seat. “Okay, fine, but I want you to stay low. If anyone from Hydra recognizes you it’ll blow this whole thing.”

“Well if any civilians recognize you it will do the same.” Bucky retorted. Steve rolled his eyes. It was going to be long flight. …

 

Ana POV

After finally landing, the Natasha and I dressed in civilian clothes, and were seated at a small cafe near the museum Anderson was supposed to meet his contact. I felt my heart start to race at the idea we might see my old “employer” from hydra. He was the only one I couldn’t seem to track down, and possibly the only hydra general left. As much as I wanted him behind bars, I would rather hope he’s already six feet under. I never wanted to see that bastard’s face again after what he told me to get me to work for him. He was a part of my old life that I constantly tried to push into the farthest corner of my mind. Natasha must have seen my brief turmoil, because she squeezed my hand, pulling me back to the real world. I heard the crackling of my earpiece. “I see two men circling the perimeter.” Steve reported. I looked over my shoulder, just long enough to check for weapons. “Unarmed.” I said, “security guards.”

“How about the guy with the briefcase, approaching from the left side?” This one Natasha shot down. “Not our guy. He’s American; watch is set to New York time.“ “Listen, you’re looking for someone who’s also looking for someone. It’s a minute past the meet time, and Anderson would never be late. Look for the guy in the crowd who’s confused.” There was a few seconds silence, then Bucky chimed in.

“The guy by the fountain,” he said, “White shirt, blue pants.” I looked over my shoulder and sure enough, there he was, checking his watch.

“He’s armed.” I said, “and undoubtedly has backup somewhere in the plaza, by the direction he’s looking, there probably staked out on a balcony somewhere.” I watched Natasha get up, and effortlessly walk to where he was standing. She had uncovered the contact phrase from her interrogation with Anderson, so she would know for sure if this was the criminal they were looking for. I could faintly hear her through my earpiece. “Darf ich mir einen Stift leihen?” The man turned to her in surprise.

“I have your piece.” She said, “Come with me, and I may give it to you.” The man whispered something low, and suddenly there was the sound of a gunshot. The cafe I had been sitting in went into panic. Several people screamed in surprise at the sound. When a second shot rang out, chaos ensued. This was the hard part of my job; as people scrambled to grab their phones, I shouted above the crowd.

“Go inside and take cover!” I managed to get almost everyone inside, I instructed them to stay low, and direct them away from any windows. My Danish was absolutely terrible, the shop manager helped translate for those who didn’t understand English, or were too much in shock.

“Civilians are all inside.” I reported to Steve.

“Good, keep them there until we have the situation under control.” came the response. I watched out the window, listening intently to the sounds coming through the comms while anxiety started to build up inside me. The sounds of punches and grunts filled my ear. “Have you got them all?” I urged, “People are a little on edge.”

“Almost.” Bucky replied, “Two down the street an--” His sentence was cut short. “Bucky? Bucky!”

I shouted into my earpiece, “Steve, where is he?! I thought you were covering him!” Natasha yelled. “I lost visual.” Steve said. Suddenly a blur of movement outside the window caught my attention. Bucky was running, more like limping, after two guys. He finally managed to knock one down, but the other came up behind him and gave him a hard blow to his side. He staggered backwards, but caught his balance enough to block the next swing.

“Steve! Where are you?! Bucky needs help!” I shouted. “Ana, I can’t get to him.” he said, I could tell he was running too.

“Then I will.” I said “Ana, no-- you’re supposed to watch the--” I took my comm out of my ear and threw it on the floor. Like hell would I be bossed around when Bucky needed my help. With one last instruction to all the people hiding in the cafe to stay low, I sprinted out of the shop, and into the plaza where the two thugs were pounding Bucky. A sudden courage swept over me as I ripped my pistol from my shoulder holster and fired two warning shots. The two men looked at me and smirked. I probably didn’t look too threatening in my civilian clothes. One of them came at me and I knocked him flat with just my foot.

“Your boyfriend’s grown weak since he left our cause.” the second one mocked, kicking Bucky hard, forcing him to groan in pain. All hell broke loose at that point. I took one step towards the guy and before he could blink, gave him a front kick to the chest, then elbowed across his jaw, grabbed his arm and flipped him, then twisted it, effectively pushing him to the ground, making him cry out in pain. I cuffed him and ran to check on Bucky. He laid on the concrete, his breathing heavy and labored, but he was conscious. I began to check for broken bones when he smiled at me.

“What?” I asked him.

“You saved my life.”

“So?” A grin broke out on his face, and he let out a breathy laugh, “That was about the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.” I slapped his shoulder lightly, knowing now he couldn’t be too hurt if was able to make jokes. Steve and Natasha finally met us and helped get the scene taken care of and tell civilians it was okay to leave the premises. In the meanwhile I helped Bucky get to the Copenhagen SHIELD vase, where it was decided officially that none of his bones were broken.

When Steve arrived, he announced it would be awhile before we could leave because we had to do debriefing with the Copenhagen police force. He also sat down and told me my actions were in violation of a direct order. “I was helping my friend.” I argued, “You would have done the same thing.”

“Ana this isn’t the time for a moral argument, I need to know that whoever’s on my team is gonna do their job.”

“I did my part, I made sure everyone was safe, including my teammate. How is that not doing my job?” Steve sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I understand that, but please in future, wait for some sort of confirmation, okay? For your safety too.” I agreed, somewhat begrudgingly, and went to get myself some coffee, just my luck that Bucky would be there. “Hey there.” He said. “Hi.” I mumbled, pouring myself a cup of the heavenly liquid. I inhaled the steam, and letting my stress melt away for a moment.

“So, I was gonna blow off the debrief and go explore the city, you interested?” Bucky asked. It was our tradition, when we traveled for missions, to explore and go to museums or cafes or parks and just breathe in the atmosphere. I blushed, now not sure whether he meant this to be a date or not. His eyes pleaded so much though, I just couldn't say no.

 

We walked the streets for some time, taking in the architecture and scenery. Eventually we found a tower, and we climbed to the top. We stopped to admire the view, and I sat down with my book to read, but soon became distracted with conversation.

“Some view, huh?” Bucky had asked.

“Yeah.” I sighed, flipping a page.

“Remember last time we were in Copenhagen in the winter?” He asked with a smirk. I sighed and closed my book, knowing I wouldn’t be able to read for a while. “You mean the time you dared Clint to lick the lamppost and his tongue got stuck?”

Bucky laughed at the memory, “That's not what I remembered about it but that was so funny!” “I can't believe he thought that was only a myth!” I said as I started to laugh too. Clint had stood there with his tongue stuck to the metal pole, screaming for Natasha because Bucky and I were bent over laughing too hard. Now it felt we were reliving that moment. When Bucky finally got his breath back, he had tears in his eyes. He cleared his throat before continuing,

“What I actually meant was when we were on the base, and I found you on the roof watching the aurora borealis. You told me it was your favorite view in the entire world and then I--”

“Gave me your jacket saying I’d catch pneumonia if I was out there any longer.” I finished for him, “I can’t believe you remember that.” He grinned at me, “How could I not? After I told you that you pelted me with snow and told me to ‘eff off’.”

I blushed, “Oh yeah, that was before I really considered you a friend.”

Bucky laughed, “You were something else, doll.”

I stuck my tongue out at him and when back to my book. He didn’t let me get very far before he asked me what it was about? “Why do you want to know?” I asked, because he knows I hate being interrupted.

“Because… listen, Ana, I’ve been trying to say this for days, but I don’t know how… but,” he took a breath, “I love you, Anastasia, and sometimes I think you love me too, but I want to hear it from you. If you say you love me, I would be the happiest man alive, but even if you say no, I would still respect that.”

I felt tears prick at my eyes, and before I had even thought about it, the words slipped out of my mouth. “I do love you, but I don’t want anything to change.” Bucky’s eyes lit up for a moment, but then went to his studious gaze, “What do you mean? What would change?”

“I mean what we have right now, the way we talk for hours and watch movies and pull pranks on Steve, I don’t want to lose that. Honestly, I wish I could go back in time make sure you never, ever found out my secret! Ever since that day everything has been a mess.” I put my face into my hands, too ashamed to even look up. Bucky patted my shoulder, “Don’t say that, Ana. I’m glad you’re trusting me to help you now.” I sniffed and pushed back the tears threatening to escape, “I wish it could always be like this, just talking to you, but at the same time I see your stupidly beautiful eyes and all I want to do is kiss you in the rain like _Breakfast at Tiffany’s_. But as much as I want to do that, I don’t want to think of losing my best friend if you ever… or I ever… if we… “ I struggled to even say it. Bucky’s eyes looked hurt, he couldn’t hide that no matter how hard he tried. But he simply squeezed my hand and said, “I understand how you feel. I should have thought of that myself. I care about you, Ana, but if that’s only as your best friend then I am perfectly okay with that. I would never ever try to be anything else unless unless you wanted me to, because I love you.” He leaned down to kiss my cheek, but I stopped him.

“Bucky I… “ I didn’t finish my sentence, but instead pressed my lips to his in sudden courage. Once he got past the initial surprise he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer. I melted into the kiss more and more and I could feel him grinning as we pulled away from each other. We were both wide eyed and breathless from what had just happened. His crystal blue eyes searched mine with such amazement and wonder, and we sat there for what felt like hours. Until Bucky breathed out,

“Does this mean you're my girl now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awww!!! I'm so happy for Ana right now! Anyway, the next chapter should be interesting as Ana and Bucky will have to decide whether or not to reveal their relationship to everyone else at this time... I hope to have that chapter up soon, but I will be very busy for the next two weeks or so, then I will have some free time to work on this story.  
> Also, I want to say thank you to anyone who read the author's note I posted March 1st. I know it wasn't very relevant to the plot of the story, but it is related.  
> (The German sentence in this chapter should translate to "Can I borrow a pen", if it is wrong, that's Google translate's fault)


	12. An Awkward Family Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter dives much deeper into Ana's personal history, and reveals a few secrets to her character. Also, this chapter has mentions of alcohol consumption.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost went two months without posting again. I am very sorry about that, but this chapter is my longest one so far, so hopefully that makes up for it. This chapter contains a lot of things about Ana's personal history, and I had a hard time writing it because some of the things I wrote about were based off my own experience and I found it to be a bit triggering. This chapter does stray a bit from the usual content of this story. It may seem a bit boring, but I think it is necessary. Anyway, enjoy the chapter, and leave kudos and comments to let me know what you think :)

_“Does this mean you’re my girl now?”_

 

Ana blushed, “I don’t know, does it?”

Bucky kissed her again, this time feeling the heat from her flushed cheeks, “Only if you want it to.” he whispered huskily.

“Ana wrapped her arms around him, “I think I do, but… I’ve never really… well, I never… I umm… “

Bucky bit his lip to keep from grinning at her shyness.  She looked adorable when she was so flustered, “What is it, sweetheart?”

“I just, haven’t dated anyone in a long time, and I don’t know, anyone I dated before wasn’t anyone I really loved.”

“You think I know what I’m doing?  I haven’t dated in 75 years!” Bucky joked.

Ana laughed at his observation.  It was true, they both had obstacles to overcome when it came to relationships.

“Listen, Ana, “ Bucky said seriously, “We’ll take this as fast or as slow as you want.”

“You won’t even tell Steve?” Ana questioned, giving him a skeptical look.  Being one of Bucky’s closest friends, she knew he couldn’t keep secrets from Steve, but Steve hardly kept secrets from Natasha, who has never kept anything from Clint, who always tells Tony, who tells Pepper and Bruce, then they tell Sam who tells Wanda, who would tell Maria and Jane, who tell Thor and Darcy and Coulson, and then the whole world knows and it ends up a disaster.  Ana’s first secret is almost halfway down that chain already so she can’t help the twinge of urgency and panic when she asks Bucky.  He calms her and gives her his word he won’t tell a soul until she’s ready.

 

They stroll slowly through the streets as the daylight starts to fade and eventually make their way back to the base.  Steve is frustrated they weren’t at the debrief and asks what they’ve been up to.  Bucky makes up a lie on the spot about a bakery with the most amazing scones and Steve buys it, so Ana lets out the breath she’d been holding,

The flight back to New York was uneventful, and there was a refreshing calmness that hadn’t been on the earlier flight that day.  Steve used this as an opportunity to take a nap, Natasha enjoyed the view from her seat at the front of the plane, and Ana was--of course--using the time as an opportunity to read.  Bucky, however, used the distraction of everyone else to his advantage, and slowly reached to grasp Ana’s hand.  She startled at first, but when she saw Steve and Natasha weren’t paying attention, she allowed him to hold her hand for the entirety of the flight, so long as he allowed her to turn the page in her book when she needed to.  

 

When they finally land, Ana had finished her book and was cleaning her gear.  She exited the jet, prepared to go straight to her room and lay down, probably order some takeout, and maybe have some coffee.  She was expecting to be met with smiles from her teammates, and say goodbye to Thor before he returned to Asgard.  What she found instead, was Tony and Pepper, both wearing expressions that could only be read as ‘We have really bad news but we’re trying to act casual about it’

She set her gear down on the table, which Pepper absolutely hated, but this time she didn’t even so much as flinch.  Ana knew something was wrong.

“What’s going on?” Ana asked nervously.

Tony and Pepper exchanged worried glances, having another one of their seemingly telepathic conversations.  Ana stood nervously, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, until Tony finally spoke, “Honey, we have something to show you, but try not to freak out, okay?”

“Okay… “ Ana mumbled.  She looked a little nervous.  Not that anyone would blame her.  Tony and Pepper were acting really weird.

“You might want to sit down, Ana.”

Ana sat on the couch, “Seriously, what is this about?  If it’s a joke it’s not funny.” she said, trying to sound tough but her voice was cracking.

“It’s okay, sweetheart, “ Pepper comforted, “JARVIS, turn on the TV.”

The screen flashed images from what was obviously a phone video, while a colorful news banner rolled across the bottom of the screen.  Ana saw herself, beating the crap out of the guy who’d attacked Bucky, when the video showed her finally taking him to the ground, it cut back to a studio image.  

“Video provided by a civilian shows this girl, aggressively taking down an opponent who attacked the Winter Soldier on an Avengers mission in Copenhagen today.  It has not been confirmed whether or not this girl is a member of the Avengers team but-- “

Ana switched the channel as fast as she could but the same story came up.

“The Avengers appear to have another member of their team they have not yet revealed to the public.”

Ana switched again.

“Spectators say she may have been one of Black Widow’s aliases or disguises, however it seems unlikely that--”

Ana flipped through four more channels, hoping to find another story, any other story; instead, she only found more reports of her appearance.

“Witnesses report the girl was armed an--”

“Are there other secret members in the Avengers?  Why keep them secret?  We will have more tonight at 6, after our story on--”

“Okay, enough.” Pepper said, turning off the TV.  Ana felt tears escape her eyes.  She couldn’t help herself.  All this time she’d spent being so careful to keep her identity safe and it was all ruined in seconds; and it wasn’t like she could be mad at anyone but herself.  She had disobeyed an order from Steve and that’s how this happened.  It was her own fault.

Tony saw her crying and put his arm around her.  “Hey, don’t worry,” He comforted, “Pepper’s already called some pretty powerful people to get this taken care of.  I give it four days, tops, before they’re all reporting on something stupid again like politics and cat videos.”

Ana pulled away from Tony’s hug, “Really?” she asked, worry evident in her voice.  It was times like this when he realized just how young she was.  She wasn’t even 25 years old yet and the stories she had to tell could keep him awake at night.  Those secrets were something she decided not to share and therefore, were not for the world to know.  She deserved her privacy.  He was pissed at the people who would try to deny her that right.

“Really.” he said, “Do you know any person who’s gonna get on Pepper’s bad side?”

Pepper was already furiously typing on her laptop while simultaneously talking into her phone.  Ana shook her head.

“Exactly, and if they even try, I’ll go over there personally and kick their ass.”

“Tony!” Pepper reprimanded with her hand over her phone speaker..

Ana let out a small laugh, which everyone could tell was mostly forced.  “We’re getting some takeout, “ Natasha announced, “You want any?”

“Yeah,” Ana replied, ‘I just need to go and change first.”

As soon as she left, Tony made eye contact with Bucky.  He nodded his head towards the elevator, and Bucky didn’t have to ask what he meant.  He was already thinking the same himself.

  


Bucky entered Ana’s apartment, and called out for her.  He heard some clunking in the bedroom, and went immediately to investigate.  

He found the bedroom empty, so he knocked on the bathroom door.

“Ana?  Are you alright?”

“Bucky?” came the muffled response.

“Yeah, Darlin’, it’s me.  Are you okay in there?”

“I’m fine.” she said back.  She sounded alright, but Bucky still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.

“Will you open the door?”

“No!” There was a panic in her voice now.

“Why not?”

“Because I… I… I broke my promise!” Ana bawled.  Bucky wanted nothing more than to burst in there and wrap her in his arms and tell her it was okay, but he wouldn’t push her boundaries.

“Did you hurt yourself?” He asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

“Yes.” came the reply.  It sounded so small and scared and alone.  Bucky felt his heart ache for her.  She was his girl now, and he was gonna make sure she never felt that way while he was around.  He would make sure he saw the same Ana he did: strong, intelligent, and compassionate.  With that determination, he took a deep breath to steady his emotions before speaking.

“Ana, do you remember what you promised me?”

“That I’d stop.” she snapped, not at him, but at herself.  Bucky corrected her though.  “No, you promised you’d try, and I can tell you did.  This is only one relapse.  I am not mad, but I want to be sure you’re okay, can you please let me in?”

He waited a moment, then the door slowly opened, Ana had tracks of salty tears running down her cheeks, and a firm grip on a small silver blade between her fingers.  Her jacket was thrown carelessly on the floor, leaving her in just a gray tank top.  She had cut herself on her upper arm, just below her shoulder.  He could see she’d applied pressure to stop the bleeding, based on the gauze and towels lying on her bathroom floor.

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed, while her makeup streamed in smudged lines down her cheeks, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”  

“Shhh, it’s alright.” he said as he knelt down beside her,and pointed to the fresh cuts, “Did you clean them?”

She shook her head.

“Can I help you?” he asked.  He could tell she wanted to say no with every fiber of her being, but she tearfully agreed to his help.

He went about cleaning her up with extreme gentleness, being careful not to hurt her.  He worked silently, only occasionally speaking to whisper reassurances to her.  After she had fresh bandages covering her new cuts, Bucky instructed her to change, as her shirt was stained with blood.  

When she was done changing into her leggings and hoodie, she reentered the bedroom, looking much calmer than before.  Bucky noticed she almost seemed relaxed now.  He was hopeful she’d put the incident behind them.  Ana had a tendency to dwell on her mistakes and what she believed to be her own flaws, but he didn’t want her to do that to herself now.  It was important she learned to forgive herself.

“You ready to go get dinner?” he asked.

Ana checked her reflection in the mirror for puffiness or laeftover makeup smudges, then she nodded to Bucky, “Yeah, let’s go.”

 

On the main floor once again, Ana tried to make conversation to avoid the thinking about what she’d seen on the news earlier.  Pepper had reminded her again that she didn’t need to worry, but she couldn’t help herself.  She felt nauseous and weak, and secluded herself to the kitchen.  Bucky looked on with concern, fighting every urge he had not to follow her, or to wrap his arms around her and hold her and kiss her.  He was trying not to noticeably watch her, but his eyes couldn’t help himself when her phone rang.  He had to say she looked upset by it.  Almost distressed, as if she’d been expecting the call.  She stepped onto the balcony, and Bucky held his breath the entire time.  

When she reentered the room, she was finishing up the call, and had now caught the attention of Tony.  

“Okay… I’ll call you tomorrow… bye.”

“Who was that, Stasia?  If anyone’s got your number I’ll take care of it.”

“It’s okay, Tony, I know who it was.”

“Who?” Bucky blurted.  He hadn’t meant to, but he had wanted to know too.

“Oh, umm, “ Ana started awkwardly, “It was my brother.  My mom saw me on the news, I guess, and she recognized me.  He called to see if it was ”

“Wait a minute.” Tony said, “You have a mom?!”

Everyone turned to face Ana.  Her face flushed red, “Well yeah,” she said, “Doesn’t everyone?”

Tony only stood there gaping, “I thought Steve was your mom?!”

A few snickers escaped from Clint and and Sam.

Pepper rolled her eyes, “I think what Tony means to say is that you’ve never mentioned your parents.”

“Or your brother!” Clint added.

Ana nodded, pulling on her sleeves, “I know.  We’re not very close, my parents and I, but I suppose I owe them an explanation for all this.”  She scrubbed her hands over her face, “I’ll probably have to go and visit them now.”

Pepper nodded, “If you need the jet--”

“I’m fine.” Ana replied with a forced smile, “I’m only going to Westchester.”

“Westchester?” Bucky gawked.  He had thought her parents didn’t live nearby.  That’s what she’d told him.

Tony seemed even more confused at the prospect of Ana having parents.  He ranted continuously, “How could you not tell us about this, Ana?  You have a mom, a brother, and I bet you have a dad too?”

“I can’t believe you, Tony.” Ana said, shaking her head, but there was a small smile on her lips.

“Well I can’t believe you had a family you never told us about! I thought we were your family!” He exclaimed, gesturing to the rest of the room, “You’ve got Mama Steve, your whacky brother Clint, and your scary sister Natasha.  Wanda is like your half-sister or step-sister or something, and Thor is like your weird uncle, and then there’s your crazy cousins Sam and Scott.”

“What does that make you then?”

“I don’t know, I kind of thought I was like the cool uncle and Pepper can be your badass aunt.”  Ana was laughing now.  It seemed Tony’s scheme to make her feel better had worked a little.  That is until Clint interrupted with, “Then where does Bucky fit in?”

Ana’s face flushed a bright pink again, but this time Bucky felt his cheeks burning too.  Tony smirked, “That is yet to be decided.” he announced.  Ana laughed it off, then she went to her room, telling her friends she needed to to unpack from her mission.

 

Bucky went by Ana’s room again that night to check on her after how distressed she had seemed earlier.  Ana was pacing around her apartment, on the phone again.

“Do you promise, Logan?” she was saying, “I'm not going without you.”  Bucky couldn't help himself from listening, even though he knew it was rude.

“I'm sorry I never told you about this,” she said, “I'll explain everything, at least to you, this weekend… love you too.” she hung up.  Bucky was taken aback by Ana's ease at saying “I love you” to whoever was on the phone.  Though he didn't want to admit it, he felt a small twinge of jealousy.

“Who was that?” he asked with a bite he hadn't intended.

“My brother.” Ana sighed, hanging her head, “I feel so bad for lying to him all these years.”

Bucky suddenly felt childish for his jealousy.

“If you don't mind me asking, doll, why didn't you tell them.  I don't understand why you wouldn't tell any of us about them either?”

Ana sighed, “My parents aren't exactly the usual kind.  I didn't want anyone to know about them and make assumptions about me because I'm nothing like them.”

“Babe, we know you, and we love you.  How would your parents make us think of you differently?”

“My parents have money.  Not like Tony or anything, but I grew up pretty well off, and I try my absolute hardest not to reflect any part of that life.  That, and my parents never really supported my choices throughout my life and they… didn't approve of… a lot.”

Bucky got the hint and didn't ask anymore questions.  Ana seemed on the verge of tears again, she sunk down into the couch with her head in her hands, “I just can't face them after all this.”

Bucky sat beside her and rubbed her shoulders.

“It'll be okay, Ana.  If you want, I would go with you?”

Ana bit her lip.  “What would they think though? The team and my parents?  I'm just not ready to tell anyone about us, and we haven't even been on a real date yet.”

“Ana, if you have to do this, let me help you.” Bucky pleaded, “You don’t have to introduce me as your boyfriend.”

“Even if I don’t, they’ll still be rude.  It’s what they do.”

Bucky tilted Ana’s chin to look at him, “I don’t care what they think of me.  I’m not going for them, I’d be going for you, is that want you want?”

Ana nodded slowly, “Please.”

Bucky pecked her cheek, “When are we leaving?”

  
  
  


Ana stood on the porch of her parents home.  She could see the awe Bucky was trying to hide.  The house was large, with a pool and tennis court in the backyard, and a separate garage with an apartment above.  The large windows made the house seem inviting and open, but this only served to make Ana more uncomfortable.  She was cowering, afraid to ring the doorbell.  She took in a sharp breath, “Wow, I haven’t had such a hard time breathing since my debutante ball.” she laughed nervously.

“I don’t know what that means.” Bucky said.

“Consider yourself lucky you’ve never worn a corset.” Ana muttered back.

“Okay babe, I’ll believe you, and I know you’re nervous but you’ve still got to ring the bell.”

Ana took another breath, “Okay, yeah.” Her chest had sharp pains going through it all day, but she pushed those aside and rang the bell.  The sound echoed through the house, and they waited for a small eternity until they heard footsteps.

The door creaked open like one from a horror film.  Ana had closed her eyes in anticipation of her parents standing there, ready to start humiliating her for being late.  But when she saw her brother standing there instead, part of her fear melted away.

“Logan!” She squealed, throwing her arms around him.  He returned her embrace.  Bucky, who was stood off to the side, cleared his throat.  

“Oh, sorry.” Ana mumbled, side-eyeing Bucky, “This is my friend, James, who I mentioned in my phone call.”

“Ah, yes,” Logan began, extending his hand forward, “Very nice to meet you.”  Bucky returned the handshake and the greeting, before Logan wrapped his arm around Ana once again.

“Now there’s someone you need to meet, and then you need to tell me all about what it’s like working with superheroes.  That Tony Stark guy seems like a real jerk.”

“You got that right.” Bucky muttered.  Ana elbowed his side, “He’s not so bad once you get to know him.” she corrected.

Logan led them into a room where three other people sat.  A young woman stood and approached them.  “Ana, James, this is my fiancee, Jenna.”  Jenna hugged Ana briefly, and Bucky saw her stiffen.  He knew it had nothing to do with Jenna though, and mentally kicked himself for not watching her more closely that morning.

“Logan has told me so much about you!” she gushed, “I’m so glad we can finally meet.”

Ana expressed her excitement as well, and finally turned to face her parents.  “Hello, Anastasia.” Her mother said.  She was a thin, petite woman, much like her daughter, but appeared to be more frail.  She held a haughty and false attitude of friendliness in her sharp facial features.

“Hi, mom.” Ana mumbled, “Where’s Dad?”

“He will be joining us at dinner, he’s running late from the office again.” she said with a smile, turning to Bucky, “You must be Anastasia’s friend.  Tell me, do you work with the Avengers as well?”

“Yes, Ma’am.” Bucky replied.

Lauren smiled, “How wonderful, it’s a shame we’ve never met before, but Anastasia never bothered to mention working with such an… elite group.”

“For good reason.” Ana muttered.  She could feel her mother’s condescending judgement, and practically hear the comments she was trying to hold back. 

“It’s amazing she managed to find employment at all, without a college education or a marriage connection.”  Ana felt her mother’s eyes tear right through her.  She rolled her eyes.   _Of course._  Of course her mother couldn’t go five minutes without pointing out she never went to college.

“I’m gonna show Bucky the house, if that’s alright?”

“Oh, of course dear, I’ve even made some renovations you should see.”  Ana rolled her eyes, “Yeah, okay.  Logan, wanna come with?” Ana interrupted.

“Sure, sis.”

Ana led Bucky out of the living room, and back to the curved wooden staircase.  Alright so to the left here is the dining room, kitchen is that way, and there’s a bathroom, office, and game room down that hallway.” Ana said, pointing in each direction.

“Wow, doll, you’re tour guide skills are impeccable.”

“Thanks, but I know you don’t care, I just need to get away from my mother.  Can you believe her?! I can’t be here one minute without being criticized for not going to college.”

“Whoa, whoa, calm down.” Logan started, “Just relax, okay?  This is supposed to be about you, telling them about how your life turned out.  Now why don’t you and Bucky take a walk around the house, and I’ll go talk to mom, okay?”

“Fine.” Ana huffed.  She showed Bucky all the rooms downstairs, including the study, and Bucky could see where the book obsession started.  Then she took him upstairs, and showed him the media room and the staircase to the attic, finally she opened a door near the end of the hallway, “And this is… “ She reached out and turned the handle, and her face fell.  She took some unsteady steps into the center of the crisp, clean, and pristine bedroom.  She turned in circles observing every detail, while expression of disbelief grew on her face.  “Well, this was my room.” she declared sadly.  With a quick turn on her heel, she fled the room.  When she reached the landing of the stairs she was face to face with her mother.

“What did you do to my room?!” she demanded.  

“I renovated.  We needed another guest space.”

“What did you do with all my stuff?”

“You mean all your posters and things?  I didn’t want to keep them around.” she said with a passive wave of her hand.  

Ana’s lip trembled as she tried to keep calm.  “How could you do that?  That was _my_ room.  You didn’t even ask me!”

“As I recall, Anastasia, this is _my_ house, and I don’t need to ask permission to renovate the room my daughter moved out of long ago.”

“But all my memories… pictures, movies, books-- “

“We can discuss this later, Anastasia.” Lauren barked, “You’re father will be here shortly.  Let’s try to have a pleasant dinner.”

 

Ana tried to blend in and make conversation, but her sulking was apparent to Bucky and her brother.  Ana spent time getting to know Jenna, who was actually nice enough to lift her spirits some.  She had a very friendly nature, and seemed like a good fit with her brother.  Ana learned she was in med school, and came from a good family, which was probably why her mother was so hospitable towards her.  When Richard Collette arrived, he greeted his family and introduced himself to Bucky, and everyone was called to the dining room.  Bucky was seated next to Ana, who was next to Logan at one end of the table, with Jenna next to him, and Richard sat at the the other end next to his wife.  Bucky seemed a bit confused by the fact they were being served in their own home, but followed Ana’s cues.  The food was good, and things seemed to be going well while Jenna and Logan kept small talk going until Richard turned the conversation around.

“So, Anastasia, I believe we are here to discuss what your mother and I saw on television this week.”

Ana knew this was coming, but she still had to collect herself.

“What do you want to know?”

“Well I was hoping you could enlighten us as to what exactly you were doing?  I thought you were still in the Marine Corps?”

Ana sighed, and put down her fork.  She related how she had been recruited to a special organization because of her skills(leaving out the parts about Hydra), and that she had been helping the Avengers for  about three years.  She explained she kept it secret for the sake of her privacy, but her mother protested that nothing should be private from her parents.  

“These are matters of national security, mom.  She doesn’t have to tell you anything.” Logan defended.  Ana smiled at him, and he returned it.  Her mother remained quiet for the rest of the meal, whatever Logan had said to her must have been serious.

“So, Ana, why don’t you tell us more about work?”

“I really like it.  I get to travel and work with amazing people.  I’m happy.”

“And how about you, James?” Ana’s father asked, how long have you been working with these ‘Avengers’?”

“Not much longer than Ana.” Bucky replied.

“And what did you do before that?  What college did you attend?”

“Well, Sir… I… uh,” Bucky stuttered.  Ana should have known her father would ask something like that.  She mentally kicked herself for not making him stay home.

“I never went to college.” He finally said, “I joined the army.”

Ana’s mother scoffed and rolled her eyes.  So proud her daughter has found someone like her to share her life with.  Her father, did not so openly express his disapproval, “I enlisted as well, and finished my degree at Yale after.”

“Yale’s a great school.” Bucky agreed.

A sort of silence fell over the table.  Until Jenna asked Ana about her favorite place to travel.  “I’m trying to plan our honeymoon trip.” She explained, “We want to go somewhere different.”

Ana gushed with excitement about places like New Zealand and Reykjavik.

The conversation took a good turn, that is, until after dessert.  Everyone was sitting in the “drawing room”, breaking into smaller groups for conversation.  Logan, Bucky, and Richard, and then Lauren, Jenna, and Ana.  The drawing room was quaint, with a wood burning fireplace in the corner.  As a result, the room was becoming quite warm, and Ana could feel herself perspiring a bit on her forehead.  Ana stole a glance at Bucky to see if he was suffering the same fate.  He was wearing a light, long-sleeved shirt, and seemed fine.  Ana herself however, was wearing a thick cardigan over a black lace camisole.  She was growing more and more uncomfortable by the minute.  Straining to focus on anything but the growing warmth from the fireplace.  She shifted nearly every three seconds now, trying to subtly fan herself.  Unfortunately for her, her mother noticed her discomfort, and didn’t restrain herself to comment on it.

“Are you warm, Anastasia?”

“Just a bit.”

“Well why don’t you take your sweater off?”

“I’d rather not.” Ana said in a biting tone.

“Why not, dear?” her mother asked, before her face changed demeanor.  A scowl crossed her lips, as she leant in towards Ana to hiss in her ear, “Don’t tell me you haven’t stopped that disgusting habit.”

That was it, Ana decided.  She could take no more.  She got up and stormed out of the room.  Bucky turned from the conversation he was having to call out to her.  She ignored him completely in her anger and kept walking.  He was right on her heels until she turned the corner and stomped out the door, slamming it behind her.  The sound bounced off the walls.  Bucky was about to run for the door, when he felt someone grab his shoulder.

“I’d give her some time, son.” Richard said.

“Do you know where she’s going?  What happened?” Bucky was frantic.

“Relax, kid, have a drink.  She won’t go far I’m sure.  She runs off a lot.”

“And that doesn’t concern you in the slightest?” Bucky asked, appalled by the reactions of Ana’s parents.  If he had a daughter of his own, and she stormed off, he would not rest until he found her, and held her until she was no longer sad.

“She’s not a good fit in our family.  She didn’t want to accept what we could give her.  If you ask me, that’s ungrateful.  She went about causing a scene when I wouldn’t let her go to NYU, all to end it by running off and joining the military with no consent from me or her mother.  The grief that child has caused her mother and I is almost unexplainable.”

Bucky was pissed now.  He stared Richard down.  Being a good three inches taller gave him an advantage in making a very prideful man feel small.  His eyes were so stern, but he kept his tone even, never raising it once.

“With all due respect, sir, I think you’re horribly mistaken.  Ana actually came here tonight against her better judgement, which I now understand, to tell you about her life and all you’ve done is ridicule her.  She’s served her country, and made sacrifices you wouldn’t believe.  She is far more intelligent than any Yale graduate in my opinion, and yet you still said such cruel things to her.  If that’s any hint as to how she spent the first seventeen years of her life with you, I can say I absolutely understand why she would run away.  You are no father to her anymore, and shouldn’t have any part in her life from this point on.”

Bucky stormed out the front door.  He was halfway up the driveway to call a cab when I voice from the porch caught his attention.

Logan jogged to catch up with him.

“Look, my mom just told me what happened, and you’re probably too angry for me to tell you right now so I think we should focus on finding Ana.”

Bucky nodded solemnly.

“I think I know where she went.  The bar a few blocks down.” Logan said, “Follow me and we’ll take the car.”

 

Logan had been correct, Bucky realized, as he entered the bar they had come to.  Ana was on a stool, slumped over and staring into her glass.  Bucky approached her slowly, and placed his hand on her shoulder.  Ana met his eyes with her own tearful gaze.  

“Hey, doll,” He said, “want to go home now?”

Ana shrugged his hand off, nearly falling out of her seat when she did so.

“I’m not done yet.” She groaned, her words slow and slurred from the alcohol.

“I think we should get you home and to bed, darling.”

“Noooo!” Ana slurred, trying to move away from him, and again nearly falling out of her chair.  Bucky actually had to catch her this time or her face would have an unfortunate meeting with the floor.  When he finally got a hold on her, she went entirely slack against him and he had to support her just to sit up.

“How many drinks have you had?!” Bucky exclaimed incredulously, knowing she couldn’t have been here very long.

“Only... three!“ Ana slurred again, holding up three of her fingers.

“Don’t lie to me, Ana.” Bucky scolded, “This is serious.”

“She’s not lying.” The bartender who was cleaning a glass nearby interjected, “She’s only had three since she’s been here.”

Bucky turned his attention to Ana again.  “Well I’m still taking you home.”

“No!” Ana screamed, scratching at him, “I won’t go back there!  Did you hear what they said about me?!”

“No, not that home, Ana.  Your real home.  Our home.”

Ana giggled.  “I didn’t go to college because they wouldn’t let me.  I had to run away!”

“I know.” Bucky whispered, picking her up.

“They didn’t want me to be a writer.” She droned on, “They thought it was a waste of time.”

“You know it’s not.”

“Well they thought sooo… “  Ana giggled again as Bucky put her down in the car.  “Logan!” she squealed.

Logan sighed, “I forgot to tell you my sister’s a total lightweight.” he said.

“No kidding.” Bucky said, sliding into the backseat with Ana and buckling her seatbelt for her.  She leaned her head on his shoulder.

“You know what the worst thing was?” she said, starting to look tearful, “When they said they’d send me away?  To be fixed, you know?”

Bucky had a small idea of what she could mean.  He looked toward Logan, and the expression he wore was so grave Bucky thought he’d seen a ghost.  Clearly he didn’t want to talk about it.  When they got to the house, Logan offered to drive them back to New York, rather than call a cab.

“Yeah, and if you’ll let me, I think there’s something I should explain to you.”

 

Logan was making the drive back to the city, while Ana was finally passed out in the back seat.  Bucky sat shotgun now, listening to Logan explain Ana’s outburst from earlier.

“Even when Ana was younger, she was a little different.  She didn’t see the need for all the things we had.  As you could probably guess, she didn’t care about much more than books, coffee, and guns.”

Bucky chuckled a bit at that.  It definitely matched the description of the Ana he knew and loved.

“She grew up bullied in school, and spent a lot of time to herself.   After I went away to college, she told me she’d quit the gymnastics team.  I didn’t understand until I came home for Thanksgiving, and I found some scars on her wrist.  She promised she’d stop so I left it at that.  I think she did stop, until she applied for college.  She didn’t want to go to Yale like me and my dad.  All she wanted was to go to NYU and study journalism and writing.  Not the choice career path for someone from a family of real estate and insurance businessmen.  So my parents told her they’d never accept it.  After that argument I caught her running to her room and cutting again.  I was scared for my little sister, and I know now I shouldn’t have done what I did but I told my mom what I saw.  I thought maybe she’d realize how much they were hurting their daughter, but no.  She told my dad and they were both angry.  They threatened Ana.  Telling her they’d send her to a mental hospital if she didn’t “pull herself together”  So that night she took a train and found me at Yale.  She told me she was joining the Marines and I begged her not to go but she did.  And I didn’t see her for about a year.” Logan sighed, finally ending his story, “I guess she got worse after she left.” he said, and Bucky nodded.

“I’m glad she has you, though.  You two are a great couple.”

“How did you-- ?”

Logan laughed, “Please, my sister’s never looked at anyone the way she looks at you.”

The car pulled up in front of the tower and Bucky thanked Logan.

Logan nodded, “No problem.  I’ll be honest; I know who you are, and I was a bit skeptical of you at first, but you’re definitely the kind of of guy my sister deserves.”

Bucky hadn’t known this guy very long, but he knew he was a nice guy, and Ana cared about him too, which only made him more grateful of the complement.

“Thank you, Logan.  I love your sister very much, and I know she loves you too.  I’ll have her call you tomorrow as soon as she’s sober.”

Logan laughed, “yeah, have fun with that one.”

Bucky got out of his seat to unbuckle Ana and wake her up.  He carried her bridal style, turning to give one last wave goodbye to Logan before entering the tower.  

Ana was flailing her arms and singing loudly through the lobby.

“Anything you say, can and will be held against youuu, so only say my naaaaame, it will be held against you…  Cause I’d trade all myyy tomorrows for just one yesterdaaaay!”

Bucky sighed as they got in the elevator.  All he needed to do was get Ana in bed so he could go and sleep himself.

“Good Evening, Mr. Barnes.” JARVIS announced.  That couldn’t be good.

“Yes, Jarvis?”

“Mister Stark apologizes for interrupting so late, but he wishes to speak to you on the main floor.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and looked down at Ana.  She was still drunk off her ass and quite frankly, he didn’t want to leave her alone after the night she’d had.  

“Tell him to make some coffee.” he replied

 

When Bucky carried Ana off the elevator, she was still singing to herself and giggling maniacally.

“Well, someone’s chipper tonight.” Tony remarked with a smirk.  He’d brought Pepper with him, who gave him a disapproving look for his comment.

“She’s drunk.” Bucky stated, placing Ana on the couch, and helping her sit up long enough to sip from a mug of fresh coffee.

“I take it dinner didn’t go well.” Pepper guessed, to which Bucky nodded.

Pepper took Bucky’s place, forcing Ana to drink a mug of coffee (not a difficult task, really), and then helped her upstairs to bed.  Tony and Bucky sat at the kitchen table.

“So, Pepper has been working all day to get this media spill cleaned up.  However, the footage seemed to have caught the attention of some people who might try and expose it in a negative way.”

“Ross.” Bucky spat.

“Him, and a few other shady lowlifes.  Basically, we can try and empty our pockets until they give up, or clean this up with a press conference, get the public on our side.”

“Ana won’t like that.” Bucky stated.

“I know, and I wouldn’t want her going out like this either, with all that’s going on, but it may be her only hope of keeping things as normal as they can be.”

Bucky let out a breath, “We’re not normal; we should all just accept it at this point.  But I will talk to her.” He said, rising from his chair.  He thanked Pepper for her help, and the three of them retreated to their own rooms.  Bucky fell into his bed with the dread of the inevitably horrible conversation topic he was going to have to bring up to a very hungover Ana in the morning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry for posting so late. Life has been crazy for me lately, but on the bright side, I was accepted into college! I can't wait to start my new adventure, and hopefully not having to stress about my applications anymore will leave me with more time and inspiration to write :)


	13. I Wanted to Take You Dancing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Ana go on their first real date!

The last thing Ana remembered clearly, was Bucky dragging her out of the bar.  The rest of the night was a blur.  She couldn’t divide her real memories from her intoxicated dreams.  She went to sleep with her mind clouded and light, and woke up with it dull and foggy.  The small stream of light coming through the curtains felt like it was splitting her skull in half.  She rolled out of bed.  Upon hitting the floor she observed the bed she had been sleeping in was not her own.  She blinked away the remaining fuzziness of sleep, and fumbled towards the bathroom.  She flipped on the light, and noticed despite what she would have guessed, she wasn’t in her clothes from last night.  She was in a pair of light cotton pajama bottoms and a t-shirt.  

_ ‘I was way too drunk to put these on last night.’ _ Ana thought to herself.

Just a small sliver of a memory came back to her.  She shrugged it off, however, and simply grabbed her cardigan to cover her arms before she went downstairs.  Steve and Bucky were the only ones up.  Ana realized it actually was pretty early, and while all she wanted was to crawl back in bed and sleep the day away, her headache was never going to allow that.  So instead she wobbled over to a barstool at the island and put her head down on the counter.  She felt a hand on her shoulder and a soft voice.

“Coffee?”

Ana gave a barely noticeable nod but the message seemed to get across because only seconds later there was a steaming mug at her fingertips along with two aspirin courtesy of Tony, who must have entered the room shortly after Ana.  She swallowed both quickly, ignoring the wave of nausea that passed through her from the smell of the coffee.  

“Can I get you anything to eat, Ana?” Steve asked.

“I’ll eat anything.” Ana mumbled back.

Steve piled some pancakes on her plate which she ate slowly.  Steve and Tony had long since left the kitchen but Bucky stayed to sit with Ana.

Ana sat in silence for some of the time, but eventually couldn’t help asking the question she’d been wondering since she woke up.  

“What happened after we left the bar last night?”

“Well, Logan drove us home.  And then I had to carry you inside.”

“Was Pepper there or was that just a dream?”

“No, she was there.  Helped you get into bed.” Bucky said, drinking his coffee.

“She did?” Ana said with a hint of panic.  The image in the back of her mind seemed more plausible now.

“Yes?” Bucky replied, “Is that a problem.  Tony wanted to talk to me, and I know you didn’t want anyone to know about us yet so I thought… “

“No, it’s fine.” Ana interjected, “I understand what you were thinking it’s just… I didn’t… not this way… “ Ana groaned, putting her head in her hands.

“Doll, what’s wrong?” Bucky inquired, rubbing her back.

Ana looked at him incredulously, as if saying  _ ‘how did you not notice?’ _

“Umm, I’m not wearing the same clothes as yesterday; and Pepper was the last one who saw me.”

“Oh?” Bucky’s brow furrowed in confusion, then the realization struck him, “Oh!” his eyes went wide, “Do you want to talk to her about it?”

Ana shrugged, “I don’t know.  Who’s to say she didn’t know anyway?  She’s Tony’s girlfriend after all and he knows, but still, I don’t want anyone to just find out like  _ that _ .  God only knows what she’s thinking.”

“She’d never think bad of you, doll.  None of us would.”  Bucky consoled.  

Ana stared blankly at the remaining pancakes on her plate.  

“I just want to get out of here.” she mumbled.

“If you want, we can go somewhere to take your mind off of this.” Bucky offered.

“Like a date?”

Bucky grinned, “I guess so.  Our first real date.”

“What are we gonna do?” Ana asked.

“I don’t know.” Bucky replied.  Suddenly he realized he hadn’t really thought of anything special.  He and Ana used to go out and do things together all the time, but dates were meant to be special, right?  What would they do that they hadn’t done already.

“How about dinner?” Bucky proposed, “Somewhere special, fancy.”

“Sounds nice.” Ana scoffed, “But there’s a sea of press and and paparazzi down on street level.

“What’s wrong?” Bucky asked.

“Nothing, it’s just, how are we going to go out anywhere without anyone seeing us?  Especially with all this media stuff going on right now?  Sam said the reporters were swarming the outside of the lobby.” she scrubbed her hands over her face, “This is exactly why I didn’t want this to happen.  I didn’t want to feel trapped again!”

Bucky kissed Ana’s nose, “You worry too much.  Please just say yes, I’ll take care of everything.”

Ana returned his kiss, “Okay, fine.  Yes.”

He now debated telling Ana about Ross.  Proposing a press conference to her right now would only make her more upset.  However, if they didn’t clear this up soon, it would turn into a mess.

“Ana,” Bucky started, clearing his throat, “there’s something… “ he paused to find the right words.  JARVIS interrupted however.

“Miss Collette, a package has arrived for you.  Shall I send it up?”

Bucky breathed a sigh of relief.  Saved by the bell.

“I didn’t order a package, Jarvis.”

“Nevertheless, it is addressed to you.”

“Alright, send it up.”

“It has been successfully delivered to your flat, Miss Collette.”

 

Ana got off the barstool she was sitting on to seek out the mystery package.  She had thought she might have ordered a book or something on Amazon and forgotten about it.  Instead she got a surprise.  Sitting there in her living room, was an old black trunk with decals and stickers plastered all over.  Bucky watched as she gasped with joy, kneeling in front of the trunk and softly tracing her fingers over it as if unsure of its reality.

As her hands grazed the sides of the trunk, she found an envelope taped there.  She quickly tore it open and pulled out the letter.  It was brief, written in neat penmanship as follows:

 

_ Ana, _

_ I apologize for last night.  Mom and I are not on speaking terms after what happened.  I wanted to send this home with you last night but after we’d gone out looking for you I completely forgot about it.  I had it shipped as soon as I possibly could.  I’m sorry it’s not everything but I saved what I could.   _

 

_ Love you,  _

_ Logan _

 

Ana carefully folded the note and placed it on her coffee table.  Then she clicked the latch of the trunk open.  She had tears in the corners of her eyes as she peered inside.

“What’s in it?” Bucky asked, kneeling next to her.

“Just some old memory stuff.” She said, “Pictures and other sentimental garbage.”

Bucky laughed, “Don’t take that stuff for granted, I wish I still had some photos of my Ma or sisters”

Ana pulled out some pictures.  School photos, family photos, and some other things.

Ana smiled as she pulled out some worn copies of children’s books.  She trailed her fingers lightly over the pages, like she was afraid they’d disappear. “My grandma used to read to me all the time.” she said with a smile.  She dug further in the box and found some letters and pictures, she looked over them while a sparkling glint of something metal caught his eye.  He reached in and pulled out a chain with two metal tabs hanging on the end.  He held them up high, with a look of astonishment.

“You were in the army?” He asked.

Ana looked up, her eyes locked on the dog tags in his hand, “Marines, actually.” She said, turning the dog tags over in his hand so he could see the earth and anchor logo etched into it.  She pulled out some more photos.  Herself at boot camp graduation, one of her sitting on a tank, cleaning her rifle, and so many other things.  Each photo was taken with excellent precision, in fantastic lighting.

“They were taken by my… friend, Ryan.”

“You’ve never said anything.”

“Really? I’m sure I mentioned it.  It was a long time ago though.” Ana shrugged, “I enlisted right out of high school, at seventeen.  Didn’t even go to my graduation.”

Now that he thought about it, Bucky did remember Ana mentioning something about the military, but he hadn’t paid it much attention then.

Ana dug further in the box, shuffling through old photos, knick knacks, and sketches, until she heard a rattling sound.  Her face fell.  She clutched a small box to her chest.

“These were my first tools.” She mumbled.  She took a deep breath and set them aside, peering into the trunk once more.

“I can’t believe he found all these!” She exclaimed, pulling out some leather bound journals and old school notebooks, “I thought I hid them so well.”

“What are those?” Bucky inquired.

Ana chuckled, flipping a few pages in one of the journals.  “I loved keeping journals, and just writing in general.”

Bucky reached for one, “Really?” 

Ana lunged at him before he could open it. “No! Don’t read that!”

“What? Why not?”

“Cause it’s all stupid teenage stuff or fantasy drabbles or romance fanfiction where Pete Wentz falls in love with me!”

Bucky had already peered at the first page before she could stop him though.

‘The sky is grey and gloomy as I feel.  I feel trapped in time while the rest of the world spins on without me.’ He read aloud.  Ana was blushing furiously as he turned more pages.

‘The city calls to me.  I don’t know what it is but I need to go there.  Maybe for a chance to be a part of something bigger, or maybe just to get lost in the crowd and disappear.’

A few more pages…

‘It’s beautiful here.  The lights, the sounds, even the smells feel like heaven.  I’m sad to go, because I know I may not return.  But this is my only way out of a place where I’m a prisoner, not a citizen.  I’d rather die free than live defeated.’

“Babe, this is beautiful.  You wrote from your heart.  Why are you so ashamed of it?”

“Because that last entry… “ Ana said with tears in her eyes, “was what I wrote in the plane after I left home.”

“Why is that so wrong?”

“Because!” Ana said, the tears flowing freely now, “I didn’t enlist in the military for patriotism or my country’s honor.  I just did it to get out of my house!  And being around American heroes like you and Steve all the time just rubs that in my face!”

Bucky’s face changed to an emotion Ana couldn’t even describe, he pulled her into his lap and pushed her hair out of her eyes.  “Ana, you should never, ever feel that way.  You chose to serve.  So many people enlist for many reasons and yours was just as valid.  To tell you the truth, I used to feel a lot like you do now.  I was drafted.  I didn’t want to go.  But in the end I know I did some good.  We won, didn’t we?”

Ana shrugged.  

“I know this won’t be a good time to bring it up, but I can’t put it off much longer.” Bucky continued with a sigh.  Ana was full alert now, “What’s going on?”

Bucky tried, honestly.  He was going to tell her Tony’s idea.  He was not going to chicken out.  Ana needed to know.

“Umm... Tony has a proposal for you.”

Great job, Barnes. “What is it?” Ana asked.

“Well… uh… it’s sort of a… “ Bucky choked out, trying to say it nicely.

Ana momentarily forgot all about what was happening as she gasped loudly.

“I need to call Logan and thank him!” She exclaimed, “Hang on, I need to do that then I’ll go talk to Tony.”

Bucky sighed out of relief.  Good.  It was Tony’s problem now.

Ana and Bucky entered Tony’s workshop.  He and Bruce were there, typing away on holographic screens.  Tony grinned when he saw Ana.

“Stasia! You look lovely as always! And Barnes, you look just as much like yourself as always.  Ana, I have some schematics for your new rifle if you want to see.”  He dragged her over to a screen.  Any kind of new tech got Tony as excited as a little kid at Disneyland.  “I lengthened the barrel to give it the effect—“

“Was this your proposal?  Bucky made it sound more serious than a new gun.”

Tony stopped, looking from Bucky to Ana again.

“Oh. That.  I thought Barnes was gonna tell you.  Oh well.  Yes, about that.  Pepper received word that some political scumbags are taking interest in your story.  She thinks a press conference might be able to keep them from using anything against us.”

“How?  I-I don’t understand.”

“If we tell the truth first, the rumors will hopefully die off.”

“But I don’t even know what to do at a press conference, and I hate public speaking.”

“I’m sure you’d do just fine.” Tony tried to argue.

“No, you don’t understand.  I really, really can’t do this.”

“It’s better to have everyone hear the truth from you first.  Ross won’t hesitate to make this footage something it’s not.” Bruce chimed in.  Ana didn’t know Ross personally.  She’d only heard horror stories from other Avengers; and based on that, she definitely didn’t want to meet him.  She tried helplessly to fight back her tears before she spoke again.

 

“But I wouldn’t know what to say.  How do you just go out and say, ‘Hi, I’m Anastasia and I’ve been working undercover with the Avengers for three years because they dragged me away from a Hydra training camp’?!”

“We stretch the truth a little.” Tony explained.

“Okay, now you’ve really got the wrong person.  I cannot lie.  It’s why I’m a sniper and not a spy.  I cannot do this… please don’t make me do this.” she begged.  Her voice sounded small and afraid.  She was visibly trembling and holding back every urge to run or fight or punch something.  Bucky knew then it was time to intervene.  However, Bruce interjected first.

“Ana, no one is going to force you to do anything, but Tony does have a good point.  You should consider the consequences.”

Ana nodded solemnly, still trying to calm down from her outburst.  

“If you want,” Tony offered, “Pepper and I can make sure it’s a no questions panel.  Or have any questions filtered.  And it’s not like you’d be alone.  I’d be with you, and maybe even Steve or Nat.”

Ana nodded again, trying to process the information given to her.  After a few minutes, Tony had convinced her, on a few conditions:

The press conference be small and private.

Tony, Pepper, Steve, and Nat would be there.  Bucky would be in attendance, but not actively talking to the press.

She was not required to make any claims that weren’t true.

 

Tony gave her his word that if any conditions were broken, the press conference would be called off immediately.  PR was important, but not as important as her wellbeing.

Tony and Ana left shortly to discuss details of the press conference with Pepper.

 

“Thanks for interrupting earlier.” Bucky told Bruce.

“No problem.  Tony means well, he just doesn’t always know how to say things the right way.”

Bucky scoffed, “You got that right.” he stared blankly ahead for almost a full minute.

“You alright?”

“What?  Oh! Yeah… I just-- I’m--”

“Worried about Ana?”

“Yeah, I didn’t expect her to freak out like that.  I mean, she’s freaked out in front of me, even at me before, but never at teammates.  It’s just not her.”

“The kind of withdrawal she’s probably experiencing can make people irritable.” Bruce stated.  Bucky gave him an incredulous look.

“Tony told me about her problem.” he explained.

“Of course he did.” Bucky growled.

“He wasn’t gossiping.” Bruce defended, “He actually wanted my ‘professional’ opinion.  I still can’t convince him I’m not that kind of doctor, but he did seem very concerned.  I told him what I could.

“Which was?”

“That all the warning signs he suspected were accurate.  And that most people who cut are usually looking to distract themselves from emotional pain through physical pain.  When an individual injures themself, the brain releases endorphins which can almost give someone a ‘high’ feeling.  It gets addictive after a while, which is why sudden stopping can lead to irritability.  It’s not uncommon for people experiencing that kind of withdrawal to be… moody.”

“Oh.” Bucky mumbled, a bit dumbfounded by his lack of knowledge, “Shouldn’t she feel better if she’s not cutting though?”

Bruce shrugged, “She may not be cutting, but she’s not coping either.”

Bucky had so many questions at this point.  But the one burning on his mind was, “What is she trying to cope with?”

Bruce sighed, “Bucky, I’m not that kind of doctor.  If you have more questions, I happen to know one of the head psychologists at SHIELD.  I could give you her number so you could talk to her.”

“No.” Bucky barked too quickly, but suddenly reconsidered his answer.  “I mean, I wouldn’t want to bother her.”

“It wouldn’t be a bother.  This is her job, and she’s plenty of cases like Ana’s before.”

Bruce scribbled a name and number across a sheet of paper.  Bucky folded the paper and stuffed it into his pocket. 

Ana sat in her bedroom, clothes strewn everywhere, shoes as well, and still she couldn’t decide on a thing to wear.  She had no clue what Bucky had in mind, and therefore didn’t know if she should be formal or casual.  She was secretly hoping for the latter, simply because her closet was so limited in formal attire.  She didn’t own anything black tie or ‘evening’ related.  A couple businessy outfits, and one cocktail dress was all she had, and the dress was not going to work because it didn’t have sleeves.  Ana was at a loss, especially because she couldn’t call Nat or Pepper for help.  She thought of just asking him what to wear, but she didn’t want to seem… helpless.  She went through her closet once more, thinking of how she could pull off wearing tights and a cardigan over her dress, when an idea struck her. 

“JARVIS? is Bucky in his apartment?”

“Yes, Miss Collette.”

“Could you, by any chance… tell me what he’s wearing?”

“Nothing, at the moment.” 

Ana blushed furiously at the thought.  She cleared her throat, “Do you know what he’s planning on wearing?”

“I’m afraid not.”

Ana sighed.  She should not be panicking this much over her clothes and hair!  She was a grown adult dammit! With one more frustrated sigh she decided to focus on her hair and makeup instead.  Her luck wasn’t much better with that.  She had smudged her eyeliner and she was so nervous that her hands just wouldn’t stop shaking.  She was trying to steady herself enough to try eyeliner one more time, when she heard a knock on her door.  She quickly made sure her robe was in place before answering, “Come in.”

Wanda popped her head into the bedroom.

“Hi, Ana!  JARVIS let me in; I hope you don’t mind.  Some of us are going to a movie tonight an-- You’re going on a date!” She exclaimed, pointing at Ana.

Ana nodded.  No point in denying it when her room presently looked like a scene from a cliche teen romance movie.

“Oh my goodness Ana! It’s Bucky, isn’t it?”

“What?! How do you know?!”

“Please,” Wanda said passively, “It’s quite obvious he likes you, and that  _ you _ like him.”

Ana sighed.  No point in trying to lie to someone who could see her mind.

“Well he’s not going to like my hair or outfit.”   
Wanda darted over to where Ana sat in front her bathroom mirror.  “Let me help! Please?” 

“Be my guest.”

Wanda waved her fingers in a delicate motion, and the eyeliner levitated from the counter, and was gracefully applied to Ana’s eyes with ease.  Mascara followed the same process, then blush.  The floating makeup applied itself gently and gave a natural and graceful appearance.  Ana was amazed.  No wonder Wanda’s eye makeup always looked so flawless.  

“Thank you so much,” Ana breathed, examining her face from every angle, growing more and more pleased with the magic makeup, “You are so doing my makeup for the press conference.”

“Of course.” Wanda replied, she helped Ana pull back the front part of her hair, and pin it in place. “But now we must choose an outfit.”

Ana groaned audibly.

“Miss Collette,” JARVIS’ cool, calm tone interjected, “Mister Barnes is on his way.”

“Here.  Wear this.” Wanda said, pushing a dress and tights in Ana’s direction.  It was a long sleeve dark green dress she had nearly forgot she owned at all.  The skirt flared out and stopped a few inches above her knees.  The tights were a good precaution though.  Now the only obstacle was the shoes.  Luckily Wanda had taken care of that while Ana was changing in the bathroom.  She set out the perfect pair of black ankle boots, and a simple but elegant gold necklace and earrings.  

Once she was fully dressed, Wanda stepped back to check her work.  Ana held her breath while her friend’s eyes glanced up and down.

“Perfect!” She finally announced, “Now, go! Bucky is waiting!  I’ll go after the two of you have left.”

Ana smiled, “Thank you.” she mouthed as she slipped out the door.  Her heart was pounding the whole way down the stairs, and her stomach felt like it was in knots.   _ ‘There’s nothing to worry about. _ ’ she tried to convince herself.  Bucky was her best friend in the entire world, and now her boyfriend, she shouldn’t be scared to see him.  With a trembling hand she turned the doorknob.

Bucky stood before her, dressed in a baby blue shirt and a dark blue blazer, grinning from ear to ear.

“You ready, doll?”

I guess so.” Ana mumbled.  He offered her his arm, like the old fashioned gentleman he truly was underneath all the scruff and scowls.  Ana graciously accepted and they strode off down the hall together.  Ana was so taken with his eyes sparkling, his hair so tediously smoothed and styled, and his dazzling smile, that she nearly forgot where she was.  That is, until they got in the elevator.  He reached to push a button, but she stopped him.

“Wait.  The reporters, and the team, someone could see us this way.”

Bucky gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, “Fair point, but I told you I would take care of everything.  If we can’t go down, we’ll just go up.”  He pressed the button for the roof.  Ana let the ride continue in silence, but held a firm grasp on his arm.  When the doors opened, the sight before her took her breath away.  

Fairy lights hung low from some beams, creating a soft glow over the patio.  There was a table set with some marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers, and the small fire pit with low, crackling flames gave her a hint to their purpose.  There was also a movie screen set up, and massive amounts of blankets and pillows.

“Bucky, this is beautiful.” Ana breathed.

“I had JARVIS help.” Bucky said with a grin, “You said you felt trapped, so I wanted to give you an escape.  I wanted to take you dancing, but that didn’t seem like an option with the paparazzi and all, and it’s a clear night so I thought this would be a good alternative.”

Ana smiled, “And wherever would we be escaping to, Mr. Barnes?”

“Anywhere you want.  Rome, London, or even a galaxy far, far, away.” 

Ana looked at the stack of DVDs he had brought.  Star Wars, Star Trek, Roman Holiday, Jurassic Park, a bunch of James Bond movies, and even some Disney classics.

Ana laughed, “That’s a lot of movies to watch in one night.”

“I couldn’t decide on one, so I brought them all.” He said with the most genuine and true smile she’d ever seen on him. 

“I love you.” Ana said, she couldn’t think of anything else to say.  Everything was so perfect.  She couldn’t have asked for a better first date.  Bucky returned her proclamations with a chaste kiss, “I love you too.”

 

“Did you really like it?” Bucky asked after their movie was over.

Ana’s face glowed, “It was wonderful.  I’m sorry we can’t do a night on the town, you seemed pretty set on dancing earlier.”

“Oh, I still plan on dancing.” Bucky replied mischievously as he grabbed Ana’s hand and pulled her close.  Music filled the air between the two of them.  An upbeat song Ana wasn’t at all familiar with.  He took one of her hands and placed his other around her waist.  

“What are you doing?” Ana asked.

“Just follow my lead.” He said.  He led her through the steps of the first few songs.  They were both experienced dancers, and occasionally tried some interesting dips or twirls.  They were laughing and smiling the whole time.  Ana was beginning to wonder why she was so worried at all.  Eventually a slow song started to play.  Bucky held his eyes on Ana the whole time.  Knowing firsthand how awful it was to forget the things you most want to remember, he took the time to cement this moment in his brain.  He committed to memory the way she looked her emerald dress that matched so perfectly with her eyes, which were for once visible, rather than hidden by her hair, which cascaded down her back, and the rhythm of the song they danced to, the feeling of the soft breeze against his neck, and the glow of the city lights flickering across the starless sky.

“You look amazing, by the way.” he told her

“Thanks,” Ana whispered, feeling her cheeks burn, “so do you.”

She pulled away, leaving her arms around his neck, so she could tangle them softly in his hair.  They swayed with the music for a few more moments, then Bucky leaned down to kiss her.  Ana returned the kiss with deep passion, placing her hands on his cheeks and pulling him closer to her.  It had felt awkward at first, when only their lips touched.  But when they were close together wrapped in an embrace it all felt so natural.  When he held her, and she felt his arms around her, it felt safe.  Perfect in every way.  It felt like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, Ana is going through a lot of changes right now. Between her identity exposure and her relationship with Bucky, she will probably go through a lot in the next few chapters. I'll be honest, I've been having rough days and losing a lot of sleep recently because of all the changes in my own life. While those days provide me with a lot of inspiration, they also mean I'm sometimes too busy or sometimes even too frustrated to write anything worth reading. I also will be travelling a lot in the next couple months, which also makes updates slow. Again, thank you to everyone who has left kudos and comments, they always encourage me to keep writing!


	14. Avocado Cupcakes?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ana makes an appearance at a press conference, officially stating her title as an Avenger. Steve runs into an old enemy looking to stir up trouble. Then there are cupcakes.

Pepper had once thought keeping track of Tony was hard work.  She’d turn away for a second and when she looked again he’d be at the bar, or in a corner with some woman, or occasionally just vanish.  Needless to say, she thought Tony Stark was the worst charge she could have.  Today, however, she realized she may have been very wrong. 

“Have you seen Ana?” She asked Steve and Natasha.  She was using what the team referred to as the ‘mommy tone’.  Mostly used exclusively in reference or direction to Tony, it was soft and calm but usually meant she was about four seconds away from losing her shit. 

Natasha pointed in the direction of the bathroom.  Pepper nodded stiffly and turned on her heel.  Ana was just exiting the bathroom as Pepper approached. 

“Ana, honey, I’ve been looking all over for you!” She said, grabbing her arm, “We’re almost ready to start.” She deposited the young girl with Nat, hoping she wouldn’t run off again. 

Ana’s eyes darted all over the room, not focusing on any one abject long enough to even know what it was.  She was ghost white and literally trembling.  She started to take a few steps in a random direction.  Natasha called her name and Ana whirled her head around.  There was no better ‘deer in the headlights’ expression than the one she wore at the moment. 

“Why don’t you sit down?” Natasha suggested.  Ana nodded and numbly obeyed.  Natasha sat next to her and placed an arm around her in a comforting hug. 

“Stage fright?” she inquired.

“No.”

“I can feel your heart pounding, Ana.  It’s okay to be nervous, just breathe.”

Ana took one shaky breath and it did absolutely nothing for her.  She sat wringing her hands and twirling her hair.  Steve was next to try and help, but all Ana really wanted was to be alone and far away.  If Pepper hadn’t found her earlier her next move would have been to run out the back door and get on a flight to Japan (no joke), so Steve’s encouragement was not at all welcome. 

“This was a terrible idea.” Ana mumbled to herself.  Natasha muttered something in Steve’s ear.  He nodded and vanished, returning a few minutes later with Bucky at his side.

“Hey, doll.” He whispered.

“Hey.” Ana mumbled back. 

Natasha and Steve left them alone.  Knowing the only one who might be able to talk some sense into her right now was Bucky. 

“You look a little pale.”

“I don’t feel that great.”

“I know, but it won’t be that bad.  Tony and Steve are gonna take most of the questions, and you’ve got your notes right?”

Ana nodded.  “See?  It’s all gonna be okay.  So just take a deep breath.”

Ana took another attempt at breathing deeply, it went smoother than the last, but she still felt her stomach in knots and lightheaded. 

Pepper approached them finally, and Ana really considered running this time, but Bucky’s grip on her hand kept her from doing so. 

Pepper herself was now looking a bit concerned.

“Are you alright, Ana?” She hadn’t meant to be so passive before but these events needed so much supervision she hadn’t thought to check on how Ana was processing all this.

“I’m fine.  Is it time?”

Pepper nodded, “Follow me.” She instructed.

Ana followed her away from Bucky to a room with a platform with a table and some chairs set up.  More chairs in rows faced the table, and hanging from the ceiling were projectors and screens.  Ana couldn’t say she was surprised Stark towers would have a room specifically for these kinds of events, but looking out into the conference room still amazed her. Ana was waiting at the foot of the small platform, hiding behind Pepper and Natasha while she nervously observed her surroundings.  Cameras were placed all over from every angle, and the room was stocked with an abundance of eager looking reporters and newscasters, armed with tape recorders and notepads, waiting for her words, which to them were worth as much as gold.  The thought made her only more anxious about what she could say, or how she could slip up.  What really caught her attention though, was Bucky beaming at her from the very back of the room.  Even though she was pretty sure she was about to pass out, at least his gorgeous eyes would be the last thing she saw.  Thinking of that eased her mind for a second, until Tony called the press conference to start.

“With the recent footage from Copenhagen,” he began, reading from a small holographic screen floating above the table, “I’m sure there are a lot of questions.  On behalf of the Avengers Initiative, Captain Rogers and myself would like to address these issues.”

There was a collective murmur from the crowd, but Tony held his hand up and silence fell over the room again.

“The Avengers was started as a collection of highly trained individuals who would collaborate to retaliate against threats of the extraterrestrial and supernatural.  Since their origin, the Avengers have grown.  With additions like Wanda Maximoff, also known as Scarlet Witch, and Scott Lang, or Ant-Man, our team gains more talent and knowledge.  While we don’t accept applications or resumes, sometimes and opportunity arises to recruit a new member with the talent and potential for saving the world.  After all, some of us will have to retire eventually.”

Steve was the next to make a statement, “It is true we are training new recruits.  We need people on our team who can remain out of sight to gather intel.  I am here to confirm that the footage from Copenhagen is indeed of our newest Avenger.  She was kept out of the public eye for the sake of her family and privacy during her transition into the team.  So I would like to introduce the newest member to the Avengers team, Anastasia Collette.”

Ana felt a hand in between her shoulder blades, pushing her towards the stage.  She managed to walk up the steps to the platform without tripping.  But then there was an uproar from the crowd, and camera flashes like a thousand bolts of lightning all at once.  She looked out at the sea of people, and seriously considered how bad it would be to run out of the building, crawl into bed, and disappear.  But nevertheless, she sat in her chair next to Tony and tried to focus on something on the back wall, a trick her teacher had taught her for the performance of her fourth-grade class play.

Ana tugged on the sleeves of her grey sweater, and tried to remind herself what Pepper had told her.  Tony would moderate questions.  Just stick to the notes.  Just listen to Tony and Steve and don’t miss any cues.

 

After the crowd had been silenced again, Ana had to blink a few times to shake the green spots from her vision.  She shakily read her statement, claiming that she had been a member of the Avengers for about two years, that she was specially trained, and her duties including intel and tech design.  It was straightforward and to the point.  Pepper had helped her write something that was truthful, but still didn’t tell all.

When Ana finished, she let out a breath she’d been holding for far too long.  The worst was over, she supposed.  All that was left was questions, and Tony had promised to moderate.  The first few questions were simple. Basically clarifications of the statements.  Finally, a question made Ana perk up a bit.

“Miss Collette, were you trained in a similar style to the black widow? Are you KGB as well?”

Tony gave a glance in her direction, silently asking if she wanted to answer.  She nodded, before speaking into the microphone.

“I can assure you, I am not, nor was I ever KGB.  I am an American citizen, trained in combat through special agencies of the US government.”

“How did you come into contact with the Avengers?”

Tony gave Ana another curious glance, and she nodded again.

“I was recruited after, for lack of a better term, retiring, from secret agent work.”

“How long have you been working with the Avengers?”

“A little over a year… but like I said, I don’t do much field work.”

“How many Avengers are there? And does the group intend on expanding further?”

This question I deferred.  I couldn’t answer that anyway.  Tony eloquently took the question, “To answer the last question, yes, the Avengers do plan on expanding if the circumstances ever allow.  Personally, I’d love to let someone younger handle this stuff.  Being an Avenger is great, if you don't any vacation time or sick days.” Some members of the crowd laughed.  The next few questions progressed with ease, until one journalist chose to get too bold.

“What is your opinion of or connection with Hydra?  Your violent reaction in Copenhagen seems to indicate a history.”  Ana froze at the question, trying to stammer out an answer.

Steve quickly answered, “No comment.” The press moved on quickly, and the meeting closed soon after. 

 

 

When Ana exited the stage, she was still shaking.  She quickly excused herself to the bathroom so she could calm down.  A good thing, Steve realized.  As upon exiting the panel, he noticed the menacing sneer of an old adversary.  Steve did his best not to engage, keeping his eyes on the wall in front of him as he marched passed General Ross.

“Great press conference, wasn’t it?”

Steve set his jaw, not slowing his stride.

“But you left out a few things.”

He picked up his pace slightly, clenching his fist.

“But I guess telling the press your newest team member has more than just a small connection to Hydra doesn’t really get the public on your side.”

Steve stopped in his tracks.  He couldn’t help himself, being mocked is one thing, but listening to someone talk disrespectfully about his friends is where he drew the line.  One swift turn and Ross was grabbed by the lapels of his suit and slammed against the wall.

“You think you’re such a saint, Ross?  I’ll bet you’ve got more blood on your hands than she does.” Steve growled lowly.  His eyes held a fire that would have left any opponent shaking in their boots.  Ross, however, only twisted his lips into a sly grin.

“Isn’t that because most of the blood on her hands is her own?”

Steve held onto every last bit of restraint he had left to avoid decking the general right there.

“Watch your tongue, General.  I don’t care about your position, your fortune, your fame, or power.  I hate bullies.”

“I’m only stating a fact, Captain.  Don’t you know why she was discharged from the Marines early?  Why Hydra picked her up?  What happened to her first lover?”

“How do you know that?” Steve demanded.

“I have my ways, Captain.” Ross replied with a sneer, “Watch your back.  Or your girl’s gonna wind up in a mental hospital while the whole world mocks her.”

With that, Ross left.  While Steve stood there fuming, too angry and shocked to move, to think, or even breathe.  He was brought back to earth by Ana’s hand on his shoulder.  He jumped, and she looked concerned.

“You alright?” She asked.

Steve thought about answering her truthfully, but he didn’t want to scare her.  She had already been scared of him and the rest of the team finding out, so why frighten her now?  He could take care of Ross himself.  He could keep her secrets safe.

“All good.” He replied with a grin, “You ready to leave?”

 

 

Tony had decided to celebrate a successful press conference with cupcakes and, of course, alcohol.  

“Seriously, where can you even find Avocado cupcakes, Tony?” Sam asked incredulously.

“That really weird bakery in Brooklyn has them.  I had them delivered.”

Ana looked through an array of brightly colored, heavily frosted, and oddly flavored cupcakes.  Seriously, Jalepeno should not be a cupcake flavor.  She picked up a promising cupcake that at least looked like vanilla.  Only to bite in and realize it was swirled with salted caramel and sundae fudge.  She wasn’t mad though; it was delicious.

“Alright, I have an announcement.” Tony said, “I feel like with everything that’s been going on, we all deserve a break of some sort, and while we can’t always decide what days we work, we can’t wait for evil to take a break.  So, I think we should all just go.”

“Go where?” Scott asked.

“Anywhere.  A ‘family vacation’ on me.”

All at once, Steve, Nat, and Bruce tried to disagree.  “Are you sure this is the best time to leave?” Steve argued.  Meanwhile Clint and Scott would have been halfway out the door to pack their bags, had Natasha not stopped them.

“This is the best time to go!” Tony exclaimed, “If we stay here not one of us will be able to go out in public for at least a week.”

“He makes a good point.” Bucky whispered to Ana.  She had agreed.  While the threat of Hydra wasn’t completely taken care of yet, the press would only make things harder.  Maybe it would be better to get out of the city, or even the country for a bit until things calmed down.

“So Stasia, are you on my side?”

“Yes, Tony.  I’m in.  Where do you want to go?”

Tony grinned, happy to have another teammate on his side, “I have absolutely no idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Avocado cupcakes? I don't even know where you could get those! I just asked my best friend for a random cupcake flavor, and she said "Avocado!".  
> Anyway, I'm sorry this chapter was kind of short. It was more of a filler chapter to be honest. I would have posted this about a week and a half ago but I have been so busy with work lately. Then there's college to prepare for and I'm just starting to think I'm not ready for that. Overall, my life is a little disorganized right now, but I'm trying to get my shit together. I am supposed to be travelling this summer, so I am going to try to write as much as I can before then. However, travelling does not always provide me with privacy or time to write so updates may be slow. Also, I won't lie, the impending fate of moving out and going to college is putting some extra stress on me, but I have some good ideas for the next few chapters, and I can't wait to start working on them. 
> 
> One other note: I have no clue how press conferences work, so I hope I did okay.
> 
> Thank you again to everyone who read and gave kudos and comments. You make my day :)


	15. I Need A Distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ana struggles with her anxiety about her future with Bucky, and the overwhelming urges she has to self-harm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sorry for taking a million years to update, but you know how life is sometimes. I have a longer apology/explanation written at the end of the chapter, but right now I’m sure you just want to know how Bucky and Ana are doing, so read on!

One week and several arguments later, the ‘Avenger Family Vacation’ as Tony was now calling it, was ready to commence.  Finalizing a destination had been a challenge, but nevertheless the trip was happening.  Obviously with little time to plan or reserve, Tony had opted to use one of his vacation houses in Hawaii.   Ana grumbled to herself as she packed.  Swimsuit, shorts, t-shirts… Of course Tony had to go tropical.   Ana would have much rather spent a week in a cabin somewhere in the mountains; on the edge of a crystal clear lake, with the smell of pine and campfire smoke to comfort her while she sat on the deck with a cup of coffee and a good book.  Or even just jet off to Paris, Rome, or Barcelona to visit art museums and old cathedrals.  It may seem cliche, but big, bustling cities had such an appeal to them.   It was so easy to blend in and go unnoticed, something Ana had always liked.  Not only that, but being as it was cooler in those parts of the world right now, there was no expectation to wear revealing apparel.  Ana had usually been able to wear shorter sleeves and shorts or dresses that went to her mid-thigh.  The scars on her wrist were often light and faded.  Easy to pass off as an accident given her line of work.  The raised white lines across her hips and shoulders however, there was no denying.  She wasn’t going to let that keep her from going on this vacation though, she would just have to avoid the water.

That wasn’t the only problem making her stomach churn, though.  The day after the press conference, a letter had arrived at the tower addressed to her.  A crisp white envelope embossed with swirling silver letters of her brother’s and Jenna’s initials.  She didn’t even have to open it to know what it was.  An invitation to their wedding.  She had been expecting the invitation, but what she hadn’t been prepared for, was the second hand-written note, requesting Ana to be one of Jenna’s bridesmaids.  While Ana knew she should have been honored, she felt extremely inadequate, not to mention confused.  She had guessed she’d be lucky to be allowed to attend the ceremony, given the dinner snafu with her parents from a few weeks earlier.  In fact, she was so sure the request had gone to the wrong person, she called Logan to ask him.  He assured her the proposal was indeed for her.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Ana asked.

“Are you saying no?  Jenna really wants to get to know you better, but I did tell her your Avenger stuff might make you busy.”

“No, it’s not that—“

“Do you not like her?”

“It’s not that.  I think Jenna is amazing, and I’m happy for both of you.  I’m just not sure how Mom and Dad will feel about this.”  Ana lied.  Yes, she didn’t think her parents wanted her around, but that would never stop her from making her brother happy.  What she was really trying to avoid, was any kind of rejection or dislike on Jenna’s part.  She would now be the person most able to drive a wedge between Ana and her brother, and Ana didn’t want that.

“Look, Ana, “Logan replied, “You can’t live your whole life scared of mom and dad.  You’ve fought with the Avengers, travelled the world, and some pompous wealthy couple from Westchester is going to control your decision on this?”

“I see your point.” Ana mumbled, “I must sound like an idiot.”

She could nearly hear his grin through the phone, “So is that a yes?”

“That’s an “I’ll need to think about it.’, but I’ll absolutely be at the wedding.”

“And I assume you’ll be bringing a date?”

Ana sighed, “That would really piss off mom and dad.”

“All the more reason to do it.”

Ana laughed, “Yes, RSVP both of us then.”

Just then Ana heard a knock on her bedroom door.  It was Bucky, telling her it was time to leave.  She said goodbye to Logan and zipped her suitcase shut. 

Travelling with the Avengers, a group of about a dozen people, feels more like a school field trip than a family vacation.  Thankfully despite the number of people, Tony’s accommodations made it feel anything but crowded.  They took private cars to the airport, and boarded the private jet.  Ana was somewhat disappointed they couldn’t take the quinjet, as it flies about twice as fast, but the Stark jet was probably ten times nicer, judging by interior and luxury.  The seats were more like couches, and the plane of course had a TV screen and fully stocked mini fridge.  Overall, not a bad way to spend an eleven hour flight to Hawaii.

When everyone was settled, the plane took off with ease.  After reaching altitude, everyone was free to unfasten their seatbelts and just chill.  Everyone, it seemed, except for Ana.  Tony and Pepper snuggled together, Bruce Natasha and Wanda were talking quietly, both Clint and Steve had promptly fallen asleep right after take off, and Scott and Bucky were both consumed in pressing all the buttons they could find.  While her friends were enjoying each other’s company,  Ana only stared blankly out the window, lost in her thoughts.  It felt like minutes to her, but she’d actually spent nearly an hour just idly staring out into nothing.  Not even noticing the shapes of the passing clouds, not listening to her teammates discussions, or even noting the small snoring sounds as one of them in particular fell asleep.  She was so lost in her mind, and her worry, that she didn’t even notice the quickened beat of her own heart or the trembling of her hands.  All this came back to her in a rush, however, when she felt a hand on her shoulder.  Being trained in combat, very view people would have been able to see she was startled by the contact, but Bucky saw.  He could tell the flinch of her muscle, and see the paleness of her face.

“You alright?” He inquired gently.  His face showed so much concern, Ana wasn’t sure why.  Had she done something wrong?

“I’m fine, why?”

“You look a little sick.” He noticed.

“Is my thinking face that bad?” Ana replied with a forced smile.  She realized his concern was most likely a result of watching her ‘space out’ for the last hour, but she didn’t want him to have to worry.

‘Especially not on a vacation.’ she thought to herself.

“You look beautiful as always.” Bucky corrected himself.  He wore his classic smirk on his face, but the concern was still evident in his voice. 

“What were you thinking about?” he asked.   

Ana wanted to tell him, but she didn’t know  _ what _ to tell him.  She had been thinking about so much all at once and so little, trying to place her feelings.  She couldn’t quite tell what her feelings were since the press conference.  As strange as it sounds, she sometimes felt as though she didn’t even have feelings about it.  Then she would think about the wedding.  She thought of every single thing that could go wrong, whether she accepted Jenna’s offer or not.   Those things were all trivial though, and mostly all she could th ink about was how much she wanted to cut.  She had promised herself that she wouldn’t do it during the trip.  The last time she’d done it was a few days before the press conference.  She really wanted to make it two weeks clean.   Or did she?  She often wondered.  What was so bad about her choice?  It’s her body after all.  It’s not like it hurt anyone else.  She often thought about the promise she’d made to Bucky.  How she’d gone and snapped so quickly.  It’s not that she hadn’t tried to resist cutting.   She had really thought she could make it, but then this sudden horrible urge seemed to strike out of nowhere.   Like it just starts as a small voice that she pushes away, but then suddenly it grows and the world stops turning while she’s going a million miles a second.  Then it would start to weigh her down and consume her and it became less of an urge and more of a need.   She didn’t like to think about it, as it only made the temptation worse.  Sometimes, she could swear she felt her arms tingling when she thought about it long enough.   She felt like her head was buzzing, and her nerves were on fire.  Other days (like today) she would get lost in an abyss of dark thoughts and she needed blood just to remember how to breathe.   She realized her mind had wandered again, and she pulled herself back. “Nothing.” She said, “I was just daydreaming.”

Bucky sat next to her, “Ana, you know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Yeah.” 

“So what’s really on your mind?”

Ana both hated and loved his ability to see right through her.  She couldn’t lie to anyone, especially not him, so she found herself confessing all her thoughts about the wedding , and the press conference, “It’s just kind of stressing me out and making me have some thoughts about… you know… I know I shouldn’t think about it, but it’s just… sometimes those thoughts sneak up on me.”

“I’m sorry you’re feeling that way.  Is there anything I can do to help?”

Ana responded with a half-hearted shrug.  

Bucky took her hand in his own, inspecting it carefully, noting the red marks where she’d been gnawing at her nails without knowing.  He rubbed his thumb in circles along her palm.  He began to intertwine his fingers with hers, but she pulled away.  Bucky thought he’d pushed her too far, that all she wanted was to be left alone, until she shifted and slumped against him, grabbing his hand for herself.  She studied it, carefully observing each line and curve, tracing her fingers along the lines of his palm.  Not long after, she slowly reached out toward his metal hand.  He hesitated at first, but begrudgingly let her examine it as she did the first one.  He didn’t like people touching his metal arm.  He had total control of it now and no longer a risk of it going rogue and hurting anyone, but he had little to no feeling and therefore didn’t like any contact he didn’t control.  But  if it would help calm Ana’s nerves and bring her back to Earth, he wouldn’t complain.  So  he let her hold onto it, patiently watching her experimentally move the metal joints back and forth, mesmerized by the light whirring she could hear.  She ran her fingertips along the grooves in the cool metal, lost in her own thoughts again.  

“Feeling better?” Bucky asked, pulling Ana out of her daze.

“What? Oh-- yes.  Thank you.  I guess I just needed a distraction.”

“Anytime, babe.” Bucky replied, “Are you tired? You can go to sleep if you want.”  Ana nodded a bit and leaned on his shoulder, quickly falling asleep.

Ana was awoken a few hours later by the descent of the plane.  She felt someone’s fingers combing through her hair.  She yawned and stretched her arms above her head.  

“Good morning.” Bucky whispered.

“Mornin’” Ana mumbled.  

Bucky chuckled and tried to kiss her.  Ana quickly dodged however. “Not here.” She hissed.

“Sorry.” Bucky mumbled.   He wondered to himself how long Ana planned to hide their relationship.  Ana herself how wondered how much longer she’d be able to keep it secret.  She wanted to tell the team, but it didn’t feel right.  Even though the last few days with Bucky had been the best of her life so far, she was still afraid something would go wrong.  She didn’t know what exactly, but it terrified her all the same.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to sincerely apologize for this chapter being so short, especially as it has been nearly three whole months since I’ve updated! I know I said I’d be travelling and that’s why my updates would be slow, and that was partially true, I did travel a lot this summer for family reunions and college orientations etc., but there have been other things keeping me from writing and while I don’t want to burden you lovely readers with my problems, I do feel I should explain some of the reason for my absence. Firstly, I completely changed my school plans and decided to attend a different college so I’ve had to make a lot of rearrangements regarding that. Also when I wasn’t travelling I was working more hours than I normally would, so even when I was home I didn’t have much free time.  
> But the biggest writing block I’ve faced is that for the past few months, I’ve been through a really bad relapse. Truthfully, I think my self-harm is worse than it’s ever been, and it’s really starting to screw up my life and my relationships. I’ve been struggling with so much depression, that I find it hard to do anything I used to enjoy. Reading, writing, drawing, and even just leaving my house to go anywhere or do anything feels like too much sometimes. People keep telling me that I seem okay, because I still go to work and all that, but I'm struggling everyday and scared of life itself. It hurts me to not be writing, and I promise I'm making an effort and I won't give up on this story. It’s just challenging to get myself motivated lately. But knowing that there are readers out there who want to know what’s going to happen next helps me want to write more :)  
> Again, sorry for the slow update and short chapter (and complaining about my problems). Thank you for reading, and for your patience and understanding. I know this chapter left off on sort of an odd cliffhanger, but I do have a plan! Hopefully I can pull myself together and get the next chapter up before Christmas!


	16. I Love All Of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry for being gone so long again, I feel really terrible. My life kind of exploded then fell apart in the last few months(A very long and sad story) and I'm left to pick up the pieces. But no matter how much life sucks right now, I couldn't abandon this story.
> 
> (Also, minor warning for sexual content in this chapter)

Tony’s vacation house did not disappoint.  It was located in a quiet neighborhood full of big, fancy houses just like it.  Hopefully, that would ensure their privacy on this vacation, something they’d never get at an all-inclusive resort, especially since Ana’s face was still plastered to every TV screen in America.  Tony’s house was far away from any cameras, but that didn’t stop Ana from looking over her shoulder every four minutes.

“Relax, kid,” Tony reminded her, “We’re far away from any media.  Just try to enjoy this.  It’s a vacation.”  He told everyone to meet on the beach that night

 

Ana trudged up to her guest bedroom, throwing her suitcase on the bed.  She then threw open the window and glanced across the sparkling waves.  The water was beautiful, and the warm air kissed her skin, the breeze carrying the sweet scent of hibiscus and salty sea mist.  The sun was just starting to set, painting the sky in an array of pink and orange tints.  Ana changed from her cargo pants and t-shirt into a lightweight top and leggings.  She grabbed her book and wandered downstairs to the patio that overlooked the ocean.  The view was breathtaking.  As the sun set farther, more avengers trickled downstairs.  Everyone was starving after the long flight from New York so naturally, there was an entire feast set out.  Naturally Tony decided to go with the theme and there was pineapple everything.  Ana didn’t mind at all: she loved pineapple.  Clint, however, was outraged by the pineapple pizza.  “What were you thinking, Tony?! A perfectly good pizza ruined!”  

“It’s a theme, Barton!” Tony exclaimed in defense.  He was wearing one of those awful Hawaiian shirts, as though the ocean, palm trees, and abundance of pineapple weren’t enough clues to their location.

Ana giggled to herself softly.  Sometimes, she couldn’t believe these were her friends.  Sometimes she didn’t feel like she belonged with them, like it was all some kind of dream she’d wake up from one day.  

Bucky distracted her from her thoughts with an all too excited greeting.  Ana looked up and had to bite her lip very hard to stop herself from laughing

“What are you wearing?” she asked.

Bucky was dressed in khaki shorts, and a similar, if not louder, shirt than Tony’s.  It was a very bright shade of orange, with obnoxious blue and yellow flowers.  Ana couldn’t contain herself at the sight of her normally more grunge-style boyfriend wearing such a thing.  She let out a silly giggle.

“Sam said it would be cool.” he defended.

“I think Sam lied to you.” 

Bucky pouted.  “I actually kind of like it.” he said, “it’s comfortable.”

“And we won’t have to worry about you getting lost.” Ana teased.  

As the sun continued to set, Ana and Bucky strolled to a nearby cove and explored the rocks, caves and tide pools under the moonlight. Ana was sitting on the edge of a rock, looking out over the waves when Bucky came up and dropped a purple starfish in her hand.

Ana looked down at it curiously, it’s arms tried to curl around her hand.

“Look! It likes you!” Bucky beamed.

“Starfish don’t have brains.”

“Well if they did they’d like you as much as I do.”

Bucky took the starfish back and gently placed it back into the tide pool.  

He sat next to Ana, listening to the sounds of the breeze through the palm trees and the waves bubbling back into the crevices between the rocks as the tide came in.

Ana sat with her cheek resting on her hand, and her hair blowing in the breeze while Bucky stared in admiration.  

“Doll?”

“Yeah?”

“When are we going to tell the team? About us?”

Ana bit down on her fingernail.

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t get it.” Bucky frowned, “Why is this such a huge deal?”

“I-I’m just not ready.”

“Why don’t you want them to know?”

“I don’t know that either… I just, want to know where we stand first.

“I thought we were a couple now.” Bucky said.

“Yes, we are.” Ana sputtered out, “This is just… an adjustment, for both of us, and I was hoping we could get through all the stupid slip ups before the team finds out and there’s all the pressure.  And who knows what they’re gonna think? I mean, what if they think this is unprofessional?”

“They won’t think that.”

Ana wrapped her arms around her torso, “I’m sorry.  I don’t really know why this is so hard for me.” Ana lied.  She knew it was only because for some stupid reason, she worried the team would hate the two of them, or that somehow telling people would bring the relationship to an end.

“It’s okay, I don’t want to pressure you before you’re ready for anything, especially not after I promised I wouldn’t tell, but be honest with yourself, doll, how long can we keep this a secret?”

“Not much longer, realistically.” Ana sighed, “Wanda knows.”

Bucky smirked, “And how did she react?”

“She’s happy for us.” Ana admitted.

“See? And the rest of the team will be too.  Whenever they find out.”

  
  


The next day Ana went downstairs in her pajamas to get breakfast.  As it was early in the morning, and everyone was a bit jet-lagged, Scott, Wanda, and Bucky had yet to make an appearance.  Ana had wanted to sit inside and read her book.  But Pepper insisted she go out for some fresh air.  

So she changed into her swimwear, a rashguard and shorts, and went to sit on the beach with Pepper.  While her friends soaked up the sunshine, she stayed huddled under an umbrella with her book.  

As the day went on, reading turned to just thinking, and thinking turned to worrying.  

“Pepper?” Ana asked quietly.

“Hmm?” Pepper responded, not looking up from her own book.

“How do you do it?”

“Do what?”

“How do you handle the spotlight?  I know running Stark Industries is hard enough without paparazzi and galas and appearances, so how do you manage to show up everywhere and look perfect all the time without going completely crazy?  I mean, I had to delete my twitter after my phone nearly exploded from all the follows.”

Pepper slowly put her book down.  She looked slightly flabbergasted by the question, but still compassionate.

“Well… “ she said, “As far as running companies goes, it just comes down to years of experience and practice in public eye.  The best thing you can do is ignore it, and not let it stop you from 

living your life.  But as far as looking perfect all the time, I don’t, and that’s okay.  It’s nothing you need to worry about.  Just because a camera is on doesn’t mean you need to alter yourself, besides, you’re beautiful just the way you are.”

“Please.” Ana scoffed, “I know you don’t think that.  You saw my scars.”

Pepper’s expression softened; she took Ana’s hands in her own.

“Listen to me, Ana.” She said firmly and gently, “You are not any less beautiful because of those scars.  They are a part of your past now, and everyday you take a step forward you only push them further away.  They are healing, just like you.  I won’t tell you not to cover them up.  You can reveal as much as you’re comfortable with.  But know this: I’ll never judge you and neither would anyone else who loves you.  Right here and now, you’re in a safe place where you don’t need to worry.”

“But there’s so much more to it than that.” Ana argued.

“I know.” Pepper sighed, “I hope I’m not overstepping any boundaries here, but I think maybe you’ve let your past get you down too much.  Maybe it’s time to live a little fearlessly again.” she said with a smile.

Ana’s felt a strange sense of amazement at Pepper’s words.  She hadn’t thought anybody would see her the same way after knowing about her self-harm, and just the simple words from her friend provided her with a peace of mind she hadn’t realized she needed so badly.  

Bucky jogged over to them with a grin on his face, “Hey Ana, you want to join us?”

Pepper grinned and gave her a look telling her to go on.  Ana left her book on the towel and followed him to the water.  

Despite her initial anxieties, Ana had a lot of fun soaking up sun with her friends.  Snorkeling, body surfing, and just splashing around in the waves took her mind off of everything that had happened over the past week.  When Bucky invited her to go paddleboarding with him up the beach, she eagerly accepted, and off they went.

They paddled off around the cove they’d discovered the day before, and Ana took the chance to lay on her board and enjoy the sunset over the ocean.  Bucky floated beside her in silence, enjoying the warm air and the calm serenity.  

“Tell me something, doll.” Bucky said.

“Like what?”

“Like a secret.” Bucky smirked, “something you’ve never told anyone. It stays between us.”

“You first.” Ana snarked.

“Okay,” Bucky agreed, sitting up on his board, “I’ve never told anyone this, not that anyone has ever asked, they normally just assume but I’m… uh, not a virgin.”

Ana nodded.  “I’m not that surprised.  I mean, look at you.”

Bucky sighed, “It was during the war, the night before I left for England… I didn’t think I was ever coming back so I got curious, an’ did it with a girl I’d met that night.  I felt really terrible afterwards.  She thought it was love, that I’d be back… and if anyone found out, it would’ve ruined her… it was such a different time.  There were times after that too… but that was with Hydra, and it was nothing close to love.”

“Oh, Bucky, I’m so sorry.  You’re first time’s not supposed to be like that.”

Bucky shrugged, “Can’t change the past, I guess.  So… your turn?”

“I don’t know if this is as scandalous, but… I have a tattoo.” 

Bucky’s eyes went wide.  “Really?”

“Yeah.  Got it after I graduated boot camp.  My friends all dared me, since I was the only one in the group without one already.”

“What is it?” Bucky asked eagerly.

Ana laughed nervously, she’d never showed anyone outside her friends from the Marines.

‘Small steps.’ Ana told herself, over and over again in her head, like a mantra, as she grabbed the hem of her rashguard and pulled it over her head.  Her heart was beating out of her chest.  For the first time in years, she felt the sun on her bare back.  She turned so Bucky could read the tattoo over her left ribcage.

_ Veni. Vidi. Vici. _ written in a typewriter font, small and discreet.

Bucky read it aloud.

“I came. I saw. I conquered.” Ana translated, “I thought it was an appropriate quote for after surviving bootcamp.”

Bucky smiled, “I like it.” 

“So you really had sex… multiple times?”

Bucky looked a little offended, like he was trying to keep his cool, “Yeah, is that a problem?”

“No, no, of course not.  I had just always assumed--which isn’t very polite of me, I know--and it’s just funny to think that you, being so old-fashioned about some things, have actually had sex before when I haven’t.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows, “You’re a virgin?” he gawked.

“Yeah, I know.  It’s lame.”

“No, not at all.” he said, clearing his throat, “It’s just, you’re honestly really pretty and everything.  I mean that.  And you’re one of those mostly fearless types, so I’d just assumed as well.  I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Ana shrugged, “It’s not like I was trying very hard in high school, and I was in sports so it wasn’t allowed( not that most of the other girls cared), and then in the Marines, we were all about the job.  There wasn’t really any time for fooling around; most of our energy was spent on survival and strategy.  Then after all that, well, there was the scars, and I knew no guy would ever want to see that.”

“Well, I still think you’re beautiful.” Bucky said, kissing her nose.

Ana winced.  She’d only been out in the sun a few hours, but her cheeks and shoulders were already dusted with a bright pink hue.

“Haven’t you heard of sunscreen?” Bucky asked.  Ana splashed him and he in in response turned her board over, dumping her in the water.  She dumped him next, and they both swam to shore, and went back to the beach house for some dinner, and for Ana, a cold shower and tons of aloe vera.

  
  


As the week went by Ana was able to relax more and more.  She’d spent every waking minute in the water or hiking through the jungle, and before she knew it, the week was gone.  Maybe it was the sun getting to her or something in the water but she just didn’t want to go home.  On there last night she stood out on the balcony, too wired to sleep.  It was past midnight and everyone else was resting for their early flight tomorrow.  Ana thought she was alone, until she heard Bucky’s footsteps.

“What are you still doing up, doll?” He asked.

“I could ask you the same thing.” Ana said, not turning around.

Bucky closed the gap between them, and stood looking down at the beach with her.  

“I don’t want to leave.” she whispered softly.

“Really? Don’t you want to get back to New York?”

“I guess.” Ana shrugged, fidgeting with the necklace she was wearing, “But it so nice being here, where I can go out and do whatever I want.  I don’t want to go back to hiding in the tower.”

“I know, but you don’t have to hide.”

There was a few minutes of silence.  Ana couldn’t think of what to say.  She really didn’t need to hide in the tower, but it was easier than facing the crowds, the press, and her family.  

“Since we’re leaving tomorrow, I want to do something.” Ana suggested.

“Like what?” Bucky asked.

“Something wild and adventurous.  Something I might regret.” Ana said.

“That’s very specific.” Bucky teased.

“I’m serious.  I’m tired of secrets, and I’m tired of being scared of everything.”

“What do you mean? You’re one of the most fearless people I know.”

“Maybe in one sense of the word, but really, I’m scared a lot, and maybe, if I can do something just crazy enough the other stuff will all seem less scary.”

“Okay… “ Bucky said, not really sure where his girlfriend was going. “What were you thinking of?”

“I want to have sex.” Ana blurted out in a rush.  She held her breath while she waited for a response.

Bucky’s expression was unreadable.  

“You want to?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.” Bucky grinned, kissing her lips, “Do you wanna go to the bedroom or just stay here?”

Ana thought for a minute.

“What the hell? Let’s just do it here.”

Bucky smiled at her, sweeping in for another kiss.  He trapped her bottom lip between his teeth, tugging as pulled away.  He continued to make out with her while he grabbed her ass.  Ana felt shy at first but quickly fell into pace with him.  Soon she was reaching under his shirt and scratching at his gloriously hard abs.  Bucky had gently guided her onto the couch and pushed her back, and pinned her arms above her head.  This felt like such a different side of Bucky, and a different side of herself.  She let out a deep moan as Bucky kissed behind her ear.  She was so caught up in the moment, she had almost forgotten to ask.

“Do you have protection?”

Bucky pulled back, “Oh... uh… no… do you, uh, have anything?”

Ana shook her head.  She hadn’t really been planning on losing her virginity this trip and she wasn’t on the pill.

“But it’ll be okay right? We can make it work.”

Bucky sat up right again, pulling his shirt back on.

“No.” he said firmly, “I love you, Ana, and that’s exactly why I’m not going to take a risk like this.  This requires a lot of trust and I would be abusing it if I didn’t ensure your safety.”

Ana looked flushed, whether it was embarrassment or the heat from a few minutes before Bucky couldn’t tell.

“We’ll be home tomorrow.  Then if you still want me we’ll do it, twenty-four hours is no big deal.  For now, get some sleep, okay?”

“Okay.” Ana mumbled as Bucky pecked her cheek.  She felt a little disappointed in herself, even though Bucky had assured her it wasn’t her fault.  She’d worked up all this courage and she wasn’t sure if it would still be there the next day.  Reluctantly, however, she dragged herself to bed for a few hours of sleep.

 

The next morning the sexual tension between Bucky and Ana was so thick you could cut it with a knife.  They avoided each other at breakfast, and Ana sat with the other girls on the plane.  Although she didn’t stop looking over her shoulder at Bucky.  He’d smile at her and she’d blush like a schoolgirl and look away quickly, trying to keep her thoughts off of the night before.  When the plane finally landed and they were all back at the tower it was already dark out.  Everyone was tired and wanted to unpack.  Everyone that is, except Ana and Bucky.  Once everyone had vanished, Bucky and Ana all but raced to his bedroom.  Ana’s heart was fluttering as they embraced. “Have you got-”

“Yep,” He breathed out, “He retrieved a condom from his bedside drawer, which was nearly overflowing.  Ana stared at them curiously.  Why did he have so many?

“They were a gag gift from Tony.” he mumbled, “Part of a welcome-to-the-future package.”

Ana giggled.  That made sense.

Bucky kissed her passionately, grabbing her hips and pulling her closer to him.  She had her arms around his neck as his lips travelled down her jawline.  She felt him tug the hem of her shirt, and raised her arms to help him ease it over her head.  She felt a shiver run up her spine,  and suddenly she was shaking.  She instinctively wrapped her arms around her torso to cover herself.  Bucky paused.  He closed the gap between them, resting his forehead against hers and rubbing her shoulders.

“Do you still want this?”

“Yes,” Ana breathed out, “I do.”

“You don’t seem sure.”

Ana bit her lip and looked shamefully down at her arms. and as if reading her mind, Bucky replied, “Hey, I told you already that I love you no matter what, and that you are absolutely beautiful.”

“But there’s more.” Ana argued.

“That’s fine.  As long as it’s a part of you it’s something I will love, understand?”  Ana nodded.  They kissed deeply, as Ana’s courage built and she tugged the hem of his shirt up until he pulled it off.  He pushed her onto the bed softly.  His pupils were blown wide as he loomed over her.  She squirmed underneath him as he peppered kisses along her collarbone.  Soon enough, Ana’s pants were gone and so were Bucky’s.  Ana threw her head back as she felt him rub against her.  This was real.  It was happening, and it was amazing.  Bucky kissed down her side over her tattoo.  His touch was electric, making her arch her back in response as he rubbed small circles on her hip with his flesh hand, and trail the cool metal down her face and neck.  She was so caught up in the moment she didn’t care as much as she thought she would when he took her underwear off.  Bucky caressed her body carefully, fondling every part of her lustfully, but being gentle so his metal hand wouldn’t hurt her.  When they had both had enough of foreplay, he grabbed her hand.

“Do you still want to do this?”

Ana nodded.  

He lined up with her entrance, still holding onto her hand.  He thrust into her as slowly as he could, and Ana winced visibly.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah… I mean, they say it hurts, but I still didn’t think it would hurt… this much.” she said through gritted teeth. 

“I’m so sorry, doll.” he whispered, caressing her face, “I’ll never hurt you like this again I promise.”

Bucky started to move, constantly checking to make sure Ana was okay.  Eventually they got into a rhythm, and the awkwardness and shyness faded away as they both reach euphoria.  It was wonderful and amazing and they both enjoyed every minute of it.  It built a kind of trust that Ana had never felt before.  They learned a side of each other they’d never seen before.  Ana had really not expected Bucky to be so vocal, for one thing.  He was also very dominate.  Not in the dirty way, but he definitely wasn’t afraid to be the one initiating and taking charge of the action.  He was, however, very self-conscious of his metal arm, keeping his touches light and soft to avoid hurting her. 

Ana was not exactly shy, but she was trying to keep as quiet as she could for fear of someone hearing.  What Bucky hadn’t expected, is that she was very sensitive in certain spots.  She practically melted when he nipped at the curve just between her neck and her shoulder, and he went wild when Ana tangled her hands in his hair and scratched at his scalp.  

They both came down from the high of their climaxes, and laid there together, tangled in the sheets.  Ana had her head on Bucky’s chest, while he absent-mindedly traced his fingers up and down her spine.  He trailed down to her leg and she flinched.

She looked away from him, pulling the sheet tighter around her.  Bucky didn’t have to ask to know what she was thinking.

“I love  _ all _ of you.” Bucky said.

Ana shyly smiled back, tracing her fingers along the grooves of his metal arm.

“I love all of  _ you _ too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that was my first time writing a sex scene. Ever. I wouldn't exactly call it smut, definitely not good smut anyways. I was trying to be descriptive without being overly graphic or disturbing, since the purpose of the scene was only to progress Bucky and Ana's relationship. I tried my best... I'm so sorry if it made you cringe.  
> Also, sorry it's a filler chapter. I'm having a a bit of an existential crisis right now and having a hard time focusing on stories and such :/  
> Anyways, thank you for reading and I hope you all have a wonderful day! :)


	17. I’m Not Your Niece

Steve glowered at his phone the next day at breakfast. There were a few nasty rumors being spread about Ana through gossip sites. Rumors about her being a secret spy or terrorist. Or rumors about her dating almost any one of the Avengers. Everyone was still interested in her and her position. There would be no quick end to this, Steve thought, and there was still Ross to worry about. Steve knew he was angry at the Avengers for going against the UN after SHIELD resurfaced, and that he would have no problem using Ana as a way to make the people hate them again.  
He debated telling Ana about the incident with Ross at the press conference. He wanted to warn her, but she didn’t need the extra stress right now, he reasoned. Ross hadn’t tried anything yet, anyway, and they had more important things to worry about. They were so close to getting the last of Hydra locked away, and with Ana’s intel, they could have it done very soon. The only issue there was getting her to talk about what she knew. He could understand her stress and worry about opening up, but he hoped he could convince her.

...

Bucky hummed to himself as he entered his kitchen that morning. He poured himself a mug of coffee and took it to the bedroom, where Ana was still wrapped up in his sheets. He nudged her shoulder gently,  
“Hey, sleepyhead, it’s time to wake up.”  
“Says you.” She mumbled, pulling the sheet over her head and curling in on herself.  
“I made coffee.” Bucky said.  
“Coffee?” Ana inquired. Green eyes peeked out of the blankets just enough to see the steaming mug in his hands. Ana didn’t really want to get up just yet. Bucky’s bed was so soft and warm and it smelled like him. She wanted to just wrap herself up again and go back to sleep for a few days, but she relented for the sake of the heavenly liquid.  
“This isn’t fair, you know, preying on my weakness.” She mumbled as she sat up.  
“I know.” Bucky said as he passed her the mug, kissing her head, “Here, Superman, drink your Kryptonite. I’ll go make breakfast.”  
Ana sipped her coffee and smiled to herself. It was perfect. Bucky always knew exactly how to make her morning coffee.  
After her morning dose of caffeine kicked in, Ana finally worked up the energy to pry herself from the perfect softness of Bucky’s bed. She wandered into the kitchen, wearing only the grey t-shirt he’d given her the night before to sleep in.  
Bucky was whisking something in a bowl. He was wearing only a pair of sweatpants and his hair was tossed up into messy bun. Ana snuck up behind him and enveloped him in a hug.  
“What are you making?” She asked, standing on tiptoe to see over his shoulder.  
“French toast.”  
“Ooh, fancy.”  
“Maybe to you, miss cereal and poptarts.” Bucky snarked back. That earned him a smack to his side, “I only ate Poptarts once.” she said, referring to a time when she’d fractured her knee and could barely move, so the pastries had made an excellent solution.  
Bucky laughed, until Ana tried to get out some cooking utensils.  
“What are you doing?” he asked  
“I thought I could help.” she replied, “What do you want me to do?”  
“Nothing.” Bucky said, “Just stand there and look pretty.”  
Ana was a terrible cook. She and Tony were both officially banned from the communal kitchen as a result of many burnt cookies, raw eggs, and several other meals that could classify as health hazards. Bucky on the other hand, nearly rivalled Gordon Ramsay when it came to certain dishes(He makes the most amazing crepes you’ve ever had), and he did not like sharing the kitchen. Ana loved to tease him about it, as did the rest of the team, and today was no different.  
“I can make the bacon!” she suggested eagerly, pulling out a frying pan.  
“No.”  
“Okay, how about I make you an omelet!” running to the fridge. Bucky grabbed her arm.  
“No.”  
“How about fruit? I can cut fruit!” she said, buzzing over to the knife drawer.  
Bucky didn’t respond with a ‘no’ this time, but grabbed her hips and lifted her onto the counter.  
“Stay.” he commanded.  
“But Buckyyy…” Ana said in a mock whine, “I wanna help!”  
“No.” Bucky insisted. Ana broke into a fit of giggles. Watching him get grumpy over something like making breakfast was always funny.  
“Can I set the table at least?”  
“Fine.” Bucky said with an eyeroll.

As they were eating breakfast, they chatted idly about different things.  
“So, Logan’s wedding is in a couple months.” Ana said.  
“That sounds nice.” Bucky said absently.  
“Do you wanna be my date?” she asked.  
“I don’t know.” Bucky mumbled, “I don’t think your dad really likes me.”  
“He doesn’t like me either. But I have to go because I’m Jenna’s bridesmaid now, and it would be really nice to have a date.”  
“Well, consider me your date then.” He said with a smile. He paused for a while.  
“You know, me being your date to your brother’s wedding is really publicly official.” he said.  
“It is.” Ana said, swirling her fork around in her syrup.  
“Does this mean I can talk about us dating now?” Bucky inquired hopefully.  
“It does.” Ana said with a smirk, “But don’t go overboard and tell everyone in a day. Just act natural and let them find out on their own okay?”  
“Okay.”  
“And just because the team gets to know doesn’t mean the press does.” Ana said firmly.  
“I understand.” Bucky promised.  
Just then Bucky and Ana’s phones both buzzed.

‘Steve: Strategy meeting in one hour.’ The message read.

Ana returned to her own apartment to shower and change before the strategy meeting. When she arrived at the meeting room, Natasha, Maria, and Steve, and Tony were there, seated around a holographic screen display. Ana and Bucky sat next to each other as they always did, however this time they chose to hold hands under the table. Maria was showing data SHIELD had collected on suspicious activity.  
“From what we can tell, there are three potential directions this guy could have gone,” she said, showing a picture of the target who had escaped them in Copenhagen, “We have evidence of him leaving to Berlin, but he drops off there, but recognition software spotted him in Amsterdam, Stuttgart, and Moscow.”  
“Well, he might not be around anymore.” Ana said, “And if he is, he knows better than to go back to his boss.”  
Everyone looked to Ana expectantly, “Who are we looking for, Ana?” Maria asked.  
Ana shrank back in her seat, feeling so small with everyone staring at her. She tried to just spit out his name and get it over with but she couldn’t.  
“I wish I knew.” She said, turning her head away in anger and embarrassment, “I never spoke to him directly. I got orders from one of his second-in-commands, and then I got paid. That was that.”  
“And this was the one who recruited you?” Steve asked, pointing at the screen.  
Ana nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat. A single tear slid down her cheek. She wiped it away quickly, hoping no one would notice. Bucky squeezed her hand for reassurance. Bucky asked Tony, Maria, and Natasha to leave. He sat across from her and looked at her with a soft expression.  
“I know you don’t want to talk about this.” he said, “But we need to know everything you can tell us in order to stop this guy for good. It’s just me and you--and Bucky-- so just let it out. No judgement will come from either one of us. I promise you that.”  
Bucky nodded and squeezed Ana’s shoulders lightly. She still looked unsure so Steve went a step farther.  
“Jarvis, I want you to turn off any audio or visual recording you have in this room.” He commanded to the ceiling, “This stays between the people in this room.”  
Ana pulled at her sleeves nervously, “Where do you want me to start?”  
“How about the beginning? You said this guy recruited you?”  
“Yes.”  
“When was that?”  
Ana sniffed. Bucky rubbed her back, whispering encouragement to her.  
“I was nineteen, but still the best marksman of my graduating class.” she said. “I had been stationed in Germany. We thought we were the lucky ones, being in Europe instead of Afghanistan, but then I learned I had been sent to be part of a special operations team specific to targeting terrorist activity in Germany. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was regimes like AIM and Hydra.”  
Steve nodded, letting her know to go on.  
“We did a lot of work.” she continued, “Sometimes I had to take shots even in the city. Any one of them could have gone wrong, but I had to follow my orders. One day, we received orders from the general to investigate on a threat, and capture a target. They didn’t tell us why. We had orders. I was to guard the perimeter by not to take a shot at anyone. Our officer, Ryan, went in, covered by a sergeant, and I saw someone go in behind them. I could’ve taken him out but my superior told me to stand down. I tried to tell him but I had to follow the orders I was given. Ryan never came back… and the target was lost.”  
Tears glistened in Ana’s eyes as her voice broke in to a crack.  
“Things were different after Ryan… I loved him.” she said, barely above a whisper, “No one knew. Not even him, and now he never will. I couldn’t help it, I-I cut again. I wanted t-to kill myself.”  
Ana broke into hysterical sobs, nearly falling out of her chair. Bucky caught her and held her upright.  
“It’s okay, Ana.” he soothed.  
“Really, you’re doing good.” Steve said.  
Ana wiped away her tears, “I was discharged for hardship after that.” she recalled, “I was out of a job with nowhere to go. That’s when it all got worse.”  
With a clenched fist and a thousand yard stare, she continued to tell them her story.  
_She was wandering the streets in Stuttgart, when she was approached by a man. He was wearing a blue suit and walking with a cane. He introduced himself as Friedrich Schwarz._  
“ _I am looking to employ someone with a very specific skill set.” he told her._  
_“Sorry,” Ana replied, “I’m really not the person you’re looking for. There’s a strip club down the street, though.” thinking he wanted something she just really wasn’t going to give._  
_“That is… not what I was referring to. I need to hire a marksman.”_  
_Ana was intrigued. She knew she shouldn’t be. She was no mercenary. She’d been in the military. Surely she had more integrity than this._  
_“I’m not a marksman anymore.” She spat as she turned to walk away._  
_“Have it your way, but then who will avenge Sergeant Ryan Hunter?”_  
_Ana spun on her heel._  
_“Who the hell are you? And how do you know that name?”_  
_“Only a man who needs a favor.” he replied with a smirk._  
_Ana gave him a threatening glare, crossing her arms, but she wasn’t running. She was waiting for his offer._  
_“Do you know a man by the name of William Burke?”_  
_That had been the name of Ryan’s cover._  
_“He was pronounced killed in action at the same time.” she said._  
_“Ah, but was there a body?” Friedrich asked._  
_‘No.’ Ana thought. There hadn’t been a body and William should have been classified missing in action._  
_“The government has covered up his mistake.” Friedrich continued, tilting his hat“He is the reason your friend is gone.”_  
_“Who sent you?” Ana asked, “And what are asking me to do?”_  
_“I was sent by those who wish to rid the world of chaos. To achieve that dream, I am asking you to eliminate William Burke.”_  
_Ana couldn’t believe what she was hearing._  
_“That’s absurd.” she argued, “William Burkes is dead. And even if he wasn’t he was a fellow Marine and a friend. What reason would I have to kill him?”_  
_“Your eyes… “ he said, “they say you’ve lost more than a friend. They tell me you were once in love.” He reach out to touch her hand which she jerked away. He grabbed it forcibly and pulled her sleeve up. He looked over her wrist with a stone hard expression._  
_“Why would a pretty girl like you punish herself, when you can punish those who deserve it?” he asked._  
_Ana actually thought about it. She had lost everything. Her brother, her first love, and now her place in the world. What else could she do but try and find peace of mind._  
_“Come with me my dear,” Friedrich insisted with a kind smile, “and you may get the vengeance you require.”_  
_She replied with a stiff nod. She followed him. He gave her supplies, and a time and date her target would be located. She followed through on the job with little remorse. She was gifted the weapons she used and a large cash provision as payment. Then Friedrich revealed himself as a member of Hydra. Ana couldn’t believe what she had done. He offered her another job, which she tried to refuse, but now he had a handle on her. She’d helped them, and now there was nowhere else to turn. She was now a mercenary. In the Marines, Ana had never disobeyed an order. Out in the world, she was able to make her own orders, and accept or decline the offers as they came. Ana found freedom and control in it for a bit. Ana got her orders from the commander, but she’d never actually met him in person. Her missions were normally delivered via Friedrich, or through a breaker phone. Ana knew from the rumors that the only way she’d ever meet the commander face-to-face is if she failed, and that would be a very short meeting. There were times when she wanted to give up, to quit and walk away but Friedrich would remind her constantly of the crime that started it all. He paid her handsomely, but after each job was done, she’d vanish from the city without a trace. Then the guilt would roll in and she’d go right back punishing herself with a blade. It went on like that for months, until that day of fate that brought her to the Avengers._  
 Ana told him her story, along with every detail and name she could remember. At the end of her story, Ana broke down in tears again, tearing herself away from her flashback. Steve hugged her tightly.  
“Thank you. I know that was hard for you,” he said, “but thank you.”  
Ana didn’t say anything in response, only cried more. Bucky had to help her up and take her back to her room. Bucky held her and rocked her like a child while she clung onto him.  
“I’m s-sorry.” she stuttered.  
“Shhh… there’s nothing to be sorry about.” Bucky soothed.  
“No! This is ridiculous! I shouldn’t be crying like this!” Ana wailed.  
“There’s nothing wrong with letting it out.” Bucky assured, which only made her sob harder. Half an hour later, and she was asleep on his shoulder. Bucky pulled a blanket over them, and stayed with her. He couldn’t bring himself to leave her then, even if she was asleep. The things she’d told him had him infuriated, and he swore if he ever saw the man who’d made his girl feel this way, the last thing he’d ever see was a cold metal arm.  
Half an hour later, Bucky’s phone buzzed. Ana was stirring slightly, and Bucky brushed his hand along her cheek to wake her. She blinked at him groggily.  
“Tony wants a movie night. You feel up to that? He says it’s your pick.”  
Ana nodded. She might have kind of wanted to just stay in bed with Bucky, but Tony letting her pick the movie was a rare opportunity she couldn’t pass up.  
Ana and Bucky entered the communal floor together. Pizza and drinks were already out, along with an assortment of sour candy, popcorn, and M &M’s. Ana didn’t feel very hungry, but Tony’s extra effort to make sure all her favorite things were there didn’t go unnoticed.  
Ana settled into a comfy chair with a plush throw blanket. Her movie of choice was Harry Potter, her favorite go to when she needed a break from reality.  
The other residents of the tower all trickled in one at a time. Natasha sat by Ana and squeezed her hand.  
“Maria did an extensive search, and we’ve found Friedrich.”  
Ana tensed up. She couldn’t believe Nat would bring this up now when she was just trying to relax and have a good time.  
“Where is he?”  
“Moscow. She’s sending in a team to pick him up. Then we’ll hold him until we get the information we need.” She said.  
Ana breathed a sigh of relief, even though she still would be worried until the commander was found and locked up.  
As the rest of the team showed up. They were all gathering final snack and grabbing seats before the movie could start. Ana was munching on a sizeable amount of sour gummy worms, when Bucky asked,  
“Hey, babe, what kind of pizza do you want?”  
Everyone turned to stare at Bucky. Ana responded with “Pepperony.” then everyone turned to gape at her.  
“So, you guys are a thing now?” Tony asked bluntly.  
“What makes you think that? I didn’t think bringing someone a slice of pizza was a marriage proposal.” Bucky retorted.  
“You said ‘babe’. You don’t say ‘babe’. You say ‘doll’, ‘darling’, and ‘sweetheart’, but never ‘babe’.”  
“Maybe I’m trying something new.” Bucky said with a shrug, walking over to the couch with Ana and his pizzas balance in his hands.  
Tony was about to argue, but Ana interrupted.  
“Here, Tony, does this answer your question?” She asked, before pulling Bucky into a deep kiss. Secrets and gossip be damned; the truth should come out.  
Tony smirked wryly, and Steve gawked, while everyone else looked on with contented smiles.  
Bucky pulled away with a grin. The Avengers broke into a frenzy of mixed reactions ranging from the very excited to the very surprised.  
Scott cheered. Clint whistled and Sam whispered “Damn.”. Wanda and Natasha smirked.  
Tony threw his fist in the air and shouted, “Ha! I knew it! Banner, you owe me fifty bucks!”  
Bruce just smiled and shook his head at Tony’s childishness. Steve only stood there beaming proudly.  
“You had a bet?” Ana asked incredulously.  
“Yeah, right before we left for Hawaii, Bruce and I made a bet on whether or not you were an item.”  
“Really, Tony?” Pepper said disapprovingly, “They’ve obviously been together longer than that.”  
“How did you all know it so fast?” Bucky asked.  
“How could we not?” Tony asked, “The UST between you and Frosty was unbearable at times.”  
“We’re all really happy for you.” Pepper said. Nods and smiles of agreement came from all around.  
“But remember, I’m watching you, Barnes. And if you do _anything_ to hurt Ana, her favorite uncle is going to kick your ass..”  
“I’m not your niece, Tony.”  
“Silence, child.”  
Ana rolled her eyes, “Can we just watch the movie now?”  
Everyone settled down onto the couch. Bucky and Ana were tangled together and holding hands. Tony would occasionally throw popcorn, and make a ‘watching you’ gesture at Bucky.  
Bucky ignored him until the fifth time. Then her tried to throw a gummy worm back, but he missed by a mile and it ended up hitting Steve in the eye.  
Steve tried to retaliate and ended up hitting Natasha in the process. Needless to say the movie shortly long forgotten in exchange for a candy war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I plan to have the next one up very soon! Anyway have a wonderful day and thank you for reading! :)


	18. Nightmare

Ana was running through the streets of New York.  Her heart pounded in rhythm with her feet as she raced through alleyways and traffic and swarms of people.  She knew she was being chased but she didn’t dare look over her shoulder.  She had to get away.  She stopped at a surprisingly empty intersection, she doubled over panting, trying to regain her energy before she took off again.  That’s when she heard a scream.  When she heard it she froze.  It rang off the buildings in a piercing echo from every direction, and she didn’t know where it was coming from.  She only knew one thing for sure; it was Bucky’s voice.

She took off towards the direction she thought the voice was coming from.  In a flash she was at the base of Stark tower.  Bucky’s scream was coming from the roof landing mat.  Tony was flying overhead and swooped down.  He picked up Ana and carried her to the top of the tower.  She dropped onto the gravel and Bucky was there, his hands tied and his face beaten and bruised, screaming for help.  Ana ran forward to help him, but an invisible force stopped her, knocking her down.  She tried helplessly to reach for him.  She screamed until her lungs gave out but there was no sound.  She watched in horror as Hydra dragged Bucky away from her while she was still screaming.  The commander’s voice rang in her ears.

_‘One day the soldier will return’_ That’s what he’d always said to her, and there it was, coming true right before eyes until she woke up with a jolt.

 

Ana sat up in bed, breathing heavy, she looked out at the city, realizing it was just another dream.  

This was her fourth nightmare that week. They started after her talk with Steve.   She had brushed off the first one, thinking it was a rare occurrence.  The next few weeks had proved her wrong, however, her dreams only intensified and escalated.  

She had no plans to tell Bucky what was going on.  She didn’t want him to get overprotective and worried about her, but she also hardly slept anymore and she knew he was going to pick up on the fact that something was wrong.  

Ana reached for her phone from the bedside table.   _5:12am_ , it said.  She really didn’t want to get up; her chest felt heavy and her muscles were tired and sore, but the alternative of sleep wasn’t appealing to her either.

She pulled her knees up to her chest, looking out her window at the lights of the city, twinkling under the fading night.  She thought about the blades still hidden in her bathroom cupboard, but resolved herself to try and make it another week, so she’d be a month clean.  She pushed herself out of bed, threw on her workout clothes, and went downstairs to get some much needed coffee.

 

After her workout, she went her apartment for a shower, she noticed in the mirror she had bags under her eyes from the week of little sleep.  All attempts at concealing them failed and all she could do was pray that no one noticed.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, she got a notification on her phone reminding her of a dress fitting for Logan and Jenna’s wedding.  

“I give up.” Ana sighed to herself, slumping against her counter.  She wrestled her hair into a braid and went about her day.  She worked on some paperwork and mission reports that were long overdue. She even finished some of Bucky’s.  Everyone else cringed at the mere mention of mission reports but Ana found them calming.  Writing always came easy to her so she could quickly and efficiently go through several whenever she was in the mood.  After a few hours and a lot of typing, Ana’s hands were starting to cramp.  She sighed and closed her laptop.  She would have to take the train into Westchester in an hour to make it in time for her dress fitting.  Ana dreaded seeing her mother again so much that she was already shaking, but she had committed to being in the wedding and there was no way out now.  But she could already hear the remarks about the news and Bucky and everything else.  Ana rubbed her temples to soothe her preemptive headache.  She decided she better at least get another cup of coffee before heading to the train station.  She was going to need it.

 

...

 

Ana shuffled out of the elevator onto the main floor, tossing her bag on the floor and trudging directly to the coffee maker, responding to greetings with false enthusiasm and fake smiles.   _‘Just smile, nod, and pour coffee._ ’ she thought.  She just had to pretend a little longer, make everyone think she was fine until she could get to her room and...   

“A little late for coffee, isn’t it?” Bucky asked leaning against the counter.

“I need it.” Ana said, probably more to herself than him.

“No you don’t.  Look at you, you’re already shaking.  How many cups have you had already?”

“One… “ Ana said, taking a sip to hide her lie “plus six.”

Suddenly the cup was snatched from her hands, and her precious coffee was dumped down the drain.

“What the _actual_ f-“

“I’m cutting you off.  You look terrible and the last thing you need right now is caffeine.”

Ana gave him a look somewhere between a glare and a pout.  She loathed when he doted on her so heavily, and loathed even more that he saw right through her stone-cold mask.

“Don’t look at me like that. You look like hell, Ana.  What’s going on?”

“Nothing, I’m fine.” Ana snapped.  

“Are you sure?  I want you to tell me if you’re not.”

“I promise it’s fine. I’m fine.  I’m just mad about spending the afternoon with my mother, that’s all.”

Bucky lowered his voice, and got very serious, “No cutting, right?”

Ana shook her head.

“How long has it been?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes you do.”

“Almost a month now… or something like that.” Ana mumbled.  

Bucky smiled.  “Ana, that’s amazing.”

Ana bit the inside of her cheek, “it’s nothing to be proud of.” She should feel proud of it, but she wouldn’t allow herself that.

“Yes it is.” Bucky countered, “And when the month is up, we should celebrate.”

“It’s not something to celebrate.” she said, looking down.

Bucky tilted her chin to look up at him, “It is, and we will.  I am immensely proud of you for making it this far.  I love you; now go get some sleep.” He kissed her, and that was the end of the conversation.

 

Ana went to bed again that night, and again the haunting torture of her dreams took her back through the worst chapters of her life.  Scene by scene until they played out an alarming, imaginative end that had her waking up in screams.  She cried out, and her panic tripled when she realized she wasn’t alone.

“Ana? Ana?!” a voice was saying.  She thrashed against him, gasping for air, coughing and shaking as tears streamed down her cheeks.  

“Ana, it’s me.  It’s me. You’re safe.”

She reached out for the voice with both hands.  Strong arms wrapped around her, pulling her back to reality.  She pressed her head into Bucky’s neck as he held her. 

“Shh… Shh… It’s okay, doll.  I’m here.  You’re okay.”

Ana wanted to tell him that no, she was definitely not okay, she was scared out of her mind only seconds ago, and she didn’t know by he was in her room or how he got there and she was still scared and angry because she just couldn’t stop crying.  But no words came, and she couldn’t talk let alone think so she settled in her boyfriend’s arms and shielding herself from the outside world.

“It was so real!  Everything was so real.” she sobbed.

“I know.” Bucky said, stroking her hair, “It feels that way.  But it’s not real.  It’s just a bad dream.”

Ana huffed.  Maybe it sounded like just a bad dream, but after a month of repeated nightmares and sleepless nights, it didn’t seem like just a regular bad dream.  This was no boogieman or monster.  A real person haunted her. 

Ana was just beginning to calm down when her previous questions floated back to her.

“How did you get in here?” She asked.

“Jarvis woke me up and let me in.” Bucky explained.

“Damn traitor.” Ana mumbled.

“It’s part of his protocol.  He does it for everyone, don’t take it personal.”

“What time is it?”

“It’s only 4:30,” Bucky told her, “Do you wanna get some more sleep?”

Ana shook her head.  The crying and hiccupping had finally subsided, but she still didn’t want to try to face the evils of sleep again.

“You want me to make you some tea?” Bucky offered.

“No... stay.” Ana whispered, tangling her hands in his hair.  There was something about touch, and especially touching him, that always calmed her down.   He helped her feel real when she was drifting away, and he made her whole when she was falling apart.  

Bucky kissed her forehead, content with any excuse to cuddle.  He rubbed her back while she played with the ends of his hair.  He felt her heartbeat fall back into rhythm with his as they laid together speaking in soft, hushed voices.

“Do you ever think about cutting it?” She asked.

“Sometimes. I’m just not sure how I feel about my head being touched.” he admitted.

“I’m touching it right now.” Ana pointed out.

“You’re not a stranger, and you’re not holding scissors.”

“Fair point.” Ana agreed.

“Do you want me to cut it?” Bucky asked.

“I like it long.” Ana said, “But I’ve never really seen you with short hair either.  And maybe-- I don’t know?  I’m just curious I guess, and it grows back.  Not like shaving your eyebrows or anything.”

Bucky chuckled, “I’ll cut my hair if you shave your eyebrows then.”

“No way in hell, Barnes.” Ana retorted.  She laid with him for a little while longer, enjoying the silence between them.

She nearly fell asleep again listening to the sound of his heartbeat, but she forced herself awake again before sitting up with a yawn.

“I think I’m going to train early this morning.” she said, throwing off her covers and slipping out of bed.   She kissed Bucky before she finished getting ready quickly and making a cup of coffee before she went down to the gym.  

  


Ana was jabbing at a punching bag when Natasha came running in.  Ana knew instantly something was wrong.  Natasha didn’t rush anywhere unless it was an emergency.

“We have to go.” She said, throwing Ana’s uniform at her.

“Where?” Ana asked, trailing out of the gym after her.  She was straining to keep up.

“SHIELD.  Everyone else is already on their way.” Natasha said.

“Why? What’s going on?” Ana was getting really nervous now about the mystery and urgency of all this.

Natasha kept her gaze forward as she stormed down the hall.

“Our prisoners have escaped.”

“What?!” Ana gasped, “That’s not possible!  Anderson maybe, but Friedrich was in solitary.”

“I’m as surprised as you are.” Natasha said as she dragged Ana onto the elevator.

“When did it happen?”  Ana couldn’t believe it.  There was no time to think or to plan a mission.  They were just storming into this blindly.

Natasha checked her watch.  “About thirty minutes ago.  Maria called it in about twenty.  We’re hoping we can get them before they get too far.”

Ana began pulling her gear on while the elevator moved down to the garage.  When the got there, Natasha tossed her a helmet. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Just want to add a little note letting you know that NO MATTER WHAT happens in Infinity War, this story will continue exactly as I have previously planned it. Also I'm sorry this chapter is a bit rough, I rewrote it twice and I still don't really like how it came out. Anyways, the next one will be up very soon, thank you for reading!


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